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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

holding back birthday money

17 replies

SingleMum7 · 04/10/2019 13:49

My DS is about to turn 18 before the end of the year. I’ve been worried that he’s been getting into smoking weeds on occasion and possibly other low grade drugs Recently. His attitude is not great either and it’s left me tearful on occasion. I know he’s going to receive quite a lot of cash from family/friends for his birthday (£1000) my question is - should I let him have it all or should I hold some back and give it to him when his attitude changes. I’m worried if he has a lot of cash he may end up trying other drugs or buy/sell drugs to make more money. But then he’ll be 18, so maybe he has to make his own mistakes?

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 04/10/2019 13:51

18, you say? Hence an adult? You’ve no right hold any money back. It’s his money, I’m afraid.

Unless of course you tell family members what you suspect and perhaps they won’t gift him money.

Redred2429 · 04/10/2019 13:54

You are being unreasonable he will be an adult you can't withhold his money

Babybel90 · 04/10/2019 13:55

Tell the family members what you think he’ll do with the money then see if they still want to give it? I know I wouldn’t.

woodhill · 04/10/2019 13:57

I think he may blow the money on drugs so I don't blame you for holding onto it. Can you talk to him. You are trying to do this for his own good and he may thank you in the future.

Are there any other family members who could talk to him possibly a male?

Rachelover60 · 04/10/2019 13:58

You can't withhold money from an adult. He may not blow the lot, you don't know and if he does, that's his problem. Also he may not be as much into soft drugs as you think, a lot of youngsters his age experiment a bit and outgrow it.

However, whatever your fears it is illegal to take an adult's money, even if you're only looking after it. How would you do that anyway, would you ask people to give you cash or make cheques payable to you? That would be seriously dodgy and put you firmly in the wrong.

Chill.

BigChocFrenzy · 04/10/2019 14:00

At 18, the money is legally his and you would be breaking the law if you keep it from him

Anyway, how could you do so in practice - don't they send / give him the money directly, rather than via you ?

Much better to warn family members of what you fear, so hopefully he won't get cash - or anything readily sellable

Slowchirp · 04/10/2019 14:00

Does he have a savings account which doesn't allow access at short notice? If so I would be quiely advising relatives to pay at least half of the money directly in to that.

NearlyGranny · 04/10/2019 14:02

You can't hold it back from an adult but you can talk to him beforehand about setting up a savings account/ISA/premium bonds and what the might like to hold onto it for! If he's hoping to gobto uni or buy himself a car in the near future, for instance, or get driving lessons, £1k would be a good start.

If you are thinking of helping him out with any of these goals later, you could tell him you are watching to see how well he handles money as an adult and will be influenced by what you see.

Happy birthday to him and well done on getting him this far!

TeenPlusTwenties · 04/10/2019 14:02

You can't withhold it, but you can advise family to not give it (and maybe wait until he is 21).

(And this is why we didn't do Child Trust Funds.)

SilverChime · 04/10/2019 14:03

I was stupid at 18 - I received several hundred pounds and greedy “friends” fleeced me for it. I was too trusting and assumed they’d pay me back. My parents should have taken the money and taught me more about the ways of the world. I would insist my 18yo had to put the money away and I’d want to know what it was being spent on.

ymf117 · 04/10/2019 14:39

He will be an adult in the eyes of the law, however if that's what you think he is spending his money on then he isn't a responsible adult and I would step in if this was my DS. Even more so because it's illegal. The more money he has to spend on this the bigger the problem will become, have him use it elsewhere or put into savings.

Idontwanttotalk · 04/10/2019 15:03

If you don't give someone responsibility, how do you expect them to ever become responsible?

TeenPlusTwenties · 04/10/2019 15:07

Idont Little steps. He isn't being very responsible at the moment is he?

mnbvcxz098 · 04/10/2019 15:09

His money, his choices - Having said that, if it was me, I'd make sure I didn't bail him out of any crap he falls into over the next few years

HennyPennyHorror · 04/10/2019 15:12

Of course you can't hold his money! He's an adult and would be within his rights to tell the police!

Aprillygirl · 04/10/2019 15:15

No you can't do that OP. That's basically theft, despite your good intentions. Does your DS drive? If not you could ask family to club together to get him his provisional licence and a block deal of lessons. Ask for vouchers for his favourite clothes shop, video game store etc.

Windydaysuponus · 04/10/2019 15:18

I feel for you op. My mate scrimped and saved for her ds as a lp . At 18 she gave him the policy - worth 6k. He wasted it in 10 months. Absolutely nothing to show for it...
A long chat about an isa maybe?

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