Stressing over DH family coming to stay immediately after the birth of our baby

[Peonielamp]

I've had to repost this under a different name to ensure I remain anonymous. Sorry to original users who responded!

AIBU to being getting really stressed and upset over DH's family coming to stay at our house immediately after the birth of our baby?

DH is from glasgow and I we live 250 miles away in England. I will be getting induced soon and it will be a Friday. MIL, SIL and step daughter will be travelling here on the sat and staying at our house with DH Gran and Aunt getting a local hotel. We have three bed house and when I asked where everyone will be sleeping the plan is MIL and SIL in my daughters bed. My daughter and step daughter downstairs on the sofa. Theres no bed in the nursery so that room cant be used. The plan is for them to stay Sat - Tue

Im really stressing out. The induction can take days anyway and due to complications the baby will be kept in for monitoring etc for a minimum of 24 hours.

I just keep thinking if the induction goes quicker and I'm only in for 24 hours I could be at home late Sunday and I dont know how I going to cope having all these people in my house. I remember having visitors as soon as I was home with DD1 and it was awful. I was exhausted and just wanted to be left and I'm really scared it's going to be the same this time. To make matters worse I suffered with anxiety and depression previously which I'm really scared of returning postpartum.

My dilemma is my DH's DD will be 11 this year and she is the only grandchild. So in-laws are so excited to be getting another grandchild/niece and with then living so far away I feel like I cant say no to them coming to stay and I get on really well with them, but all I keep thinking is the only place in my whole house where I can be alone is my bedroom and i hate the thought of being confined there and not being able to go and sit in my living room because there will be children sleeping there on a night and full of people though the day.

Thank you if you're still reading this point because I know I've rambled on but i just dont know what to do and dont want to discuss with DH incase I upset him/in-laws :(

Just posted on your other thread. Do not agree to this. Who cares if they are offended? You are about to give birth, you and the baby are the most important considerations, not their feelings.

You will need your space after birth and you don’t know how long the induction will take. I was induced on a Friday, baby finally born via emergency section on the Monday and only out of hospital on the Wednesday.

I would absolutely be saying no to this

Say they all need to stay in the hotel if they're coming

Wtaf? Why the hell are they planning to visit the day after you are being induced? Who thinks this is a good idea? Who has agreed to it? Absolutely 100% YANBU. This needs a firm no, right now!

It's a crap idea and they should know that.

If you want to soft pedal it, get your DH to tell them (because it's not your job to sort this out) that in all likelihood baby won't be there before they have to leave, what a shame it would be for them to have a wasted journey, you'll let them know when would be a good time to visit (via a hotel).

You don't have to have visitors in hospital either. If you don't feel like it, tell the midwives not to let them in.

You need to talk to your husband. Surely your feelings matter to him? Explain everything you've written here, there is nothing for anyone to be offended by

Absolutely not on! Why would you ever have agreed to this?! Cancel it now and say you don’t know what anyone was thinking when it was arranged. Throw a complete strop if necessary.

Cancel all plans for visitors now.

I am a MIL and there is no way I would put any DIL through this tell them to wait a couple of weeks until you feel organised and rested,tell OH to consider you and not his families feelings I hope all goes well for you x

Oh fuck that OP. What are they all going to do, sit around and watch you? Tell them to sod off and that you'll make a whatsapp group and update them when YOU feel like it.

Do you need them to look after your dd and dsd?

I am also a MIL and like PP there is no way I would put my precious DIL through this crap. I would visit briefly.

They, and your DH, are taking the absolute piss out of you. Why would putting you and your baby first upset your husband?

I was in for 8 days when DD2 was born. The induction took up 4 of those days then she was very jaundiced and unwell after she was born so was kept in. I would be telling them not to bother and to wait until the baby is here and you are settled back at home. Even then they should book a hotel.

When my youngest was born my husband at the time worked away and could only be home for a few days after the birth. He thought he was arranging a nice thing by surprising me with my Mother coming to stay for a week “to help”, no bloody idea why either of them thought this was useful as she is not a helpful sort and we don’t really get on! I told them both that was not going to work for me, she stayed one night and that was only because she couldn’t get back home until the next day.
You do what’s right for you, don’t be afraid to say no, don’t be worried about any fall out, your physical and mental health are the priority. If you want them to come then they stay in a hotel and visit for short periods when it suits you, if you don’t want them to come until a later date then say so, be firm and do not let yourself be guilted in to it. You and your baby are not toys to be played with or exhibits on display for all and sundry!

Why doesn't DH have your back? Why is he saying it's OK, and why can't you talk to him?

It seems like he's not afraid to upset you. I'll be charitable and say that if it's your first maybe he doesn't realise what's involved. But until you talk to him you won't know. (And if you haven't talked to him, he won't know how much this is stressing you out.)

Does he regularly appease his family at your expense?

This is an absolutely stupid idea by your partner. Tell him to get a clue, do some reading about what induction looks like (it could fail, go on for Days, result in an emergency section for all anyone knows).

Best outcome once the baby is here, is that you'll eventually go home a leaking, bleeding mess.

Read this thread to him.

The day after I had our first, I was a sleep deprived mess (literally, hallucinating with it, I'm not talking about in a cute Hollywood movie sleepless way). Boobs leaking. Bleeding for weeks. Midwives need to check on you, in private, at home. If you choose to breastfeed you may need to troubleshoot latching. You'll have your bits on air a lot to heal, possibly even unable to get into bed easily without help. I slept sitting up for two weeks due to birth injuries pain... And I was doubly incontinent for some weeks after.
Tell your partner to get a fucking grip.

gosh please start talking up for yourself. if there was any situation that you would be justified in saying NO it would be this one. You are giving birth and bringing home a newborn, recovering and overwhelmed. Your bloody dh needs his head knocked if he thinks that anyones needs be put before yours.

I'll be charitable and say that if it's your first maybe he doesn't realise what's involved.

Scrap that. I've just spotted that it's his DD that is the only other grandchild, so he does know. No more charitable thoughts from me.

Absolute no to this OP.

Induction can last days - or it can be quick - you need to feel as relaxed as possible and as positive mentally going into birth as you can - stress has a proven impact on length of labour - and indeed on mums wellbeing which is what really counts.

Breastfeeding (or establishing bottle feeds also) is f - ing stressful at the best of times.

They are being deeply inconsiderate and may just need a quick wake up call.

Tell them to come a week or so after baby born - it will still be stressful but you can control when they come. Tell them not to book a visit until you have established feeds and recovered from the birth.

Part of the great thing of becoming a parent is learning you are now the boss - it's up to you and your DH to tell them just NO

Being assertive means explaining what you want and think - and then letting go of giving a shit about how the other person feels !

With all the previous posts backing you up op... Ask your DH if he'd want a load of your family staying in the house if he were in a similar state?

I mean, if you cannot have priority/privacy in your own bathroom just after birth.. when can you?!

Apart from anything the midwives will need to examine you potentially (I developed a nasty csection infection during the post birth midwives care at home). I was laying on my sofa letting them examine my surgery site when they came around to check on us... Where will your space and privacy be then?

Does your DH have any idea about the reality? Most women would have laughed this off as a joke it's that bad to pressure you.. I think the problem here is that you've not nipped this in the bud the moment he said it as an utterly moronic thing to be pushing for.

Also see cortisol levels affecting labour length & intervention levels.. you cannot be stressful about this, you have better things to focus on, you simply need to squash this now because there's a very real biological response to slow labour if you're distressed.

Hi everyone,

I'm so glad I'm not being unreasonable/over sensitive.

Just to be clear DH is amazing, he really is and has not just decided this without consulting with me, and in his defence I have not expressed any concerns over the plans, he's under the impression I'm completely ok with them. And in MIL defence if she were to stay then she would be really helpful, cooking,cleaning etc.

However I really just feel like I need some time with my little family when I'm first home from hospital. We've already agreed that we're not announcing her birth to anyone other than immediate family so we're not inundated with calls, texts, visitors until I'm feeling settled at home.

I'm going to speak to DH when he's home from work and let him know how stressed upset and anxious having MIL and SIL staying would be. I'm hoping they will be ok with getting a hotel once we're discharged and visiting between 10am -6pm.

I feel more guilty because my family live in the same village as us, like literally a few streets away, so it feels like DH's family are getting the raw end of the deal because they live so far away and wont get to visit and see the baby whenever they want. After my emotional breakdown this afternoon though, I have realised my physical and mental health are more important and need to be given priority.

Thank you again for all the responses! They really have helped!!