To feel upset and not feel very loved

[purplepolo]

Currently 30 weeks pregnant and have a 2 year old dd.

Every so often my toddler has a sleepover on a friday night at my nans, and often my partner will go out on a bender with his mates and I wont see him till saturday. He'll stay out from the pub after work on the friday and not come home till then.

Its really starting to get to me, the last time we didnt have DD we went shopping friday day as he had work and the plan was to stay in and have a takeaway together. He was called by friends who asked him to go to the pub for a couple (it never is really, is it?) And it got to 9pm and I said shall we go home as we were getting takeaway and watching a film. He put on such a show about not going home, wanting to stay out with friends, carrying on drinking, etc and tbh was little embarrasing that his pregnant girlfriend was asking to go home and he put on such a show! So anyway after me almost pleading to go home, he came back, but brought everyone with him (about 6 of them). So no lovely takeaway evening and film night. Just them lot getting gattered but in my home rather than the pub.

Fast forward to last night, my nan rang me and offered to have DD for the night (tonight) and I said to partner as we are baby free can we please go out and do something (i.e. dinner, etc - just a night the two of us) and he had said yes and will see how much he gets paid and we'll do something. So im excited to have an evening just us! Nice meal out and actually get some quality time (and tbh im desperate as we'll have a breastfeeding newborn soon..so we wont have time just us for a while when baby is here). Hes rang me to ask to check his bank balence to see how much hes been paid, and i read it out and ask what did he fancy doing this evening? To which his tone completly changed and said that a mate who he hasnt seen in ages has asked to do something. I remind him of our conversation last night, he gets in a huff, says he has to go and just hangs up.

Ngl i feel really upset over it, those are just two incidents and i think its just building up inside of me and upsetting me that my own partner doesnt want to spend time with me. Its really getting me down, i just feel that he chooses the piss up and his friends over me. Aibu to feel upset over this or do i need to get a grip. I try to talk to him about how i feel and he says im being dramatic, if i get upset (and tbh in this pregnancy i seem to be crying alot ) he just gets annoyed. But this particular thing is really really getting me down. If i was to actually kick up a fuss, he may spend the evening with me, but then inside i know he doesnt want to be with me, he wants to be out. I just want him to want to spend time with me

And i feel like im coming across incredibly needy, but this is the only thing i have an issue with and just feeling rather neglected

Yeah, that is crap of him. Have you tried to talk about it at another time? Do you think he might have a drinking problem?

He sounds like a complete jackass. I’m sorry.

It's hard to tell from your post, OP. I mean, on the one hand, he sounds like a total arse, as though you're really not a priority, and as though he far prefers his drinking buddies to you, but on the other hand -- don't you have any other people you'd like to spend a rare toddler-free night with, as you seem to alternate between going to the pub with his friends or being at home or out for dinner with him? Where are your own friends in all this?

I know a couple of dad's like that, it's like they're rebelling against being part of the family that they created, and said they wanted.

You do need to talk to him, properly face to face. You probably will cry, it comes so easily when we're pregnant.

Of the 3 fathers I knew like this (including my husband), only one still goes to the pub most nights a year after his baby was born (thankfully not my husband). But it took a long time for each of them to realise what they're missing out on is way better than anything they're getting from being out.

Good luck, I really feel for you

Does he go out other nights with his mates?

That’s pretty shitty and you deserve better .
Has he always been so selfish ?

@shadowsardines

I do see my own friends, but none of them have kids or are pregnant so they go out in town every week getting hammered. I obviously cannot to that lol, so i make plans with them in the week for lunch, etc

He sounds horrible.

Is he your toddlers Dad?

I’d be seriously thinking about leaving him, he should want to spend time with you, not have to be pressured into it FFS.

@imnotyourgranny just weekends, in the week hes up at 5am and back about 6pm so is generally to tired to go out as he goes to bed around 9pm.

@fizzyice one of the negatives is that he can be selfish, and generally when pointed out he'll do something about it. But having plans with me and then ditching them is something ive not been able to resolve, and i do not want to beg him to spend time with me

none of them have kids or are pregnant so they go out in town every week getting hammered. I obviously cannot to that lol, so i make plans with them in the week for lunch, etc

The irony being that your boyfriend does have a child and another who'll be here shortly, and he goes out getting hammered for preference whenever he has the chance?

Are you and he alone in your friendship groups in having children, if all of both your friendship groups spend their nights drinking? Are you all very young?

I don't really know what future you have here... he sounds like he much prefers spending his Friday nights in the pub. And I used to be the first one in the pub on a Friday night, but I tend to be home with my other half now... or we're there together.

If you push him to spend time with you, you're both going to feel resentful. If you don't, he'll probably be out drinking every weekend and you'll barely see him. You can't really win.

Does he generally make you feel important to him? To be honest, he sounds like a selfish arse - and there's no way that he didn't know he was being selfish when he refused to leave the pub and then bought everyone home with him, or when he was making plans to see someone else tonight. He does know, he just hopes you don't call him on it.

@shadowsardines thats what gets to me :( is that he has these responsibilities and none of his or my friends have, its like once hes out and has had one im forgotten about and hes a teenager again.

We are quite young, both 22. Same friendship group none of which have children, ours were very much wanted though by both of us so its not like they were a suprise. This has only been an issue for the past few months and dont really get why, its like hes just rebelling against family life

@purplepolo no I can appreciate that , I had that with an ex , they then force themselves to spend a bit of time with you but then make no effort to hide their displeasure just so you’ll give in .
It’s a lose/lose situation.
Can’t really offer any advice other than to point out how out of order he’s being .
I’m glad dh and I are too lazy to go out in the evenings now , we’d rather stay in with dd and eat crap

He sounds awful and I wouldn’t tolerate being treated like this for a second, especially when pregnant.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. He’s a father and a partner to a pregnant woman. He should want to spend time with you not going out get drunk with his mates every chance he gets.

Hi OP. Starting a young family is tough and I truly believe young men have their own 'post baby' difficulties. At 22 you are both experiencing a very hard reality where it's all about the kids and responsibility and sometimes the fun is hard to find. I would encourage you to find a good time to talk to DP about your worries and how it makes you feel but also to tell him you recognise he needs that 'blow out' as well. I started a family at 25 and those early years were really tough. DP would go out and not come home until the early hours and I would feel like he didn't want to spend any time with me. We are now nearing 40 and things are so much easier.

I don't believe there are any easy answers and it's only if you assess the greater picture that you can decide if it's worth it. I expect as he ages and you grow together he will change (unless he's a total jackass!) but that doesn't help you now. I would be aiming for a compromise and trying to get him to see your needs. Whilst having young children was the most amazing experience in my life it was also without doubt the hardest on both of us. Be kind to yourself and each other. The one thing you can rely on is nothing stays the same. As you age, so do your priorities.

My caveat to the above of course is that if he is abusive or spending all the money or generally behaving disgracefully it's important you draw a line about what you will and what you won't tolerate. You have to establish your own boundaries with each other. A good example being I read a thread recently where someone was appalled by her DP asking for a quick shag or behaving like a horny teenager when she didn't feel like that at all. Other posters were saying that's standard banter in their house. It comes down to what you are happy with or prepared to tolerate and what you are not.

Good luck OP. FWIW, motherhood and pregnancy are the greatest blessing and the hardest job in the world and it sounds like you're doing awesome.

I also think age has a big part to play here. He wants to be out having fun with his mates, most people do at this age, and as much as he may have wanted kids, it's a whole different ballgame when he realises it's going to curb his social life.

It doesn't excuse his behaviour, maybe explain it a little. He is clearly working to support as he can, but he still wants to see his mates weekly, as he sees you nightly.

It's difficult, and other than wait for him to grow up, I'm not sure what else you can do if you don't want to end it. I'd agree with you, there is no point forcing it, as he will just resent you for it.

I agree, @Bluntness, but it's also hard to see why it wasn't obvious to the OP and her partner that having two babies in your very early 20s was going to knock their social lives on the head somewhat, and throw them way out of kilter with their friendship groups.

It’s pretty shitty of him to ditch you after you’ve talked about going out together. I think next time you need to be pro-active and actually make a booking somewhere for dinner - it would be much harder for him to make other plans when you have a set plan for the both of you.

It's very much an age thing. He's only 22, hardly out of school himself. I think men grow up so much more slowly than women. Having said that, I met my (ex)H when he was 33 and the pub was the only place he wanted to go. I dumped him pdq.

As a responsible family man now he needs to ditch the benders; he really does.

Does he ever stay in and baby sit so you can go out, or is that a one way street?

So sat down with OH today (after him going out last night - him coming home and me telling him that i want to sleep on my own in the bedroom..off to the sofa he went) and i explained to him pretty much everything i said. I explained calmly, didnt cry (probably because id done enough of that yesterday lol) and just said that we havent got that long till new baby is here, and i am just desperate for some quality time between me and him, my first was early, so i said we could have only 7 weeks left till baby is here and is attached to my boob for the following 8 months so i really want to make the most of the time we have together! I just generally said how shit it made me feel.

He said that he hadnt thought of it like that, and didnt realise how little time we had left, and that this pregnancy has just flown by, and has promised to make more of an effort as he also wants to make the most of the time we have left. So i do feel really relieved that my chat went well, i have my fingers crossed it sticks!