AIBU to want DH help with morning rush

[Belfield]

I usually sort our DS and I in the mornings as my husband leaves earlier. Although we are up about 20 mins before he leaves, he sorts himself only and offers no help. This morning he decided to work from home which starts at 8.30. We got up and I was running late. My DH said that he would do the washing (which consists of putting in washing machine and dryer, not folding /putting away, ironing etc) and was talking about how his boss works from Home on Monday and probably does the same and that isn't it amazing that he is at such a high level and he is sitting doing the washing. For context, i have the same high level type job as his boss. I was doing the lunch for DS and breakfast for DS and my fruit for the morning break whilst he was disturbing me with this conversation. Later I was running late and had to brush DS teeth better/floss because his breath was a bit off. It is raining heavily so DS had to change his shoes/clothes. Towards the end, I got frustrated and was shouting come on lets go, lets go, we will be late, come on put your shoes on, quickly get your bag, quickly come on. At one stage, I was upstairs doing my makeup and was shouting down to DS (who was downstairs dressing) are you dressed yet? Come upstairs. My DH was downstairs on his laptop (despite the fact he doesn't start work for 15 min) and just ignoring everything. He didn't say to DS go upstairs for your teeth, didn't help find shoes, just did nothing. AIBU for being really pissed off. I have sent him a few messages saying I am at a complete loss to understand how he can clearly see I am rushing and struggling to get out on time and how he could just sit there, through all that, doing zero. He replied that he wanted to "stay out of the shouting". It is usually fine in the mornings and all goes well but in my mind, you are not even part of a family if you just sit there. I asked him to pay for the parking also (long story) and he said he didn't know how and I would have to do it myself so that delayed me also.

AIBU to expect when your DH is in the house in the morning that they should help rather than just sit there on their laptop

What a complete nob he is.

pjmask has summarised it beautifully. What does he do?

YANBU But why didn't you say something to him rather than send a text? Perhaps you could communicate your needs in the future and he could help out. I get that you'd like him to have some common sense and take the initiative but some people don't have that!

On the odd occasion my DH works from home he absolutely helps out with getting kids ready. Next time perhaps you could just get yourself ready and go to work, and leave him to get DS up, ready and to school?

If he is too stupid or too lazy to help of his own accord, you need to communicate clearly and spell out what his responsibilities are going to be in future.
“DH, you will get the DC school kit assembled and pack their lunchboxes. I will do breakfast” - or whatever arrangement you like.
It’s no good rushing about, shrieking and flustered, to try and demonstrate how busy and stressed you are. DH apparently doesn’t notice, care, or see it as his job to assist in parenting his DC.
So tell him! Stop martyring yourself and make him pull his weight. But do so in a calm discussion, and not during the morning rush. Good luck!

@Shayisgreat I will say something to him but it will be tomorrow before I can as we have guests over later. I wanted to get it off my chest now but I will say it. I've said it loads of times already and he thinks that I should have to explain exactly what I want which I actually don't have time to do. The parking is an example. I asked him to sort. yes, what is the address, how do you do it, where do you go, show me the website, oh i can't do it, you will just have to do yourself. We have parked there for six years. If I say can you pay parking in my mind it should just be done. I shouldn't have to deal with a single query about it. He should figure it out as he is an adult. I used to buy into that some people don't have common sense but I actually now think it is just laziness. Sure why would I do it when someone else is stupid enough to do it for me.

It absolutely is laziness. "I can't do it" = "I can't be bothered to do it".

This would drive me up the wall and I would explode in a ball of fury I'm afraid. I even get annoyed when my DH does things like ask "where are the nappies?" when he's upstairs in the same room as them and I'm in the kitchen! USE YOUR EYES.

I never understand threads like this. If my DH behaved so badly I’d tell him right away to sort it out and make sure he did. I’d not be posting online wondering if I’m reasonable to expect him to do his fair share.

With the parking thing he just couldn't be arsed. Faffed so much that you won't ask him again.

He's a lazy fucker who sees parenting as your job.

You need to tell your DH exactly what you need so he doesn’t turn around and say that he was just staying out of the shouting. He also cannot say that he wasn’t told/didn’t know. As Voltaire once famously said, “Common sense is not so common.”

You need to clearly and calmly communicate and delegate and not let him get away with his strategic incompetence

How it’s such a drama to one kid up and dressed in the morning I do t know, however I’d expect DH to muck in.

Is this a new sort of behaviour from him, or has he always been a bit of an ass?

If you have a 20 minute overlap in the morning I'd suggest that your DH gets up earlier to take part in it?

I'm constantly amazed at the amount of people who tell me they don't have time in the morning and are envious that i swan in, relaxed, with my coffee and start work. Of course my children are grown up.
Except that when my children were small, these same colleagues had zero understanding when I occasionally arrived stressed due to children + mornings + school + commute, because they didn't have children. And yet they were still often late.

And the key was and still is: do what you can the night before, and get up earlier. Yes, mornings suck. Stressed mornings suck more though. And it is pretty easy to get used to getting up 20 minutes earlier (I landed on 20 minutes after some experimentation). DH and I (and later either DH or I and the DCs) got their stuff ready the evening before (live in a country with no uniform so a bit meh sometimes), including sports stuff etc. Any packed lunches, money, whatevers were put in bags. Any required signatures were done then, too. I resolutely refused to sign anything shoved under my nose, last-minute, and after a much wanted trip to a zoo was missed, it never happened again.

Getting up is shit. But once you are up and had your first wee and so on you're laughing. We used to get up at 6 and leave the house at 7:15. In my case, DH used to leave the house at 5 so i did it alone, but to compensate he did evening things.

I think I get why he might have thought it better not to interfere. Getting DS out of the house has become your domain and he probably didn't want to get his head bitten off by very stressed Belfield when he got in the way.

You do clearly need to sit down with him and talk about the amazing boss though. Get him to commit to how amazing it is he does the washing. Then talk to him about what you do in the house. And then, and only then say "you do know I do the same job as amazing boss man, don't you?" And ask him for help.
Is there a reason DH couldn't put breakfast out or help with making sure shoes are by the door, or maybe making DS lunch, before he goes to work? Non that involves DS needing to be up.

I think my issue is not so much with needing to get a better system in place. Usually everything is fine and I deal with it all. This morning was a one off and caused primarily by 1. the parking and 2. DH disturbing me with constant conversation. This delayed me and then he just sat there doing nothing about it. I suppose tbh I can't understand how he could just sit there and do nothing because I would never, ever, do that. Given him instruction etc. is fine but there will always be one offs or events that require everyone to just muck in. Why do I have to give him instruction on everything? I'm not his mother. I can't understand why he can't muck in when required. The parking was caused also by DH. We are buying a car and he was supposed to collect it on Wednesday but was arguing over stupid stuff (like he always does) with the dealer and so we have to pay parking every day. I usually do it monthly. It is him that delayed the car replacement so should have sorted out the parking as it needed to be sorted. Thanks everyone for the advise but a lot of it is aimed at me, being more organised and giving him instruction etc. and I actually think this is why i am here in the first place. He receives so much instruction etc. that when a "lets all muck in" event occurs he just sits there doing nothing leaving it all up to me and I get overwhelmed. I think I will just say to him that if he is working from home in future to please stay in bed until we are gone as he is just disruptive.

Don't do that! Then you're just telling him that all he has to do is fuck up and he'll be allowed to stay in bed!

What does he say when you tell him that you feel overwhelmed when he won't muck in? Because he might have a reasonable answer (doubtful) but if he doesn't then that's the issue that needs to be addressed. Like if it's laziness or a weird attitude that you should have to do everything because you're the woman then he deserves a kick up the bum and told to cop on.

I assumed you're a woman - sorry if that was wrong.

My husband is a bit like this with food for our ds - constant questions about what to give hin for lunch/snack/dinner. It's frustrating because DH can prepare food for himself no problem, knows that DS will eat most things so I don't get why he needs me to do his thinking for him when it comes to this.

Is there any way that you could orchestrate a situation in which he needs to take charge? If he doesn’t get instructions or pleading, he might understand the sharp shock of having to do it all by himself.

I'd ask him what he thought his boss did at home as well as the washing - was he helpless and causing delays to the rest of the family trying to get out of the door or wash he actively helping and stepping up. And does he think his boss would be able to do it all himself if needs be because your dh doesn't look like he would be able to at the moment.

and what does he think his boss would say if he saw your dh being so incompetent and helpless at home - there's no way that he would hire him if he saw his actions (or lack thereof more to the point!) in the mornings.