Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To think family doesn't always matter?

23 replies

73Sunglasslover · 03/10/2019 21:24

I was reading some other threads on here where people have felt family should prioritise them/ put themselves out for them. There are always varied responses but one common theme is some people saying things like 'of course family counts/ matter'. It's got me thinking. Is that always the case? What if your family ignore you, don't contact you can't be relied on to support you or show an interest? Should we feel obliged to treat them better than others or prioritise them if that's not reciprocated? Or if family have become like this it is best to go NC?

OP posts:

OctoberLovers · 03/10/2019 21:26

My partners family are awful, they havent showed him any support when he needed them most, no back story at all

Original poster

73Sunglasslover · 03/10/2019 21:27

Yes, some family just don't. So is it reasonable to say 'of course family matters' if the family are just not there for each other?

OP posts:

RedskyLastNight · 03/10/2019 21:33

People who say that family is most important tend to come from close knit parents where everyone cares about everyone else and everyone puts themselves out for everyone else.

And they generally seem unable to understand that not everyone has that type of relationship with their families.

Original poster

73Sunglasslover · 03/10/2019 21:38

I think you are right Redsky. The assumptions behind this statement are massive. It's a shame that people assume their experience is always shared by others as I think that can get in the way of empathy .

OP posts:

TellySavalashairbrush · 03/10/2019 21:45

I’ve seen both sides. My family used to be very very close, to the point of enmeshed. However, oldest ds went through a sort of midlife crisis about 15yrs ago and the family fragmented. I’m now probably closer to my friends than most of my family. It used to upset me, but it is what it is.

TellySavalashairbrush · 03/10/2019 21:46

Ds= Dear sister .

Ermmmmname · 03/10/2019 22:07

I’m LC after being NC with a member of my own family and NC with a member of DHs family and I’m a lot happier for it.
A few people said oh but they’re family but honestly those 2 people have driven me to the brink of suicide with their actions so family definitely doesn’t come above my mental health! Some of my ILs aren’t happy about the situation but I’m also not alone in being NC with the person within my DHs family.

OctoberLovers · 03/10/2019 22:07

Partner thought "Family matters"
But now, he doesnt believe it, as they now don't

Member984815 · 03/10/2019 22:11

Absolutely not , toxic people are toxic people

Bargebill19 · 03/10/2019 22:15

I walked away from my family 20 years ago when I realised they just thought of me as their unpaid slave. Hubby knows his family think absolutely nothing positive about him... but continues to act like they are to be respected and revered. I have zero contact with them. I believe respect is earnt.
Families don’t always earn respect.
But then I’m odd - I expect people to behave toward me, as I would, towards them. Friends are chosen and to me, matter greatly.

Ohyesiam · 03/10/2019 22:24

So is it reasonable to say 'of course family matters' if the family are just not there for each other?

No, obviously not.
I imagine there very few blanket statements that apply in all situations. Outside of physics, life is seldom that black and white.

monkeymonkey2010 · 03/10/2019 22:28

I have better relationships with strangers than i do my own family - so no, family is NOT the be-all and end-all of everything.

Moondust001 · 03/10/2019 22:35

The best ten years of my life was when I had no contact with my family by choice. I stopped caring and just got on with life. When my father became terminally ill he wanted to see me and against my better judgement I got sucked back in. And ever since I haven't had a happy thought when it comes to family, but I also can't put it to one side and just ignore the hurt they cause me. I have quite literally decided that I am cutting contact with them permanently again to protect myself. So no, blood is not thicker than water, and the "family" you choose, to me, is what matters. My friends are worth hundreds of my brother and sister.

ILearnedItFromABook · 03/10/2019 22:50

Of course it depends on the individual's situation. For some, family is all-important. For others, family treat them worse than what they get from strangers on the street.

I think it's in most people's best interest to maintain at least a casually friendly relationship with family, but sometimes that's not possible. Even in relatively happy families, things can be quite complicated.

phoenixrosehere · 03/10/2019 22:50

*People who say that family is most important tend to come from close knit parents where everyone cares about everyone else and everyone puts themselves out for everyone else.

And they generally seem unable to understand that not everyone has that type of relationship with their families.*

This.

The whole thing about mums or parents not wanting visitors or guests when they have children is a prime example of it.

I live 4,000 miles away from my parents and 400+ miles away from my in-laws for a reason. My husband considered us moving closer to his family and as time passed scratches that idea because he realised that it was becoming too much for him as well as seeing the cracks in his family he hadn’t noticed. His family is quite close-knit but to a point that in-laws are sidelined. I noticed it in the early years of our marriage that I rarely saw the other spouses and figured out why.

My family and I only get on in small doses. I spent most of my childhood and teen years hoping to be put out of my misery due to my parents. I cried when I made it to uni and was away from them.

LeedsGirl1 · 03/10/2019 22:55

I prioritise more of my friends than family. I have a huge family. Like 4 uncles 4 aunties and so many cousins I recently had a baby nobody contacted me at all. I washed my hands of them I’ve tried to keep in touch before this but it was always me contacting first. So I just don’t now. It’s been over a year & I've seen one uncle I bumped into once. My immediate family are amazing though

Original poster

73Sunglasslover · 04/10/2019 15:45

Hi LeedsGirl

That's very hurtful for no-one to contact you when you have a baby. Sounds very much like mine really. When I was admitted to hospital with sepsis, my dad was 'too busy' (he's retired, no dependents, lots of cash) to contact me. I have given up initiating things with him and my older sister. Turns out they don't bother, so we have very little contact now. I'm glad your immediate family are amazing.

OP posts:

rvby · 04/10/2019 15:54

There is a huge economic component to this.

Generally speaking, in order to move into the middle class from poverty, you start to put achievement ahead of family. This usually fragments relationships and families over time. In context, it can feel like family members abandon each other, ignore certain family members, etc.

"Putting family first" is typically a symptom / characteristic of poverty and the ability to survive it. Folk who are poor have to stick together. You'll find that for people who "escape a controlling family" theres often a sudden change in availability of money or other resources that makes it possible for them to go NC.

There can be significant cultural clash between folk who dont realise this cultural difference exists.

I would say all families are manipulative and controlling to some extent, putting the needs of the group ahead of those of the individual/s. Those who choose to ignore this usually have to, in order to survive. Once they can survive alone, their view of their family changes and they slowly begin to detach. If they can never survive alone, they usually stay in denial for life. Or become very bitter and depressed.

LeahSMS · 04/10/2019 22:19

@73Sunglasslover yes it’s sad but unfortunately most of the time it was always me contacting them I actually can’t think of one occasion they contacted me first unless they wanted something. So I just choose to move on & consider myself lucky have a good immediate family & great friends. That’s so sad about your dad I struggle to understand why he didn’t make the effort to see you. Invest your time in decent friends Op. that’s what I do x

Mumofboth · 04/10/2019 22:26

I’m extremely close to my family and DHs. We help each other when we can and we celebrate the good times together. There’s no co-dependency as suggested above, we’re all financially “stable” and fit and healthy, we just get on really well and have a mutual respect and love. So to me, family is very important. But I realise I’m probably in the minority and not all families have the same dynamic.

TheBouquets · 04/10/2019 23:41

I was quite disappointed, that after I had babysat most days every week including weekends and unsocial hours for a family member, then the twice I asked for help from the parent of the child I was babysitting it took a lot of moaning to get help the first time and the second time it was agreed right up to the day before and then on the day there was no contact at all.
The next series of shifts I was expected to babysit no matter that I was ill. Because I was ill and could not babysit I am now ignored.
On the up side. I do not have anyone around me behaving in a nasty manner or constantly critical of me.
I had always been involved in a close family but two younger women in my family who may well be MNs are not communicative, want people to do things for them but not ask for favours from them.
It goes against all I have ever known but I stay clear now.
I was shocked when I first heard about MN don't come near us or see our new baby for 2 weeks etc and the constant moaning about DMs and DMiLs. MNs dont seem to realise that they will one day be the DM and or DMiL who will be discussed with great criticism on Social Media and will not be allowed to see their new DGC for a month.

Alittleodd · 05/10/2019 00:01

There seems to be a specific undertone that often goes with "family comes first" which is "we can treat you as badly as we like because you're faaaaaamily and therefore it's ok apparently." People I know have higher standards of behaviour for strangers on the street than their own immediate family members.

Call me crazy but I have this weird belief that if you love someone you are nice to them.

So no, family doesn't always come first. Only if their behaviour warrants it.

LaLoba · 05/10/2019 01:38

People who say that family is most important tend to come from close knit parents where everyone cares about everyone else and everyone puts themselves out for everyone else.

I don’t know. My personal experience has been that people with healthier, happier relationships with their parents than mine have been more understanding and supportive of my decision to be no contact with my own. They are horrified by my family’s behaviour.

On the other hand, the people who seem to think you should stick by your family no matter what, seem to have more resentful, sometimes worrying relationships with their family. I think people in general are good at denial, so those that preach family as inviolable can’t see how messed up their own situation is.

Flip