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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That he wont eat my meals?

56 replies

TwistedFairytales · 03/10/2019 19:16

DH is very fussy with food, I would even go as far as to say he has psychological problems with it. Yet he eats like shit, fast food, burgers, chocolate bars full fat coke etc. He thinks this is ok because he doeant drink or smoke.

He never gives much input with what meals he wants and the ones he suggests are impractical such as a supermarket indian box meal. Ten quid and wont feed the kids. You get the idea.

I do ALL the cooking. He never, ever cooks. Yet every meal time he will question me about the food and ingredients. Whats in this, where's the chicken from, is this meat frozen? If he gets an answer he doesnt like he will leave the meal. I get so angry at this as i spend a lot of time and effort planning meals to suit us all that are cheap, healthy and nutritious.

Yet again hes dumped an almost full plate of food on the side after complaining about the chicken (frozen). I feel so mad that he's acting like a picky child when i spend around 3 hours a day in the kitchen cooking for us all. Or should I just let it go?
AIBU?

OP posts:

adaline · 03/10/2019 20:05

I stand by the idea that you're wasting too much time cooking!

TheDarkPassenger · 03/10/2019 20:06

Sounds like me when my eating disorder is in full swing.

StockTakeFucks · 03/10/2019 20:07

I'm fussy as fuck, and because of that I cook all my own meals.
Stop cooking for him. He can sort himself out.
OH cooks for himself, since he's going through a lazy phase it's mostly ready meals atm. Not my problem.

thisnamechanger · 03/10/2019 20:09

I would hate this. My ex never ever cooked and hated loads of things (even though sometimes the things he said he hated contradicted other things he liked). He basically wanted meat, veg and really thin gravy every fucking night. The thing that jumps out at me from your OP is He never gives much input . This annoyed me even more than the fussiness with exDP. I love cooking Soni don't mind doing it every day but every day all I got was "I don't care" which is bollocks when HE was the fussy one. Mental load! (Current DP wolfs everything bi out in front of him and pronounces it delicious!)

Verily1 · 03/10/2019 20:11

Maybe he just doesnt like your cooking?

If he’s used to ready made sauces he’s probably used to a higher sugar and salt count than in your home made versions.

Do you agree on food spending? Do you need meals to be cheap?

There must be some scope for compromise? Eg no frozen chicken, a boxed curry once a week?

bumblingbovine49 · 03/10/2019 20:12

DS has ASD. He likes veggie burgers ( the kind made form beans or vegetables. Not fake meats) In 3 years I have tried to make around 30-40 different recipes for home made veggie burgers. He has not liked a single one. He wants packaged processd ones. I have now given up.

EggysMom · 03/10/2019 20:18

Ready meals and pre-processed food is "safe". My DH is similar, he was brought up on very weird food combinations and home-grown vegetables with insects still there

Booboostwo · 03/10/2019 20:21

It’s very difficult to tell the difference between people who are fussy and people who have eating disorders like ARFID. From what you say your DH probably has some kind of food avoidance issue, however this does not excuse him in being rude. He is an adult so he should have developed some coping strategies so as not to be so rude when other people cook for him, like taking responsibility for his own meals and cooking something he will eat (and hopefully making enough for everyone!).

AdoraBell · 03/10/2019 20:31

My DH used to be fussy. A few times he commented, interesting, not what I normally eat and I don’t this done like this

First time I responded that I cooked it, it’s dinner. Second time, if you don’t like it don’t eat it.

Don’t cook for him, leave it up to him to cook for himself, or he can get ready Meals/junk

timshelthechoice · 03/10/2019 20:33

I would have long stopped cooking for him. Leave him to it.

cacklingmags · 03/10/2019 20:34

I would cook for you and the kids and just keep him away from the table so they don't pick up on his eating disorder.

AutumnRose1 · 03/10/2019 20:36

If there's no budget issue, he should sort his own food.

I must be honest, I hate cooking and only do it because it's economical, so I can understand if it cuts a big hole in the budget for him to eat as he pleases, but maybe there's a compromise? So he could add whatever sauce he likes to cooked chicken? But if you both work he certainly should be cooking.

Jux · 03/10/2019 20:37

So rude. Let him feed himself on the budget you get per person. Discuss it with him and keep a firm note of it all for a few weeks and then go over it with him. Then teach him to make some easy one pot meals which he can make for the whole famly. Get him involved. My DH got interested by doing the mash, then roast spuds, then moved on to chips, and then he started doing tempura batter and now he's pretty good.

MunaZaldrizoti · 03/10/2019 20:40

Tiresome man-baby alert. Give up, let him eat what he wants. You already have 2 babies and don't need your husband being another.

Why do some women marry men like this??

Purpleartichoke · 03/10/2019 20:42

DH and I have been together for nearly 15 years. We are still together, because a few years in, I realized that I needed to stop cooking for him. He will always be a picky eater. He can’t change that. He really has tried because it did cause real problems on our relationship.

I only cook a very small list of things for him at this point that are guaranteed hits. Even foods I know he likes, but are hard to get just exactly the way he wants I don’t cook. Only safe, guaranteed meals. So once or twice a month he eats something I make. The rest of the time he is on his own.

Ginfordinner · 03/10/2019 20:44

Why do some women marry men like this??

I don't get it either. That would be a deal breaker for me.

AutumnRose1 · 03/10/2019 20:47

I wouldn't worry at all about a partner wanting to eat different food. They'd need to share cooking.

One friend told me "modern marriage is about coming home from work, having a drink and desperately hoping the other person will make dinner" 😂

timshelthechoice · 03/10/2019 20:49

Why do some women marry men like this??

Then think they can change him - Aw, he just needs a good woman to cook 'nutritious and healthy' meals, his mammy did everything for him the poor ickle thing just can't cook, etc, they think he will magically change after kids come along, they have low standards and/or poor, shite examples of behaviour in relationships.

NotGoingToFall · 03/10/2019 20:52

Agree with others - let him eat junk. Also if you want to spend less time cooking, do simpler dinner (and one breakfast for all, not different foods for everyone). I cook from scratch and healthy food, which are also quick to good. If you need ideas, check for example gousto (or hello fresh) recipes, they're 10-20 mins normally.

StockTakeFucks · 03/10/2019 20:58

Why do some women marry men like this??

Because being fussy is not an issue. Taking no interest,having no input, being unable or unwilling to cook and then moaning and whinging about it is.

kateandme · 03/10/2019 21:02

He could have just been a fussy b*** but the fact that you yourself mentioned a psychological issue to me points that there is one. So I think you need to to forgive him for that and let it go and not let it get to you. Because if someone has an eating disorder they would do anything and become very heightened emotion or even rudeness to get back into the safe zone. Maybe sit down and talk to him and say ok tell me things you can manage so we move forward. is there meals we can have together etc etc and then say the rest you can do yourself. Then continue to help your kids have a better attitude to food and make sure you tell him that you don't want his disorder impacting the kids. And therefore he must do everything to make sure the kids aren't seeing what he's doing as ok.

SpaceCadet4000 · 03/10/2019 21:04

I actually think YABU. He clearly has very long-standing food issues that you're aware of. Just stop cooking for him. Work out how much your family can budget for his food and let him get on with it. Just agree that you get the kitchen first to feed the DC.

My DH is picky about quite a lot of food. It's not reasonable for me to live on a restricted diet so when I cook things he'll won't like he sorts himself out. Over time, he's come to try and like new stuff but only because he's not cornered into doing so.

In defence of people with sensory issues around food a lot of people want to eat "normally" so force themselves to the table when someone insists on cooking for them. But their anxiety takes over, and that doesn't always translate into polite or rational behaviour. It's often a lifetime cycle that takes quite a lot to break.

FamilyOfAliens · 03/10/2019 21:08

I’ve always felt there’s something deeply unattractive about a man who can’t cook.

Hesafriendfromwork · 03/10/2019 21:08

That 3 hours you quoted is bobbins and has no impact on his eating.

You are saying that because you make breakfast for you and your kids, lunch for yourself and then choose to bake and choose to spend nearly 2 hours cooking dinner, that he should eat. No idea why chicken supreme, veg and potatoes needs 1 hour 40 mins of you stood in the kitchen.

He isnt going to eat it so dont cook it. You knew this when he married him and choosing to spend so much time in the kitchen wont change that.

He does sound like a pita. But it's almost you think he should have just changed because you want to spend so long in the kitchen.

Fundays12 · 03/10/2019 21:11

My hubby would be told you know where the kitchen is so go make your own. He isn’t a child and your not his mother let him fend for himself he will soon realise how lucky he is you cook so many nice meals. There is no chance would I spend more than one hour max cooking a day.

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