Urgent DA advice needed

[Rubychard]

I’ll be as brief as I can. And hopefully my name change has worked.

I have a friend who has been a victim of coercive control for many years. Her husband is an alcoholic although he is functioning.

THeir relationship has deteriorated this year and she visited a women’s centre to access services and put her feelings into perspective about her marriage. They told her it was coercive control. She didn’t believe it at first because it’s been going on for almost all their relationship. He has MH issues and says that if she was a better wife he would be better. Ie making her responsible for his issues.

Various agencies have become involved and because of his drinking / volatility with respect to their son, and she has been told she needs to leave tomorrow or SS will become involved as she will be seen to be enabling him by not removing them from the situation.

She leaves tomorrow. She is terrified. She is hoping he is going to work and she can pack for an hour and get out and pick her son up at lunchtime from school. She has somewhere to go for a couple of weeks. Has paperwork and passports.

What advice can I give her?
Thank you

Hi OP, there's another thread going at present from a poster who is also in the process of upping and leaving her partner/husband whilst he is away. There's some great advice on there that might be useful. It's under Relationships and is called "He's won.... now what?"

I’ll have a read thanks

She needs to not be alone with him - this is the single most dangerous point (once the decision to leave has been made and before she leaves). Can she have someone else with her?

The only advice you can give her is to be strong for her ds and know that she is doing the right thing by him.

And then pray hope the abusive alcoholic arsewipe goes to work tomorrow and that she's able to leave without incident.

In the event that he stays home and isn't in an alcoholic stupor, does she have a Plan B?

Plan B is walk out of the house with nothing and get child from school. Trouble is is that he works sporadic hours so she doesn’t know when he is coming and going. Plan A is leave with a few things.

Can she get a occupation order on the house so that she can get back in quickly?

She’s seen a solicitor today and I think that’s one of the things they discussed. She did say it could cost £5k to get him out of the house. And I think he’s the type that would smash it up rather than leave.

It's sometimes better to apply for occupation and other orders from a distance.

The abusive partner can continue to live in the property in blissful ignorance until they get hit with a whammy and are compelled to leave by the police - when they're living in the property they don't tend to smash it up and when an order is served without warning they don't have time to wreck the joint before they have to vacate it.

Has your friend asked about the possibility of legal aid? If his abuse has been documented by police, hospital/GP etc, she may qualify subject to her income/savings etc.

Ideally your friend should have been smuggling clothes/toys/treasured possessions out of the house and storing them with a kindly soul such as yourself, but I presume that she's been given little notice of the potential SS involvement and has had no time to get her act together.

Unless she has reason to believe that SS will swoop down on her over the weekend, it seems to me she may have some leeway to leave on another date if tomorrow proves impossible,

I don't think it's a good idea to delay as a previous poster has suggested. If she has to leave with nothing, there are charities and support that'll help them. Her priority is absolutely getting her and her son out tomorrow as she has been told too.
The best advice you can really give is to be strong and thing of her son first. I imagine she's working with a women's refuge who will be able too refer her to relevant charities and services as needed. You sound very caring and like you feel a bit useless in this situation. But it's one of those situations where there isn't much you can do, be emotionally there and remind her how strong and brave she is and she's doing the right thing.

I’m not sure he’s ever got physical with her. That’s probably why she was shocked when she was told it was abuse. I don’t think she’s been smuggling stuff out of the house (I wish I’d suggested it when I last saw her). I’m telling her to be brave and to have courage.

But when he finds out she’s gone his rage will be indescribable.

Does anyone know if the police could accompany her to get possessions?

Yes police should assist (if they have time) but perhaps her social worker could help with speaking to the police?

I don’t think social services are involved......yet

Practice may vary between areas, but here the police will return with the woman to collect belongings. Social care would have referred her for a refuge place, where she would be able to stay to start with.

They would also refer her to a service that will support her to go to the council, who will have a statutory duty to house her and the children. Once they have temporary accommodation (but not B&B!) available, she would then be supported to move.

She would also be helped to claim benefits, to change addresses on all a/c's etc, to access legal advice, liaise with schools (sometimes, children have to change schools because of risk of abduction or risk to the mother at pick up/drop off), apply for maintenance, access MH services if necessary etc.

If they own their house, and it's not in joint names, she will need to apply to the Land Registry to get a matrimonial rights notice registered (it's really easy to do and is either free or very cheap, a solicitor will charge for doing it).

She'll need an address for bank statements, new cards etc to be sent to and set up mail forwarding. Sometimes, it's safest to get a PO Box address, it has been known for an ex to find out the forwarding address if they know a dodgy postie!

She will also need a lot of support and reassurance from her friends and family though. It will be very traumatic for her and she will feel very vulnerable. She may become very depressed and doubt that she has done the right thing. She may start showing signs of PTSD (as might the children, if they have seen their father behave in a way that has frightened them). Hopefully, the refuge will be able to link her in with an agency that will help.

Maybe you will be able to provide some of that support, OP. If so, take care of yourself, too. Helping women resettle after fleeing DA used to be part of my job and some of us found it incredibly draining. My manager agreed that we would only ever have one DA case on our caseload at a time (luckily, there were 2 others on the team who were excellent at this sort of work and seemed better able to maintain some distance, I think it was hard for me because I have been in 2 abusive relationships myself).

Thanks everyone for your posts tonight. I’ve reassured her she’s doing the right thing. I’ve reminded her to get paperwork but at such short notice I don’t think there’s much other practical advice I can give her. She just needs to go and hope it goes ok.

I’ll update tomorrow afternoon.

Who the hell threatened her with social care?

That's bang out of order.

Unless the child is in immediate risk of significant harm (in which case the Police will assess and see if they need immediate help), Children's Services will take time to assess and HELP her stay safe / get out safely.

She does not need to rush.

I'm furious that someone is making her do this under threat... that's hardly different to what she's been living with

My thinking too, Lewis.

If SS become involved they will help her to leave safely and I fail to understand why she should be coerced into doing a moon daylight flit before she has collected her possessions and more particularly when, from what the OP has said, her abuser will destroy whatever of her belongings she leaves behind.

The local family safety unit threatened her with this. I wish I knew better how these things worked.

I feel I am late to respond but I really hope she managed to leave today or has a plan in place.

I lived with an alcoholic who was controlling with mh issues for years. I wish I had left secretly and chose when to do it.

Instead I tried telling him I wanted to separate to give him warning and then that is when he started to get aggressive. Ending up with him trying to forcibly make me go home with him from a train station before the police were called. That night I lost my home and easy access to my life.

For someone who is controlling - once the victim starts to challenge it - that is when they start to panic and escalate their behaviour.

The local 'family safety unit' can fuck right off unless, of course, any of their staff are prepared to accompany your friend and stand by her in her home while she collects her belongings in front of a mad man. Thought not.

If she's prepared to leave the arsewipe, SS won't remove her dc and will help her leave safely most probably with the assistance of the police. Please tell your friend not to be panicked by the FSU and to smuggle out as much as she can before leaving for good.

Hope she’s ok.

Women's aid.