To feel so utterly rubbish at this.

[Honeyandlemon19]

Hi all.

Not sure if anyone can realistically help me here or if I just need to offload but any help would be appreciated.

Warning; this will be long.

My baby girl is 11 weeks tomorrow. It’s been just me and her since she was 5 weeks old when my DH went back to work. I thought we’d be in a bit of a routine by now but things are still completely all over the place.

She is still taking really small feeds every 1-2 hours, sometimes even just 1 oz at a time, usually it’s around 3oz. I see on the formula tub she should be on around five 6oz feeds a day, which would be so much more manageable but seems we’re not even close to that. I’ve tried stretching it out between feeds but don’t know how much I agree with it and she goes ballistic anyway. But I must be doing at least 10 feeds a day/night which is exhausting and we’re throwing away a lot.

She’s in quite a good evening routine. Between 6.30-7pm we take her upstairs and bath her, give her a bottle and then she’s usually asleep by 8pm. We then watch her on the monitor until we go up at about 10.30-11pm when I try and do a dream feed. However how often and when she wakes during the night is totally random. Last night it was 2am and then again at 5.30am. She didn’t really settle again until 7am. She takes more of her feeds during the night. Her wake up times are always different.

She doesn’t follow any nap pattern during the day either. And duration of naps are totally random. She doesn’t particularly like sleeping in her pram, or bouncer, even on me it takes ages to settle her. The dog and general noise tends to wake her very easily so naps are never really longer than 20 mins a couple of times a day. I really tried to avoid her being a light sleeper but she is. I’m debating putting her in her cot upstairs for day time naps too but she’s quite good at associating it with nighttime so worried about disrupting that.

I’m really struggling. Most days I don’t get dressed. I just about manage drinks, making or getting anything to eat is impossible. With her lack of naps, being woken so easily when she does and her crying the place down when she can’t see me when she’s awake, trying to have/make a lunch is a nightmare. Housework, even watching tv or reading something is out the window. I don’t even know where to begin with trying to get her napping better and taking more of her feeds. I feel too exhausted to even attempt leaving the house so feel very isolated. I should add I’ve no other help than DH in the evenings and weekends. Parents can’t help us, no siblings and no real friends. I’ve never felt so alone in my life.

She’s on infacol for colic and until this week was struggling to do a dirty nappy more than once every 4 days and would scream the place down until she managed it. The past week she’s been going every other day without any meltdowns but that hasn’t resulted in any better nap/feed routine.

Will this get easier? I’m so tired and feel like my baby is just always upset and unsettled with me. This isn’t working for either of us and I just want her to be happy.

Sorry that was long.

Hi OP. I had my son 8 months ago and to be honest he was much the same at that age. We didn't really get into any sort of 'routine' until about 4-5 months. It's good that you have a night routine settled but don't expect your DD to sleep through without feeds yet it's unrealistic. DS only started sleeping through this past month. It's hard but not forever. Have you had her checked for tongue tie? DS didn't suffer from it until 4.5 months but he was 5 weeks premature and it can effect premies and boys more than girls.

Have you tried taking her for walks during the day in the pram for naps? For a long time that was the only way to get DS to sleep. I know it's getting colder but as long as you wrap her up warm she'll be fine outside.
It'll also do you some good!

I'm.not in the UK so never went to mum and baby groups but it might be worth looking for one near to you just so you can meet other new mums?
It does get better but I know that now you feel like you're just stuck.

Hang in there, you're doing great!!

That had paragraphs......stupid app!

Also the formula packets are a bit rubbish for info. I can't remember what it is but there's some.amount of formula per kg of body weight which is more accurate than the boxes. You can Google it but DS has way more than the packet suggests and he isn't over weight. She might just be a snacker!

It's hard OP and your distress is clear in your post. Want to give you a big hug! I'm not an expert and it's a while since I had babies, but I would say apart from the small feeds, it sounds fairly normal for her age - in fact some have worse sleep patterns, if you can believe it!

I'd see the HV/GP about the amount she's feeding, to check if there's a physical issue that means she can't take in much at once. But many babies are miserable and fussy up until about 3 months, so fingers crossed it all improves then. (Then expect regressions at around 4 months and possiby later!)

There is also how you're feeling and that is a lot to do with your exaustion and lack of support - and I know how horribly hard that is. Let yourself off for not being able to get anything done, and make sure when DH is looking after her, just sleep (or sometimes have a nice bath etc). Your HV may be able to recommend a group where you can meet other parents and might make friends, but I know that's also hard when you're so tired and can't get out of the house. More importantly, talk to GP and HV about how overwhelmed you feel.

It won't help much right now for me to say it does get better, but it does - and possibly quite soon. (((hug)))

Oh and you're not rubbish at this, not at all. You love her and just want her to be happy, and that's what she needs - you're doing everything right, tending to her, feeding her, being there for her, paying attention to her needs, holding her and interacting with her – this is not a woolly hippy thing to say, but actual scientific fact that this is what babies ned to grow and develop properly in the early months.

Please don't listen to anyone who says you need to impose a nap routine or feeding routine on her. You'll eventually settle into routines that work for her (you already are) but responding to her needs is much more important. And please don't be intimidated by anyone who seems to be on top of it all - anyone who appears to be acing it probably has granny on hand, a much easier baby, or they're putting on a show. It is a hard, hard, hard time and you are doing well

My third son was like this.
I missed out one milk feed and just offered water. It might help with not pooping too.
Apologies if this is bad outdated advice but it worked for me.

Thank you so much for your replies.

I really don’t expect her to be sleeping through or anything yet, I have no problem with the night feeds to be honest as she takes them with no fuss and usually she will go straight back to sleep.

It’s actually just the days that are draining me. The constant battles with the feeds and naps. I can’t make bottles quick enough for her, you’d think she was being starved the way she gets worked up, and then she barely takes anything! Repeat x 10 during the day. Then I can spend up to an hour at a time trying to get her to sleep, only for her to wake up really quickly. One time she napped for 3 minutes!

We are signed up for a class starting in November. I had signed up for another one that would have started weeks ago but she was literally screaming all day at that stage so we didn’t go as I couldn’t face it. But hopefully this one in November will help me feel better, even just talking to other adults would help. I feel very isolated most of the time.

My HV is absolutely useless. The first thing she said when she walked into my house at the 10 day visit was ‘it’s much too tidy here for a house with a newborn’..in a really judgemental sort of way..at that stage she was sleeping most of the time and we were both at home so I don’t know what she expected? Her nappies smeared all over the walls or something? She also gave me conflicting advice to the midwives and my GP a few times and they turned out to be right so I don’t trust her to help much.

As you have said, maybe this is just normal for this age. I really hope it gets easier soon, for her and me. It’s not nice seeing her upset most of the time and feeling like you can’t settle your own baby. I don’t actually rate routines much, except at bedtime, as I’d like her to be flexible enough for going out and if things need to change etc but this is just all a bit too all over the place for everyone

Routines aren't likely to be in place by this stage- you're doing pretty well to get her down to sleep like you do! My son was still cluster feeding until 2am at the same age.

Small babies do take a lot of adjustment to the world. Google the fourth trimester. You need to buy convenience food (healthy as possible!) or stuff you can take out and heat up from the freezer. And lots of snacks to keep to hand. Try not to stress it about routines.

Like other PPs have said; focus on connecting with and cuddling your daughter. Maybe get her assessed for tongue tie to see if she has a feeding problem. Are you burping her plenty after her feeds? Is she still gaining weight? Try and take her to get weighed every 2 weeks to see how she is gaining as that should reassure you she's getting enough milk; also keep an eye on how many wet nappies she's doing a day.

You're doing great. It is a very isolating time so I do recommend trying to get out and about every day, assuming you're physically able to do so and don't have any birth injuries. Just wrap you both up warm and have a nice walk in the pram, go to a local coffee shop or the park; even if she cries then you will clear your head. And see if you have any baby groups, library rhyme times etc near you, it's never too early to get out and meet other mums (have you downloaded Mush? That's a great app). Don't recommend signing up for paid classes at that stage apart from baby massage (you can often get local authority sponsored cheaper courses) as that can be really helpful with bonding and helping a windy baby.

Good luck

Is she on a formula to help with the colic? We had to switch to the comfort formula meaning he poo's now every day and is a lot more settled.
I also had the same problem with day time napping. Eventually I figured out that he will only sleep if lying flat (so in my arms or the buggy is out of the question) and I have to hold his dummy in until he falls asleep. Then because he isn't on me it's easier to sneak away when I think he's asleep.
I agree with you not bringing her up to the bedroom to nap in the day time so that she won't get confused between day and night. I do this and my 3 and a half month old now sleeps 9 til 7 at night.
He has a very loose routine. With my older child he had routine from the minute he was born feeding every four hours, this time it just hasn't worked out that way. At first I thought the lack of routine was unusual but most people are telling me it's normal not to be in a routine when they're so young anyway.
My baby is only a few weeks ahead of yours but yes it does get easier

Might be that she’s sometimes screaming through over tiredness rather than hunger. My son refused to nap for more than 20 minutes at this age, it drove me mad. I used the sling to get him to nap for longer periods to help with over tiredness. Also rocking to sleep in the Pram (Maclaren always worked better for me than a bassinet Pram for sleeping) and then rocking back to sleep as soon as he moved at the 20 minute mark also helped get the naps longer. It will get better soon, after the 3 month mark things tend to calm down a bit.

Hey. I stumbled across your post randomly and I thought I would reply to you.
Firstly I just want to say, keep up the amazing hard work you are doing for your baby. As others have said, you are doing a fantastic job and I send you a really warm hug and a hot cup of tea!
The reason I felt I wanted to reply is because I remember posting a message just like this on a mums online forum when my daughter was a baby. She is now 7! I also have a son who is 4.
I suffered in silence with post natal depression, my daughter had terrible reflux/heartburn issues and my son was constipated as a baby.
So the reason I'm replying is; if I could go back in time and tell myself anything, it would be to just stop worrying! Stop worrying about how many feeds they are or are not having. What routine they are or are not following. I felt my life would be miserable and stuck in this fuzz forever. I wondered if I'd ever get a nights sleep again!
I can tell you, you will get a good nights sleep again!
I look back to those days now and they feel a distant happy memory, like it was another life! My 2 are both now at school and amazing independent individuals. My daughter even gets up and helps herself to breakfast in the mornings, helping my son out too.
So I want to tell you that it honestly does get easier, I promise!!
Enjoy your baby. I used to hate it when people told me that and how fast they grow up blah blah. But it's only now I can see what they mean. A time will come soon, like me, where there are no more pushchairs, nappies, naps, milk feeds. And your sat at the kitchen table in the evenings instead doing homework, spellings, reading!
Please seek help from your doctor if you're feeling low or depressed. Try and get out in the fresh air and socialise at baby groups, you dont have to feel alone. Also I would really recommend finding someone to give you a break from time to time, just so you can nip to the shop on your own or get a nap in. (Hopefully you have someone around who could). Just keep up the fantastic work, because one day you will blink and like me, be replying to someone elses post, but in another pair of shoes :-) xxx

P.s I hope that didn't come across patronising. I've just seen you have noone around to help, sorry to hear that. As you can more sleep you'll be sure to have more energy to venture out the house more. I remember with my daughter it was her heartburn/reflux that kept waking her up in naps, she'd wake up with a fright and just scream. She went on liquid ranitidine to help. Could you ask your gp about that? Hope you're feeling more yourself very soon :-)

Have you tried using a teat with a larger hole?