Am I failure?

[motherrunner]

Morning all,

Did post on chat but didn’t have a reply.

My son has started Yr 1 and is really struggling.

(Backstory: has had first assessment for ASD, referred to occupational therapy. Occupational therapy won’t run sessions with him until he has had a year at school participating in Cool Kids. No-one at school to run it so for over a year we have been backwards and forwards in trying to get help.)

Yesterday we had a meeting with his teacher and she said she is struggling to cope with his behaviours. He is shouting out random words/phrases, makes noises, won’t sit and more frighteningly has begun to slap children. She said she doesn’t think any of this is malicious, just that he like a bottle of pop and she can see him ready to explode.

She called us in to ask us for strategies to cope with his behaviour. We are aware his behaviour is worse in the afternoon as by that point he’s been in school since 7.30 (when he is dropped off by breakfast club) and he doesn’t really eat (never has, first reason why we were referred to OH). I didn’t know what to suggest - last year we tried immediate rewards, behaviour monitoring, time out, having playtimes taken away but nothing works. It’s like he just can’t help behaving this way.

I feel like an utter failure. DH and I are full time teachers. I feel like I’m always putting other children’s needs before he need of my own child. I rush my children to school for 7.30, pick them up at 5.45, then it’s ‘read me your book’ often whilst I am marking or planning myself so I never feel I give them my all. Are DH and I to blame for his behaviour as working parents?

Writing this during my PPA, trying to concentrate on a million one tasks whilst trying to stop myself from crying. Just feel at a complete loss.

How can I stop being a failure?

OP, not even sure how to start. You're speaking so badly of yourself. Stop that. You are NOT a failure and never say that again. You are both working parents, doing the very best for your child and you're teachers. He will grow up in a educated environment. He's so lucky.

Surely it's the teacher who isn't coping, not you. They've called you in, because they are struggling. This isn't their fault - they are obviously ill-equipped to meet his needs, and your son's diagnosis and therefore pathway to additional support is being held up by the lack of the "Cool Kids". You're not failing, you're being failed.

If it helps at all, I feel much the same today. DD is also struggling with the move to year 1 generally, although there are no specific additional needs that we're aware of. She's getting very upset every night and every time I make a suggestion as to how we could make things easier for her, she gets upset and sometimes ends up shouting at me. I also feel as though this must be due to something I've done or not done, although I have no idea what. I don't have any answers, I'm afraid, but just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

you are not a failure because you are a working parent! Stop this nonsense. It's a big change for your kid and the teacher sounds like she is very good and looking at strategies. It's early days so be kind to yourself.

Thank you all. Didn’t sleep well last night replaying her conversation and felt so guilty and sad for my son. He wants to do well and is so eager to please. I just don’t know how to make him behave in class - that feels such a cop out writing it!

Have they got anything in place to help him? It sounds as though he is finding the whole set-up overwhelming, he is being failed but not by you. He (and you) are being failed by the system.

Ok there are a couple of things to unpick here:

Occupational therapy won’t run sessions with him until he has had a year at school participating in Cool Kids. No-one at school to run it so for over a year we have been backwards and forwards in trying to get help.

Not ok - either the school or OT NEEDS to come up with a solution. It is unacceptable to hang in limbo like this. Write an email to both and set this out. A compromise needs to be made somewhere. If the school has noone to run it and it is a medical need, then they need to find someone Do not be put off by funding excuses for training or recruiting There are funds they can apply to.

It’s like he just can’t help behaving this way.

He can't. All behaviour is communication. HE is behaving this way to fulfil some sort of need. Possibly sensory - have yu asked for a sensory diet and these things to be implemented? Have they got the autism outreach team in to make suggestions? They are the professionals in their setting. What works at home can be discussed, but may not work. Similarly the other way around. It is a different environment at school - you may say well he hides all day in a tent at home and is no bother - that is a solution - but it won't work at school! So they need to come up with something that caters for HIM in THEIR environment. He is entitled to an education (and so are the other children he is disturbing)

Are DH and I to blame for his behaviour as working parents?

Stop this! it is absolutely not your fault AT ALL! Your child has SN - it hits us all in different ways and there is no point going over what-ifs such as what if I didn't work etc. All it will do is drive you mad and cause depression.

Lastly, She said she doesn’t think any of this is malicious, just that he like a bottle of pop and she can see him ready to explode. THis is good as it seems like she is willing to work with you and him to sort this. And that she understands. The value of a teacher that understands cannot be underestimated!

OP, I don't think you are a failure at all. It does sound as though the long days may be a contributing factor to his behaviour issues, though.

Is there any possibility of alternative arrangements such as a childminder, other family help, picking him up earlier (even if that means doing some of your own school work later at night)? 7.45 to 5.45 is a long day for anyone, but especially for a child with additional needs. Or, in the longer term, reducing your own hours?

What strategies has the teacher put in place?
I would hope for things like fiddle toys for long periods of listening time. Visual prompts using symbols to let him know when it is ok to speak or when he needs to listen. Now/next boards and visual timetables to manage his anxiety levels. Social stories for the slapping.

There's lots more but this would be the minimum (I teach ASD children)

You’re not a failure. It strikes me that none of the strategies being tried are standard ones for children with ASD. Have they tried:
Visual timetable
Sensory diet
Messy play if doesn’t like feel of food
Limiting carpet time to joining for just the last 5 minutes and having another activity for the rest of any carpet time.
Ensuring classroom isn’t too noisy (look at what sources of noise there are or removing him during these times).
Having break cards which he can use at any time to go to a quiet safe place (typically a tent/sensory room/learning mentor’s space/library

Cross posts with the above posters, but looks like we are all in agreement. Teacher sounds in dire need of some training (and would welcome it). Print this off and ask her to read it www.autism.org.uk/professionals/teachers/classroom.aspx

You’ve been failed - my dd is like this when she’s overwhelmed, we’ve seen OT, they’ve assessed her classroom and we’ve had therapy sessions, we waited 4 months. You need to look at escalation procedures for help - local councillor etc. Post on SN chat for better guidance.

Don’t OT usually recommend the class based adjustments? It’s outrageous they haven’t seen him and assessed. Mine have been wonderful as otherwise we’d be in the same boat.

I hate to say it but I’m not working because my dc get much worse with long days and changes to routine but there are other adjustments - child minder as someone suggested.

Teaching is so tough when your own children have extra needs. I hope your own work are sympathetic and understand you need to prioritise getting into your son’s school and pushing them for as much support as possible.

I eventually got my school to allow me to work flexible hours so I could do more drop offs and pick ups because I decided permanent over tiredness was responsible for a lot of the behaviour struggles my kids were having. It changed everything. A tough decision and I know not everyone can do it but whether it’s a childminder, part time or au pair, I do think having them home more really does help if you can.

Thank you all for the guidance. I’ll try and acknowledge each one but on phone so difficult it to scroll back.

In terms of reducing hours I can’t. My mother is in a care home and DH and I pay her fees. Also reason why he is in wraparound - we have no family. Other parents have passed. No childminders will do school runs to that primary school, there is a larger primary school about 2 miles away and they attach themselves to that.

His reception teacher was amazing and put in provisions for him to have sensory breaks but she had extra TA support. His current teacher has 1 and obviously needed in class. His teacher admitted there is no funding - I know that myself from teaching - that’s why I want the ‘label’, to ensure that provision. Unfortunately no one agency wants to take responsibility. The doctor we saw for his assessment doesn’t think he was autism, just heighten sensitivity so that’s OT. OT say his needs can be managed through this school programme. School say there is no-one to run it although DH looked into their finances and they did have funding for it last year although didn’t run it. We’re just going to have to be PITA aren’t we?

Hope that didn’t come across as me being pessimistic and fatalist about the situation! I’m a secondary school teacher so my timetable is inflexible until next academic year. I can approach the subject of flexible working next the summer term.

There’s no return to not kicking up a stink when your dc’s needs are being let down - OT need to step up and ge the adjustments in place. It’s a familiar enough story - extra funding in p1 fails to translate up the school and meanwhile the delays in professionals assessing means you haven’t got the diagnosis in place.

Poor you, what a tough situation with your DM in a care home too.

Sorry - I’m in Scotland so p1 is our first year!

This is one of those situations where you need to be the pushy parent. It is not acceptable to be passed from pillar to post. I really feel for you.

1. Schools don’t have a lot of money but some of these strategies actually v little except some prep time. A visual timetable or sensory activity box (suitable to be done independently) for example. I know this is hard without extra TAs but I have had to do it. It is possible.

2. On the OT programme, it’s unacceptable for them to make him wait a year and it’s unacceptable for school to receive funding but fail to deliver it.

You need to get hard ball on this. You don’t have to be rude but you do have to be serious. It’s so SO hard as a teacher to kick up a fuss because you naturally relate/sympathise with your fellow teachers, but they aren’t doing the minimum for your son and it’s not good enough. Send the SENCO an email and CC the headteacher.

@PEkithelp you are absolutely right re seeing the situation from a teacher’s point of view rather than as a parent. I like the tips for the visual timetable. His teacher did say he was constantly asking ‘when is break? When is dinner? When is it club?’ Obviously he has no concept of time.

On a positive note DH called the centre where DS had his initial appointment and we have an appointment for a telephone conversation Monday so can update the doctor and hopefully push things along.