To feel like I can’t take much more

[outherealone]

This is a bit of a self pity rant but I feel like I need to offload tonight.
I have chronic pain. I’ve had pain since my teens and am now nearing fifty and my condition has worsened. I’m a single mum and working. when my condition is at its worst I struggle to even stand up. each day is a chore. Sometimes unbearable.
I have to wear my hair in a bun most days as I don’t even have the strength to brush it.
I’m often unwashed for days, using copious amounts of deodorant and I sometimes don’t do laundry for months, buting the kids new socks and pants. I occasionally outsource washing but it costs a fortune!
I have so many odd jobs around the home which I’m quite capable of doing but anything extra added to my day just knackers me out.
I often take the kids for food at our local pub or buy them sandwiches and ready meals or takeaway as cooking is such a chore and I can’t afford any of those things.
I can’t come to terms with what’s happened to my body. I can’t lose weight. I used to be slim and run and active and now to put one door in front of the other hurts. I feel physically and mentally heavy. I really don’t want to carry on but I have to as a responsible mum.
I struggle to share this in real life as I present as well and capable. When I do share it with people I feel like I’m one of those dire and boring complainers and I feel judged because there are periods where I’m very active and capable and people comment sometimes snidely about how my disability doesn’t hold me back from things I enjoy but it really does hold me back and people only see me when I’m capable of going out or when I have no choice because of work and children.
My kids’ dad has them fifty fifty and I have no other support as no family nearby and friends are lovely but nobody’s in a position to offer practical help. I pay for a cleaner which I can’t really afford but it gives us a better quality of life but I struggle to cook and to play with my kids or have any energy for anything other than work.
I have fatigue issues too and sleep problems which all exacerbate everything else. My medication dopes me up completely and I have weight issues which are hormonal, age related but also attributable to the various drugs I’ve used for pain and mood management over the years.
It impacts on all my friendships and relationships and makes work really difficult. Despite having a partner (longish distance) I feel completely alone.
I’m having therapy for trauma (ptsd from an accumulation of stuff) and we are going to start looking at how I can come to terms with this as at the moment I’m hating myself and my body that I don’t recognise and can’t do anything to change. Today has been the worst in a long time, I just keep thinking if this is it I don’t want to be here as ageing is just making everything worse. I would never kill myself or even try to because of my children but I also don’t know how to carry on anymore.
Thank you if you got that and thank you for joining my pity party!

The 50/50 is different every week due to his shift work. Tbh it’s another stressor but not one I can change!
@Sobeyondthehills thank you for sharing and well done for doing it every day. It’s fucking hard. I’m drugged up to the eyeballs but can’t sleep and have work in the morning plus social engagement tomorrow eve. Massive hugs back, I just desperately want some tlc, hugs and a fairy godmother. Or even a regular mother. I have anxiety too it’s huge st the moment and I just want someone to take it all away.
Thank you for the advice @snowqu33n I will call doc again today. Our surgery is massively staffed by locus, I’ve never met my own gp and every time I request any form of treatment they tell me I have to see my own doctor. I’ve had so many wasted appointments where I’ve left feeling upset and unheard. I find it really hard to assert myself in the face of their apparent disinterest and mistrust. It’s soul destroying!

Hey @Zoflorabore! Yes let’s buddy up. Sounds like you’re in a very similar sitch to me, sending hugs and solidarity to you and to all our fellow pain warriors on this post!

If you fu fed it hard to advocate for yourself take in a note with bullet points. Do you have access to Occupational Health or employee referrals? It's worth speaking to them incase they can help

Have you asked your ex for help? It's in the best interests of the kids to have beds changed, get caught up on laundry etc.

Sorry if my earlier post came across as just more nagging advice when you area bit overwhelmed. It’s because your post struck a chord with me and I feel a bit cross on your behalf that you are not getting the support you need, especially at the doctors.
Your situation is incredibly hard and you deserve a lot of praise and credit for keeping going with work and supporting your kids.
I bet you are a great mum.

Thank you @snowqu33n I try my best . You didn’t come across as nagging at all! I really appreciate it, I’m so stuck and hopeless atm.
@RainbowsAndGlitterAndUnicorns yes a note is worth a try! I have found occ health extremely unhelpful so far but I’m plugging away with that in the background, it’s hard to find time and energy to address everything.

outherealone

I steer clear of the flu jab because it makes me so ill, with flu.

Can I recommend Melatonin for sleep.

The stuff the drs give on prescription in this country doesn’t do anything. I get my stash from when Dp travels to the US but I think you can get it from an online pharmacy.

It is the only way I get to sleep at night. (Menopausal insomnia)

I have 10mg capsules. They are the ones you can pull apart and the powder is in side.

I take about 1/2-3/4 of one each night.

It is the only way I can function.

Should say I love the hot weather.

In Spain I can run and jump and go jogging.

In the UK I can barely get up from a chair without being in agony

Can you go and get a second opinion.

My second opinion identified I had slipped discs that I had been walking around with for 7 years and not that I needed a new hip

If it is anything to do with arthritis is there any chance on moving to Spain permanently or for the winter months.

It was a revelation for me how pain free I am in a hot country.

I wonder if there could be more going on than simply the painful condition. I was diagnosed with arthritis in my early 40s. I got very low, the pain got worse and worse, I put on weight, was constantly exhausted and would come home from work and go straight to bed a lot of the time.

Then, in my early 50s, I saw a locum who asked about my family medical history. When I mentioned that my mother and an aunt had hypothyroidism, he ran some bloods which showed that I had it too. After a few days of being on thyroxine, I felt like a different person. I had energy, my mood was much improved and my pain levels were markedly better. The weight didn't fall off, but I stopped piling it on. (Now I've got shot of my abusive ex, I'm off the anti-depressants as well!)

I sometimes think that once one condition that could be the cause of all someone's symptoms has been identified, doctors sometimes stop looking at other possibilities because they think they've cracked it.

I really do feel for you. I could barely cope, and I didn't have kids that needed my attention. You're in a very tough place.

@LakieLady I keep thinking there MUST be more to it but they’re adamant that every weird and debilitating symptom is related to fibro now, after years of saying there’s nothing wrong at all! I’m so confused and frustrated!

@Oliversmumsarmy I’m always better in warm climate too, glad you’ve found a solution. In my dreams I’d live abroad but unable to for many reasons! I will research the melatonin. I used to use it then read some negative stuff about its impact on mood so stopped using it! I find it all so confusing !

All I know about Melatonin is without it my mood is awful because I am so tired