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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP being passive aggressive because I'm not in the mood. AIBU to say this is childish?

16 replies

Numberblocks · 02/10/2019 23:26

DP has been strongly hinting he'd like to have sex tonight, by hinting I mean randomly groping me between the legs as I'm sat on the sofa watching a documentary.

I'm not in the mood because I'm tired from getting little sleep and need to be up early so i don't reciprocate the advances. I just wanted to finish the documentary and go to sleep.

When it becomes apparent I'm not in the mood he goes and turns my documentary off to put his games console on, despite me telling him I'm watching it.

"You're tired" he says

Yes, I am. We have a 2yr old and a 6 month old baby so he's hardly a martyr.

I tend to pick my battles wisely and cannot be arsed to get into an argument, but am I being reasonable to think that's fucking rude and childish just because I don't fancy it.

OP posts:
RueCambon · 02/10/2019 23:29

You are not being unreasonable.

That kind of selfish entitlement is a turn off.

What you say about picking your battles wisely makes me think he's generally unaware of your rights and needs and probably very aware of all of his own needs.

I used to have to pick my battles carefully as well.

Chocmallows · 02/10/2019 23:37

YANBU

Have you asked him directly why he won't listen and leave you alone and why he is being PA?

The best way to stop passive aggression if the person doesn't realise that they are doing it is to call it out.

On the other hand, if you have to keep quiet and cannot ask questions (or as you say pick your battles) you are being controlled.

Original poster
Numberblocks · 02/10/2019 23:37

I have come to bed seething. I want to tell him in no uncertain terms he doesn't get sex just because he feels like it, its a mutual thing for goodness sake. I know if I say that he will resort to his usual "You're not interested in me anymore are you" self pity party

We have had sex since our youngest was born but I've been reluctant to repeat it because I have 'damage' inside from the birth (which also contributes to my lack of sex drive if im honest)

To be fair to him, he doesn't pressurise me (which is the least I can expect really isn't it) but it's very clear he's getting frustrated with the lack of sexual contact when in reality it's the last thing on my mind at the moment.

Very traumatic birth, I was very poorly and then developed birth injuries to boot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Numberblocks · 02/10/2019 23:39

I did call him out on it, I said "you know that's very rude. I told you I was watching that" to which he replied "You're tired"

I then said "I know exactly what this is about" and just came to bed, not wanting to sit there arguing with the grumpy arse.

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 02/10/2019 23:40

He is pressuring you with passive agressiveness!

If he wants to have sex and you don't he can help himself out. You need time to heal.

pepsirolla · 02/10/2019 23:43

Is this how it was when you first met? How he "courted you" old term I know Hmm maybe remind him that a little romance might help rather than his current methods! Go and have a nice bath then bed. He is being childish so ignore and concentrate on yourself Flowers

TheKarateKitty · 02/10/2019 23:50

No, he is being pushy. You’re not in the mood. He should respect that. Grabbing you like that (does he really think that’s sexy?) then pouting by turning off your documentary for his game.

You’re not in the mood, you’re not in the mood. It does make it worse that he doesn’t care you’re tired and you’re injured.

“Resort to his usual.” Oh, so he’s in the habit of this selfishness and expectation of access to your body whenever he wants?

SherbetSaucer · 02/10/2019 23:55

It would be better to nip it in the bud as soon as he starts creeping. Clearly say ‘it’s not going to happen tonight’!

WTFdidwedo · 02/10/2019 23:58

www.refinery29.com/en-gb/2017/06/161785/couple-sex-after-baby-issue give him this to read then tell him to fuck off.

OldAndWornOut · 03/10/2019 00:00

I don't know how or why some men think this kind of behaviour is going to help them achieve anything.

You'd think it would sink in, eventually, that it doesn't work.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/10/2019 00:00

He is pressurising you to have sex.

gettingbynotgettingby · 03/10/2019 00:12

He doesn’t deserve or demand access to your body and he doesn’t get to rewrite your narrative. And physically changing what you are doing to suit him but telling you he’s doing it for your own good as he knows your mood and motivation better than you do? Massive childish manipulation and self entitlement. You deserve better.

PickedByYou · 03/10/2019 00:18

He sounds horrible. That was a nasty thing for him to have done.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 03/10/2019 00:26

YANBU. He needs to understand that you had major medical stuff down there. Would he be feeling quite so up for it if his cock had been cut open, stretched wide, and stitched back together again? He's dismissing what you went through.

PapayaCoconut · 03/10/2019 00:31

Is your DP Donald Trump?

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2019 00:38

I'd have got up and put my programme back on.

The only thing I'd be tired of is being treated like that.

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