AIBU to not really want my ds involved in this

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Let me start with the fact that my Ex is an absolute arsehole. That doesn’t even cover it. While we were together and my ds was 2 he had an affair and a baby. I didn’t find out until the baby was 6 months old. The woman he had the baby with is mentally unstable and involved in all sorts of shit. She came to the house once when we weren’t there and smashed stuff up and my ex told me it was him cos I didn’t know about her yet. I obviously broke up with him when I found out. As far as I knew he stopped seeing the baby cos the woman wouldn’t let him. Now he barely ever saw my son who is now almost 9. Probably saw him 2 or 3 times a year which has improved a bit to once a month ds always chooses if he wants to go or not. So my ex is now out of the blue saying the mum lost custody and he wants to have custody of her. And he wants my Ds to meet her. AIBU in thinking it’s not really fair to drop that bombshell on him. He hardly even sees his dad and now all of a sudden he’ll have this sister? And what if he meets her a couple of times and then My ex doesn’t have her anymore or something along those lines. I really don’t know what’s right here!

Have you asked your DS if he's interested in meeting his half sister?
It's a massive mess and I can totally understand why you'd be reluctant. I'd maybe insist on seeing some stability in your ex's relationship with his other child and for stability to continue with his contact with your son for a set period of time before you considering doing anything he wants.

@MySonIsAlsoNamedBort his dad called and asked him before even speaking to me about it. He was on loud speaker when he did it. When he got off the phone I asked and ds just shrugged. That’s a very good starting point

I think I would be open to them meeting. Neither of them have anything to be ashamed of and you might find that an initial meeting will help them to forge - or not - a relationship if your ex lets either of them down again. But it will be their choice as siblings rather than as children that share a parent.

My cousins (oldest two are only six weeks apart) have nothing to do with their shared father (very long story) but they have a great relationship (two oldest even live together), even though he didn’t tell them that the oldest DD existed until they were in their teens.

What makes him think he’ll get custody? He’s never made a genuine attempt to be a father to this child. Maybe the woman has relatives that have a relationship with the child and she’d be better going to them. The poor wee mite. I can understand why you’re reluctant to let them meet, but your son will probably want to meet when they’re older. Gosh, I don’t know what I’d do, tbh. Sorry OP.

If the mother is unstable, and social services are involved she’s lost the child it’s very likely the father could get custody. They aren’t going to place a child in foster care when they have a willing parent and rightly so!

The baby is your ds, sister you don’t have to like it but it’s a fact. Of course he should meet her. You talk to him beforehand about the fact he has a sister and the first meet is short

It’s a really tricky one. I’m worried about so much. Especially her possibly showing up at his house while he’s got her dd and doing something stupid in an attempt to get her back or something. I’m going to go with @MySonIsAlsoNamedBort and see how the next few months go. Then re-evaluate the situation