AIBU to worry about my mental health...

[ruminatorB]

Posting here for traffic as mental health thread only got one reply.

Anxiety / stress / regret / rumination / negative thinking / depression / perfectionism? I don't know what my problem is all together and even if there is a problem but I feel I can't carry on feeling like this. I talked briefly face to face to an acquaintance and she even suggested possible undiagnosed ADHD? (Maybe partly because he was diagnosed with this as an adult too.)

I need some advice about whether what I'm experiencing over the past few months, maybe even years, is normal or something to worry about and get help with.

What is a normal level of anxiety / stress / rumination / regret / perfectionism / constant thoughts in my head? I seem to struggle with all of these daily.

I work (part time) alone at home (kids go to childcare) and am never very busy so have plenty of time (too much!) to think / go over and over things / regret and ruminate... I hate it.

I procrastinate with what I want to do and my to do list hardly changes.

Use social media and my smart phone too much when I bored or as a refuge from my kids when I'm stressed. Really trying to improve this.

Struggle to concentrate. Difficulty staying asleep - most nights I wake around 4am and can't get properly back to sleep after. End up worrying / regretting so many things as I lie there.

My nailbiting has been a lifelong habit but returns at a vengeance at times.

I had perfectionism therapy (over the phone with an NHS counsellor and worksheets) about a year ago, about 10 sessions in all. I was referred for this as had sought grief counselling for the traumatic loss of my mum 3 years ago because of the loss itself and also because the bereavement raised other family issues which were stressful. Not sure the counselling has helped me long term though.

Feel snappy and am shouty with my kids (1 x pre-schooler and 1 x lower primary) more than I would like.

Struggle with decision making in general. Ruminate / research all eventualities and then once decided often feel sick and then regret / ruminate endlessly or even reverse decision. Have never had any idea what my 'heart' or 'gut' says.

Am finding that my PMS is getting worse (I'm 42) and a week before my period I am beyond irrational and so tired and unhappy.

Feel like I am grieving my kids growing up and want to enjoy them more and be more mindful with them. Worry they won't be close to me and DH or each other when they're older. (I'm close to my Dad and was to my mum, less so my sibling. DH isn't especially close to either or his parents or his siblings.) Want to freeze time and always have them in my life.

Also struggling with me and hubby's decision to have no further children. It's right for us overall to stop at 2 for so many reasons (not least my mental health maybe?) but I feel a huge grief and anxiety too, and like I'm depriving my existing children of something, even if there always has to be a 'last' baby / youngest however many you have. Previous pregnancy loss and infertility are all in the mix too. Do most people feel sad even when they know it's the right decision? Is it maybe my age at play too and my body doing what is natural and saying try for one more baby....

Constantly compare me and my life to others. Envy the extended family holidays / grandparents doing childcare / wider family close by that others seem to enjoy. We don't have these.

Feel overwhelmed with 'stuff' (mainly kids toys and my own clothes) yet can't get motivated to clear it as worry about landfill / can't summon energy to sell it all. I've read Mari Kondo to no avail.

Sorry for ramble. I know I've posted some things that link to each other and others that seem to contradict too.... Just want to stop feeling like this and be more present / mindful / carefree / happy. The Holy Grail?

Do I have to live like this? Can I get help, and if so where?
My eldest child who is 8 is already starting to show signs of anxiety - bites and picks his nails, fidgets lots etc. I don't want to pass my anxieties to him.

I would also describe my hubby as anxious and a worrier too albeit in a different way and about different things. Really want to sort us both out.

Thanks for reading.

YANBU. I think how you’re feeling is fairly common but not something to put up with, you do deserve better. I don’t have any answers but I relate to some of what you’re struggling with. I had 8 counselling sessions last year and although it wasn’t life changing, it helped me get through the overwhelmed & stuck feeling. Since then I’ve come to realise looking after my mental health is a daily chore- I need to do certain things regularly to reduce the overthinking and ruminating. Probably sounds cliche but for me- a walk alone outside, yoga, 10-15 mins meditation, relatively tidy house, little alcohol all help. Of course with small children & a husband who works away this doesn’t always happen but I try and prioritise it even when I really don’t feel like it.
Procrastination is something I really struggle with and I often spend too much time on my smartphone when I’m procrastinating. The last two months I’ve been using a daily journaling method to try and tackle this habit and I have seen a big improvement. I follow the holistic psychologist on Instagram and she has a ‘future self journal’ method for changing patterns and habits. The key is starting small, picking one habit and committing 30 days to trying to change it, not trying to overhaul your whole life.
Regarding your sadness over no more babies, I think maybe it’s ok to allow yourself just feel that and respect your need to grieve.
I know a lot of above sounds a bit hippy-ish, just some things that are helping me, but no quick fix. Of course sometimes meds, CBT etc are needed and maybe your GP could advise more. Best of luck OP 💐

Thanks Mugsy.
The idea of one small change at a time appeals as I also feel regularly overwhelmed... I'll look into journaling too as maybe getting stuff out of my head and onto paper will help.
Thanks for replying.

OP - you sound totally overwhelmed with so many different issues in your head. It sounds tough. It’s impossible to tell in a post if you feel like this because of an accumulation of life events and situations or if there is something underlying it - like ADHD. So keep an open mind. Trying to change one thing at a time is a good idea. But it’s not going to be easy, otherwise you wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.
You will have to be prepared to get some help in any case (either overwhelmed etc or ADHD). But bear in mind that if you do think you have ADHD then you can face a lot of cynicism from folk, including doctors and even psychologists. It’s worth doing your research first so that you are armed with information before speaking to your GP for example.
But I can recommend placing some basic certainties in your life first - like a proper family calendar, a weekly food and shopping plan and a family timetable/schedule. This will help provide you with a basic level of order and routine from which you can try to work things out. If you can’t manage to even do this then you should speak to a professional for some support/therapy/assessment.
Good luck! There is an ordered life ahead!

Blimey, OP - are you sure you’re not me?! You just described my internal dialogue, even to the point of wondering whether I have undiagnosed ADHD.

I don’t think there’s an easy answer to this and everyone’s case is different, but I do believe it is possible to feel, and cope, much better than you do at the moment. Have you talked to your GP about how you feel?

I've just welled up
So much of your post describes me.
So much!!!!
It's nice knowing I'm not alone but wouldn't wish this on anyone!

I'm actually paying for counselling and I'm making lots of improvements
She's a specialist and helping me to literally re wire my brain!

No advice as I'm a mess but I hear ya x

Thanks all.

What kind of counselling are you having thespellhasbeenbroken123 ?

I've not been to the GP about this all yet but will make an appt.

The practical tips from Worsethingshappen are appreciated.

puzzledobserver - I'm also glad to hear I'm not alone.

I get how you feel. I was diagnosed with Autism in my 30s (a few years ago). My life has always felt chaotic. I never had control over things. I missed memos, changes to timetables, struggled with exams. It was only seeing a MN thread about how ASD in adult females that I realised why! I got assessed (long wait!) and finally understand why I am like I am. There’s no magic cure for me, but knowing, understanding, getting reasonable adjustments have all helped.

I do Team TOMM (The organised Mum method) for cleaning and tidying the house. It’s a routine of doing a room per day Monday to Friday doing 30 minutes.It’s taken a few months to make it habit and feel on top of things but it’s really helped me take control.