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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be over this yet?

21 replies

whatisthismess · 02/10/2019 11:29

Was with a guy for literally 8 weeks, 8 weeks!!

Was all very intense but there were some definite red flags and I broke up with him.

It has now been 10 weeks since we broke up and I still think about him all day, every day and miss him so so much. Rationally, I know the relationship wasn't right for me and I could never go back but when will this pass? It doesn't seem to be getting any better and I think about reaching out to him everyday but I know he wouldn't respond.

AIBU to not be over this by now? Is something wrong with me?

OP posts:

NoSauce · 02/10/2019 11:45

What were the red flags?

messolini9 · 02/10/2019 11:51

Well done you for breaking up with him.

As there were such obvious red flags so early on, it's likely he was love-bombing you (you said it was "intense").
That's hard to forget, & the rush of chemicals that this intensity stimulated in your body is hard to get past - the early stages of a relationship/love affair are ridiculously addictive!

So no, there is nothing wrong with you - you just have a love-bomb hangover. Hold on to the red flags, & if you start weakening, read some fo the threads here started by women trapped in coerciove relationships ... you have dodged a bullet, be happy about it, congratulate yourself on your 'potentially abusive twat radar" & keep looking forward!

potpie33 · 02/10/2019 11:55

If it helps... apparantly focus on you, on what you like doing, on your interests etc. so you dont have time to think about him. agree with messolini9, actually. suspect have had same crap pulled on me , so can say with absolute conviction, go out wth your mates, go swimming, take up poker, whatever keeps you absorbed...and write down the red flags to remind yourself of them!

Witchinaditch · 02/10/2019 11:57

You sound very strong for not ignoring the red flags, be kind to yourself the time you spent together meant something to you and there is no timeline for getting over things, you will feel better eventually. Good luck!

Original poster

whatisthismess · 02/10/2019 13:01

@NoSauce red flags were...cancelling on me a lot, going in huffs if say for instance I told him I was just having a day chilling in the house then ended up being invited for lunch with my friends and let him know, he wouldn't talk to me for days, would ignore me and make me pay for not "doing as I said" in his words, tight with money, would make "jokes" that were nasty and putting me down, wasn't allowed male friends as "they all want to shag you" in his words, selfish in bed and was pretty sure he had porn addiction.

I agree he was definitely love bombing me, he told me he loved me after 3rd date, had never met anyone like me, was going to be there for me always, so comfortable with me etc.

I thought I felt the same and now I just worry what if he was the one and I let him go? I feel sick to my stomach about it most days.

I have friends and hobbies and I am busy day to day but he is always in the back of my mind. I feel that everything I'm doing to get better is to impress him.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 02/10/2019 13:05

Well from what you've written I really hope he wasn't the one. How shitty would that be for you?

Piffle11 · 02/10/2019 13:10

Jeez … those red flags: thank goodness you ended it! If he was like that after 8 weeks, imagine what he'd be like after 8 months, or 8 years!! My ex was like that, but it only kicked in after we'd been together for a while, and were living together (he'd always been a bit insecure and paranoid, but it increased to scary levels). My life was miserable, cut off from my friends (he saw to that) and almost my family. My DSis actually ended up with someone a bit like this, too: met online, very intense, great 'connection' (apparently), amazing sex … and he was a fucking psycho. Luckily he also showed his hand early, and she got out … but she did falter a couple of times. The thing is, you are focusing on the great stuff, and not on the bad … and the bad WILL get so much worse. The problem with a new relationship that's intense is that it's easy to get caught up in the drama: it's passionate, fiery, it's all 'I only say these things because I want you so much/scared of losing you' etc, etc - but it's bollocks. Maybe you think he'll calm down once he realises he can trust you - he won't. And he'll never trust you. Maybe you think you can help him get over his issues - you can't. Maybe you think you're the woman to make him happy - you're not. He'll never be happy. He's a controlling, nasty person, and you really must stop daydreaming about the sort of man you hoped he was/think he could be, and wake up to the reality that he's a controlling bully of a man.

NoSauce · 02/10/2019 13:13

Yep you’ve swerved a horror there OP.

I can’t imagine why you’re pining for him but we’re all different I guess.

Breathe a sigh of relief and move on.

incognito76 · 02/10/2019 13:14

He was a total cunt and he didn’t love you. You did the right thing.

Your feelings after the break-up are probably more driven by your disappointment and sadness that someone you had high hopes for turned out to be a piece of shit, not by the notion that this clearly vile wanker was somehow right for you. It’s just getting mixed up in your head.

user1474894224 · 02/10/2019 13:14

I think you miss the idea of being in a couple - rather than him per se. So keep busy. Keep focused on building a happy fulfilled future. Up your hobbies. Go to the gym more. Focus on being the best you you can be. You may (probably will) meet someone else in time.....but for the moment you won't have time to look back with rose tinted specs. You deserve someone better who really values you. Treat yourself like a princess and don't accept anyone who treats you any less.

messolini9 · 02/10/2019 13:28

now I just worry what if he was the one and I let him go?

Come on now OP, you KNOW he isn't "the one".
You are well shot of someone who wouldn't talk to me for days, would ignore me and make me pay for not "doing as I said" in his words, tight with money, would make "jokes" that were nasty and putting me down, wasn't allowed male friends as "they all want to shag you" in his words, selfish in bed and was pretty sure he had porn addiction.

He is a nightmare. Keep thinking on that, not the feelings you are missing.

JacquesHammer · 02/10/2019 13:29

There’s no such thing as “the one”. It’s an outdated concept.

You weren’t prepared to settle - I think you’re to be applauded. It will get better.

AudacityOfHope · 02/10/2019 13:32

You think 'the one' was an abusive prick with a porn addiction?

That's so obviously not the case. Hold on to the grip you got when you dumped him, and don't let go.

AmIThough · 02/10/2019 13:41

He played his hand too early with the abusive, controlling stuff. You had a lucky escape. He wasn't the one.

NoSauce · 02/10/2019 13:47

Your bar is on the floor if you think he was the one.

Bumfuzzled · 02/10/2019 13:54

Ooh he sounds like a bad one! Good on you for getting out so quickly.

Because of the way he treated you you are probably missing the highs the intense love bombing gave you and the relief you no doubt felt when he started being nice after him not talking to you. Rollercoaster relationships last far too long because of the highs. You need to remember the lows and be so pleased you don’t have to put up with him any more.

Crunchymum · 02/10/2019 13:57

Fucking hell OP.

Ohyesiam · 02/10/2019 14:04

Well done in ending it . He would’ve given you nothing but grief and heartache. Find a therapist who does inner child work. The part of us that carries on loving a destructive person or thing is a wounded child, feelings from long long ago and never aged.
It’s a very effective way to end the feeling of craving him, and to make sure they won’t arise again with anyone else.

cacklingmags · 02/10/2019 14:04

He is a disgusting narcissist and he has got into your head (its what narcs do). It takes time and work to get them out again but it will happen. The best way forward is not to ruminate. Stay strong - you have really done well so far.

CarlsRightEye · 04/10/2019 06:05

Oh don't worry, I feel the same about someone I was seeing for a month 🤣 we spoke for a good month or so before that though! He had a lot of red flags too, but in different ways! But I can't help being gutted it didn't work out! We are funny creatures!

Lifeisabeach09 · 04/10/2019 10:18

You need a new guy in your life (at least temporarily.) Start dating again--it should help you move on.

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