Sanity down the drain.. looking for advice

[nedwobyak]

I'm new here so hello all. It's taken quite a bit of courage to do this if I'm honest...
Well this is likely to be a very long story but without the back history it's pointless me asking for opinions or advice. I'll try and keep it as short as possible. And I thank any of you in advance for a) taking the time to read and b) any words of wisdom or advice you can offer

So I'm a single mum of 3, dd aged 20 has her own home since this year. Ds1 just turned 18, and Ds2 aged 11. Dad left the family home around 10 years ago and I have never had a partner since.
We have recently moved to a smaller property due to dd moving out (cheaper rent, smaller for me to manage as I have disabilities, and nearer amenities and school for ds2.
Right here's the long bit ds1 has always been difficult.... Since he was about 3 years old he's been angry, violent, and abusive. When he started school he wa referred to camhs who had him on their books for 8 years or so but did absolutely nothing, no diagnosis, no support offered.. Nada.
This behaviour got worse as he got older but he also has a tendency to be very jekyll and Hyde (at home be thoroughly evil, but elsewhere be pleasant as punch) and this continues to this day.
In the past he has assaulted me, threatened me, verbally abused me, psychologically damaged me and controlled every aspect of my life. He's threatened me with weopans, thrown hot cups of tea at me and all sorts and despite asking for help from children's services I was told I was doing a fantastic job of dealing with him and little help was offered.
Over the years the violent outbursts became less, but the verbal and psychological abuse worsened. I was physically abused by a sibling as a child and if I ever said anything to him about his behaviour he would say things like no wonder she used to best you, you deserved it, you're a psycho, you're toxic and you don't deserve to have a family etc. Then it would be things like.. No wonder dad left, no man in their right mind wants to be with you, I can see why he hit you and cheated on you. My own father left my mother when I was 17 and he tells me that was my fault too.
Now this isn't me blowing my own trumpet or making out I'm Mary Poppins but I can genuinely say I am one of the most caring soft hearted people who would do anything for anyone. I hate conflict, and I do my best to be the nicest person I can be. I've sacrificed my life for my children and have provided for and loved them unconditionally single handedly for the best part of 20 years.
He makes me believe these things and I am now in a place where I hate myself. I doubt my own judgement all the time and don't know who I am anymore.
He bunked secondary school all the time, started a college course and bunked that and would never get a job or contribute. He's lazy and sleeps all day and is awake all night keeping the rest of the house awake. There were some weeks I was surving on as little as 1hr sleep a day. He would go out of an evening and I'd ask on school night because of ds2 he was home by 11pm. Weekends he could do what he wanted. But he would stroll in the door at 2/3am and wake everyone. He'd leave a mess everywhere and would never clean up after himself. He would also smear faeces around the bath and leave it for me to clean (this still happens) he steals people's stuff and helps himself to whatever regardless of who it belongs to.
Anyway after years and years of his horrible nasty behaviour towards me, his siblings and my own mother I have been offered no support at all. Last December he assaulted me and I reported it to the police because I needed an end to it. We didn't see him all over Xmas or new year and he'd made a life with his gf and her family and I kind of felt relief that he'd moved on.
In January he came back and told me his gf was pregnant and he just manipulated his way back into our home (even though he hadn't fully moved out) he uses sob so tries to make people feel sorry for him and like a fool because Iove him regardless I fall for it every time. And took him back in.
Well, because his sister moved out I spoke to him about moving to a smaller property and asked him if he needed a room or was going elsewhere... He said yes he required a room still so I found a place big enough for me ds1 and ds2.
We've only been here 8 weeks and he's spent 6 nights here. Of those 6 nights he has absolutely trashed the house with mess, left faeces in the bath, woken me through the night on every occasion and not been very pleasant at all. He's messaged several times saying I'll be home at such and such a time so I put him up a dinner and he never shows with no explanation or anything. Then when I do see him and politely say look pls message in future if your not going to be back because I am wasting food and money etc, and he just gets abusive or refuses to talk to me.
The baby has been born now and I told him baby and gf could stay 2 nights with him preferably Fri and Sat so it doesn't disturb ds2 sleeping on school nights. We'll they've stayed twice and they are lazy they sleep all day and leave me to sort baby.. I cook food they don't even wash up or clean their mess. It was his birthday not long ago and they left mess all in the lounge and promised to clean it up in morning but they slept through til 1pm in the afternoon and because I had workmen coming out at 8am I had to get on and do it myself. I then found mountains of sick in the bathroom which took over an hour to clean.
Anyway, skip a little further forward...
Sobthe reason I ask him to spend a certain amount of nights at home is because I took the property specifically so we had space for all and I am on full benefits at the moment because of being out of work temporarily through a newly aqquired disability and I also fractured my pelvis which has changed my mobility. I cannot claim the full amount I am supposed to because its reduced as I have a non dependant registered as living here... But ultimately he's not living here (only when it suits him) he also contributes nothing to the household. He has recently started a job and said he will contribute when he starts getting paid, but I know darn well mineybwill be withheld if I don't let him get his own way etc, it's another avenue to manipulate and control.

Anyway yesterday I tried making him aware of the ful situation and it got very heated. He won't talk to me about anything and just does what he wants when he wants and I am getting so annoyed with it. He woke me twice early hours of Monday morning at 3am when he came in and at 6am when he went for a bath and I later found faeces all over the place in there. It's making life a misery and I can't go on and I've told him this.
He got very verbal and angry yesterday when I confronted him about it all. And I asked for his door key and told him not to come back. I am sick of living in fear never being able to say anything or lay any house rules and generally being dictated to by an 18 year old. It's making my 11 year old miserable too. Well anyway yesterday he told me I was disgusting and he threatened me twice, tried physically taking my phone off me when I told him I was going to call the police and verbally abused me. He then told me I was to stay away from him and "his" family otherwise he would get me "sorted out"
I am now sat here today feeling like I'm the bad guy, feeling guilty that I asked him to leave but I have had an absolute gutful of it and I cannot stand the thought of spending any more of my life living like this. I have endured 15 years of this and am at the end of my tether. What would others do in this situation? I potentially want him to live elsewhere for the safety and sanity of myself and ds2. But also I feel terribly guilty throwing him out ... Please help

Fucking he'll op. I really feel for you. If I were you I'd change the locks and cut him off. He's making your life miserable. Don't put up with the abuse. Smearing shit round the bath? Who the fuck does that?

Seriously change the locks and block his number. Tell the benefits people he's moved out and call the police every time he threatens or abuses you or tries to hurt you.

He needs to pay for what he's done

Actually I think he needs to be sectioned. Is the baby safe in their care?

I have had an absolute gutful of it and I cannot stand the thought of spending any more of my life living like this. I have endured 15 years of this and am at the end of my tether.

And I don't blame you one bit. You do not deserve to be living in fear of your son, and you do not deserve to be treated with the lack of humanity, never mind the lack of respect, that he shows to you. It sounds to me as if there were improvements when you put a boundary in place, so perhaps now is the time to stick to your guns. I wonder, if he leaves the home, what will you miss about having him there?

Clearly you have tried and tried to support your son, but his behaviour is damaging you and so, in my view, saving yourself is the right thing to do: you are important, OP

You absolutely must throw him out, no ifs or buts you have to draw very firm boundaries and keep him away from you.

The shit smearing in particular is very disturbing, get him out and then stonewall him, do not engage with him.

Change the locks. You've done more than enough. He and his GF will take as much as you give and then some. Unless you want to be raising this baby stand firm. Please don't back track. It's not fair on your younger child aside from anything else.

If he despises you so much he will be happier elsewhere surely!

This is shocking....get him out he's an adult and this is abuse seriously locks changed everything for your other child's sake as well. It's hard when it's your child but he's 18 and an adult now you don't need it.

It's a pity you weren't able to access the support he clearly needed as a child but it's too late now. You need to put him out and keep him out. Keep in contact if you/he wants but meet in public. No more letting him into your home.

He needs to hit his rock bottom to find away out of this vile vile behaviour.

He would have been our of his ear as soon as the first faeces episode had happened. I’m shocked.

Change the locks. Tell the council.

Give him fair warning to come and collect his stuff.

Log ALL the abuse and report it every time to the police.

I cannot imagine the heart break this is causing you. But it must all stop. Today.

I feel terribly guilty throwing him out

Please stop feeling guilty right now. He sounds like an atrocious little wanker and you have done your absolutely best for him over the years.

He also sounds like he has serious mental health issues - smearing shit around the bath? WTF? But this is no excuse for him acting like an arsehole and physically and emotionally abusing you.

Change the locks. Report him to the police every time. Stand your ground. Your DD2 needs you to protect her from him.

With the shit smearing he is pushing the boundaries and trying to get you to tolerate behaviour which is completely and utterly shocking disgusting and unbelievable
From what you have said he escalates very quickly, you must shut him down.
He needs help but you are not the person to do it, clearly you are both extremely triggering for each other, you must put as much distance between you as possible so that things can calm down.

You are not the bad guy.
You are allowed to put yourself & small DS first - in fact, for the sake of both of your mental health, & your physical safety, you must do.
I am so sorry you have been left so long without support. What you are managing is intolerable.

Please go to the police & report the history - including the shocking things like faeces smearing - along with the most recent events eg taking your phone so you cannot call police, threats of violence. You MUST get this recorded & get a case number from the police.
That done, you can apply for a non-molestation order.
Tragic as this is, your son is feeding off the abuse you suffered with your own sibling & his father, & giving you more of the same.
It's time for you to protect yourself from any further unpleasantness, & ensure small DS is also protected. You are going to have to show big DS that he can no longer abuse you, & that police & legal system are behind you to prevent him from behaving to outrageously to you.

Big DS obviously has huge problems.
You have to now accept that they are not YOUR problems, & that you will tolerate no more of it.

My goodness, I’m so sorry, OP. I can’t imagine how you’ve coped with this for so long, you sound like an amazing mother who’s done her very best.

Please don’t feel guilty! He’s your son but you’ve tried everything you can, and I think especially now he’s a father with his own child to think about, you really need to focus on yourself and making a happy home for your DS.

Even aside from the physical and mental abuse, you absolutely shouldn’t be having to struggle to support the household because he’s decided he no longer wishes to live there full time.

I feel you’ve done the right thing here. He obviously had somewhere else to go with his GF so you’ve not left him homeless!

Please do think about changing the locks so you know you’re safe, and letting the council know you no longer have a resident non-dependant so you can be getting the money you deserve.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, you sound like an incredible mum. It’s just time to put the two of you at home first now 🙂

Sorry OP, I missed out the most important part! - he MUST leave your home, you must change the locks, & inform the benefits people that he no longer lives with you.

You are coping with an intolerable situation, he has you under siege so that you barely know which way is up.
His behaviour towards you has been absolutely despicable, he has no right to call your house his home and I'm sure he is well aware that in 'living there but not living there' he's making you suffer financially.
He pretty much has his foot on your neck, you must get him out and protect yourself.

He has to leave OP. Let him go and live with his girlfriend. You have to wonder about her too if she puts up with a man like this. Yo may want to keep an eye from a distance because of the baby and refer them to social services as goodness knows how rearing a child is going to go with them.

Thankyou. I know what I need to do, my head tells me that.. But the heart says different.
If I was outside looking in on another family in the same situation I'd be telling them to run for the hills and not look back.
Trouble is i do think he has severe mental health problems and want to get him the help for that. But I can't help him if he won't help himself.
He's very clever, everyone says how intelligent and well educated he is... But ultimately he's not. He's learned to use an alter ego as a get out of jail card almost because no one ever believes how abusive he can be. I have lost friendships over it. I've gone crying to people after he's done something and because he acts like a Saint around them and can't do enough to please no one ever sees it for what it is and ultimately he makes out to people I'm going madbor lying. I feel trapped in a box on a different planet sometimes.
He tells his gfs family and his other friends all sorts of untruths about me and I feel like I'm spending my life justifying I'm not those things and I really shouldn't have to do that.
I know I shouldn't care what others think about me but whan what they think is so far from the truth I can't sit back letting people believe I'm a bully when I'm the one being ripped apart....
Its hard to explain what I mean.
I've made my decision that he needs to go elsewhere and he needs to change his ways before I can even begin to try and have a relationship with him.
I've been to southern domestic abuse and asked for mediation and counselling for both of us through them he avoided them like the plague.
Last year he was put under a conditional youth caution for the assault on me and his brother {which was to include mediation and support through YOT} but never attended his sessions and was allowed to walk away from that with no consequences even though it was considered a breach.
I've been to Mind the mental health charity and asked them for help they've offered him support but he refuses. It's as if he won't let anyone in because he's scared they'll see the real him when he's spent so many years keeping up this alter ego of self grandiose type thing
Ita horrible to admit you feel a sense of relief when he's not around but genuinely I do and I know what's right to do it's just having the strength to commit to it and not be manipulated into doing the opposite because of my softness.

You have a tough road ahead (and you're already had a really tough time with him) but your heart and your head are both in the right place.

You cannot help him which he is living under your roof and abusing you. Sincerely wishing you all the help and support you have so clearly been asking for. Please keep posting on here if it helps to support YOU.

With regards to the girlfriend he's only been with her a year, in that time they've had a baby. But he's also had charges bought against him for assault and harassment to her. He's made fake accounts spying in her every move. Pretended to be female and Contacted her ex boyfriend to find out info and stuff because he was convinced she was cheating... Even sent indecent images of a girl so it looked more believable!!!!
Hes stalked her house and everything. She avoided him for several weeks earlier on in the relationship because of this but he's slowly been able to manipulate his way back in and since the babies been born he's acting like the world's best father around them yet still behaving like Satan around me. I am deeply concerned and worried and did make my worries known regarding baby to YOT who then spoke to ss and midwife apparently. This goes far deeper than any of what I've explained. Really it does. As awful as this sounds when I look from the outside looking in I see the traits of a serial killer and I feel bad for saying that because he's my son

Ultimately you have to make a choice here, if you continue to engage with him he will destroy you and then he will climb over your body and destroy the next person that he can manipulate.
He is clever highly manipulative highly cunning, malign.
his sense of self-esteem is derived from his ability to manipulate and control other people that's why he doesn't want to engage with therapy.
he clings onto you because he knows that you (as his mother) are the person who is most vulnerable to his manipulations

Thankyou all for your comments, it's just confirming what I knew and I thank you all so very much for listening and taking the time to respond.
It's hard being mum in this situation because that need/want to nurture is always going to be there regardless of how awful someone treats you.
I'm a soft character anyway and easily taken advantage of and I need to take my mums advice and harden up otherwise everyman and his dog will continue to treat me like rubbish.
It's horrible I want to be a nice person that helps everyone and can remedy everything but you cant always do that especially when it's so detrimental to your own wellbeing.
My only hope is that the abuse and manipulation doesn't carry forth into his relationship or with baby if I'm no longer the person it's being subjected on. I am very fearful of this. But as it stands I think it's obvious he needs to move on, move out and learn the hard way that mum isn't going to be a bullied doormat forever.
Honestly fro. The bottom of my heart thank you all for listening and taking the time to respond. You have no idea how hearing it from people that aren't directly involved has helped xxx
Blessings sent to all x

I’m so glad to hear you’re starting to come to terms with this a little more, OP. Of course you’ll always want to protect and help him, and should that opportunity ever arise where he is ready to accept his behaviour has been awful and he can recognise he needs help, it’s clear you’d be there in a heartbeat, and you still can be. It’s just not that time right now.

If you do have genuine concerns about the baby, I would consider contacting ss directly yourself. It might feel like a betrayal, but far better that than regretting not having done so should anything happen.

With no father in the house he's the 'role model' for your younger DS. For this reason alone he needs to go. Does he see his DF?

It's hard being mum in this situation because that need/want to nurture is always going to be there regardless of how awful someone treats you
it is tortuously hard, but the time where a mother's nurturing can help has long passed, that ship has sailed, if you remain in proximity to each other you will only both become more damaged.
You must stand up to him, draw a line and hold to that line

The kids all have the same dad and he moved away when he remarried a few years ago they do all see him but not very often, maybe once every 3 months for a very short period of time. Dad has never really been an involved dad even when we were together. We were together 12/13 years and it wasn't the greatest relationship in the world.
I do see ds1's behaviour rubbing off on ds2 sometimes and need to get that nipped in the bud. Ds1 has also never liked ds2 and has been quite resentful of him since birth which is sad.... Ds2 is a very loving child with a good temperament too.
It's all a horrid mess and I wish it wasn't this way :(

This absolutely comes under putting your own life jacket on before you can help anyone else OP, you're no good to any of your kids if you let him drag you under. He may get to a place later in life where he's ready to deal with his issues, and if you're mentally strong at that point you may be able to help him but for now you need to protect yourself from further damage and try to heal and you can only do that away from him.

The guilt will remain and if you can get some help managing that, counselling/therapy then you absolutely should but otherwise all you can do is steel yourself against it and plough on as best you can. Getting yourself as well and strong as you can has to be your goal now, for yourself and all your DC, including DS1. You can't help him anymore right now, but you will want to be ready and able if/when he's ready to address his issues. I think you must be made of steel to have come this far but you're clearly finally at your limit and you have to save yourself now