Feeling pushed out and treated differently at work following miscarriage

[Daisyzxcv]

Hi

I posted this before but for some reason I cannot see it anymore on my app! So apologies if you've already answered this... Any opinion/advice welcome :)

Hi all! Just a thought going through my mind at the moment and would like some opinions? I work in a small office, with another woman. We both have given birth about 6 months apart from each other recently. She went on maternity leave before me and she was thrown a little goodbye cake-coffee gathering for the whole company to give their well wishes and send her off and it was so lovely. She also got a card organised with collection and gift of approximately £60. And then the team all went out for a lunch time meal, and my boss even went as far as paying for her meal. A few months later I was ready to go on maternity. My last day, my boss comes into the office and says "sorry we haven't organised anything and we haven't got you a card. Maybe we can do something when the baby comes" I didn't really know what to say.. and also, nothing ever happened after I have birth. Also I had an absolutely terrible time with lots of time in NICU and still.. nothing. AIBU to be a bit hurt by this? They've not even contacted me or anything to see how I am. They don't really treat me with respect and have dumbed me down so much I've lost all confidence... It seems they pushed me out of meetings etc since I miscarried previously and had to have time off. Me and this other woman practically do the same job but they've managed to swing it so that I get paid around two grades less and won't budge. I know I sound stupid for even staying there but I have no other work and like I said they've dumbed me down so much I just don't feel confident anymore.

I've always made an effort at work, taking over when other colleagues have been off and that even meant taking on a higher role which they failed to pay me for. And even went as far as baking cakes, organising decorations for weddings/birthdays etc. I'm not entirely sure what I've done wrong but I feel really hurt and nothing I do seems to change it. I'd love to leave but I'm on maternity and would need to pay back the mat pay as well as the hours being good for childcare ATM so I feel pretty much stuck here until my kids are a bit older. How can I make it not such a misery?

Perhaps you need to have a frank discussion with your manager about how you're regarded at work, perhaps focusing more on your taking on responsibilities that were not acknowledged. Otherwise I think you will have to decide whether the convenience of the job and the financial considerations outweigh being treated with respect.

I think the lesson to take from this is that people are shit.

The only reason the other woman got anything was because you sorted it, presumably?
When you go back, do your work and nothing more.
Be professional.
Don't bother being friendly or helpful or taking on any additional work.

Then, look for a new job.

Sorry you've been treated this way, but fuck them. These people aren't your friends.

I concur with working to rule when you go back. And no more fucking baking!

Then leave as soon as you won’t be liable to pay back the mat allowance.

Who organised her gifts?

Personally I refuse to take on things like baking, organising baby gifts etc. Mainly because I am asked because I am 1 of 2 female directors. I started doing it when I was a new team leader at a different company and asked to organise baby gifts for someone I hardly knew. I just pointed out that I hardly knew her and just said 'why you asking me and not Andy who knows her well'.

I do take turns. So in my part of the office there is 4 women and 3 men. I will make a brew when it's my turn. But I have always made sure the men do.

If its Macmillan coffee morning, I make sure the team have split what we are doing evenly. So many women jump in and tell men not to worry. Enrages me.

I suspect this isnt to do with your MC. I suspect it's about how they view your sometimes being super helpful and kind makes people view you as someone who doesnt really matter. I have seen it happen to women loads of time. Men, not so much.

I agree with Butchyrestingface

That's horrible!

I had something like that happen (not leaving for maternity leave but leaving the company). Everyone always got a card and a gift and I got nothing... People who worked there a couple of months got a card and no one bothered with mine.

I was really upset but I'm so glad I don't work there anymore. I think you should keep it civil and try to find another job. It doesn't seem like they're nice people and you can't change that.

I hope it all works out for you. And congratulations on your baby!

Ensure you have a job description that sets out what your role is and do that job. If you are being paid a couple of grades less then it should reflect the difference.

If the pays ok and the hours good for childcare then just do your job and focus on the family rather than the job until such time as you don't have to take childcare into account.

Don't do the collections etc and don't fret about it. If it mattered someone would do it (it doesn't have to be you). Tilltheendoftheline mentioned things like MacMillan and 'getting the men to do their bit' unfortunately most men would simply let things go. If someone wants a MacMillan type event they organise it.

Basically find out what they say is your job (especially why its different from your colleagues) do it, take the money, ignore the rest and when convenient move on.

Work to rule whilst looking for other jobs then leave. Some people are just inconsiderate and vile. You won't change them.

@IAmThough thanks for your advice - I try to steer clear of organising things lately so I only partly helped with her leaving arrangements. I think you're right though, just keeping it professional.

@Xsavanah I'm sorry it happened to you as well.. it really doesn't make sense! It's not the gifts etc it's just the lack of effort and thoughtlessness in it. And thanks for the congrats :)

@BigFatLiar I've tried with the job description, it's so hard because they're both so vague I don't know how but they managed to worm their way around it so that there's nothing I can do. Apparently the other colleague had more responsibility but it's not particularly true as we all pretty much do the same thing.. with the manager taking responsibility of some of the things she should do really.

Thanks to everyone for your advice and input, it really is appreciated and I feel better knowing it's not just me being silly. What's worse is that this woman was my bridesmaid

baking cakes, organising decorations for weddings/birthdays etc

Bugger that! They don't appreciate you doing it, they don't reciprocate so just stop. Do your work as well as you can but don't do anything extra. And start looking for another job in the meantime.

Sorry, they sound really petty and shit.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy thank you, it's been going on for too long really and this probably was the last straw to make me realise that they are not nice people. Absolutely dreading going back to be honest... Already emotional thinking about it. At least it's not forever and I can leave once I've repaid my maternity leave pay back. Just can't understand it at all and how they can't see how blatant they are with it. I've worked there for 8 years.