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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cuddle or not to cuddle (lighthearted)

29 replies

coffeeagogo · 02/10/2019 06:34

It is unreasonable to want to be cuddled to sleep at night? DH and I have different sleep styles - one likes to be cuddled or cuddling to sleep, the other likes to have a quick cuddle and then roll over and sleep not touching. The cuddler thinks the non-cuddler is unreasonable - the non-cuddler just thinks it’s the way it is - who (if anyone) is unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeeagogo · 02/10/2019 20:23

Bump - does no one else have this incompatibility?

OP posts:
Pipanchew2 · 02/10/2019 20:29

I vaguely remember this being an issue with DH - just that he liked to cuddle but made me too hot. Ten years later and with two small kids we’re both spark out the minute our heads hit the pillows so less of an issue!

TowerRavenSeven · 02/10/2019 20:32

My dh would love to be cuddled to sleep but while sleeping he clenches his hands and I’ve had major bruising because of it. He does it in his sleep and it totally unaware (not sure if he really even believes me he’s so unaware) but it really hurts!

So we do not fall asleep cuddling, and tough for him. I think you have to go with the one not being cuddled because it’s not invasive. By the way we had spent many nights together previous to getting married and no clenching whatsoever! It started on the honeymoon when he fell asleep with his hand on my boob and I woke up to it being squeezed! That was 20 years ago but imagine my horror! I didn’t know what to think!

FfsDs · 02/10/2019 20:32

I couldn't go to sleep with someone holding onto me.

I need space.

Surely a pre sleep cuddle is a compromise.

WonderTweek · 02/10/2019 20:33

Haha. We have this. When we were younger we used to spoon most nights, but over the years my husband wants more space whereas I have become clingier. Blush I get really hot to touch at night so I don't think my husband is being unreasonable. We have reached a compromise by having a quick cuddle and then I touch his leg with my foot. Grin

ShinyMe · 02/10/2019 20:34

The only person I want to cuddle as I got to sleep is the cat.

I can't be doing with touchy feely sleeping otherwise. Before, yes. As you wake up, yes. But I like to sleep flat on my front, spread out and free.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 02/10/2019 20:35

Good God no, we've got a super king for a reason, give me space and let me sleep. I don't want a boiling hot dead weight laying all over me, breathing/snoring in my ear. I actually love my husband and we get on very well, but just no.
Also see above for overly familiar colleagues, friends and acquaintances who want to hug me all of the time, get off. P

ShinyMe · 02/10/2019 20:35

Oh yes, I get really really hot in bed too, I forgot how horrible that makes cuddling.

FizzyPink · 02/10/2019 20:36

I will admit I am extremely needy and need to be touched at all times if we are together.
The last 2 guys I’ve dated have not been cuddlers at all, I cannot tell you how happy I am DP loves nothing more than cuddling up on the sofa all evening and then spooning me to sleep. I even rolled over this morning while on my phone and he subconsciously in his sleep fit himself back around me Grin

OakElmAsh · 02/10/2019 20:37

Anyone trying to cuddle or otherwise touch me when I want to sleep would find themselves very quickly chucked out to the spare room I'm afraid 😂

userabcname · 02/10/2019 20:38

Well neither of you are unreasonable, you're just different. Personally I cannot abide being cuddled to sleep - I get too hot and prefer to sleep on my back so the whole spooning thing doesn't work for me. Luckily DH is the same.

adaline · 02/10/2019 20:39

I love cuddles but not in the night - a pre-bed cuddle is our compromise!

Justabadwife · 02/10/2019 20:40

DH gets cuddled for all of 3 minutes before I get annoyed and turn around.
Through the night I apparantly cuddle him, usually by throwing my arm in the air and half bear hugging him. I didnt believe him, until the other day when I did that, but he wasnt there and my arm bounced and woke myself up 😂😬
I like being cuddled, but not for too long, I get too hot.

Mummyilovejokes1 · 02/10/2019 20:42

I like a quick cuddle/spoon then we turn around and i cuddle/spoon him as i like the space to spread out my legs etc, he would happily cuddle/sprawl over me all night but i am a lone sleeper and get irritable with him being so close. Its a conversation we had to have when we got together. We have a super king bed and it keeps me sane! What we do now works for both of us as we found a good balance, plus as someone else said 12 years later and 2 kids we are both pretty exhausted.

AloeVeraLynn · 02/10/2019 20:43

No gross. I can't stand needy affection. Have a goodnight cuddle and go to sleep. My DH is a lot more into cuddles than me but I'm not dealing with it when I'm trying to sleep. Middle child is extremely cuddly and normal sneaks into our bed to cuddle her dad. We have a big enough bed for me to roll away from both of them. Win win in my opinion.

KylieKoKo · 02/10/2019 20:43

We get into bed and cuddle. Dp falls asleep instantly. I prise him off me and move away from him so I can go to sleep.

CopperTrolley · 02/10/2019 20:44

You need the hug and roll Grin

Mummyilovejokes1 · 02/10/2019 20:44

That should say i only cuddle/spoon him for a short while before claiming my side of the bed back

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 02/10/2019 20:45

No way I could sleep with someone cuddling me, luckily DH is the same.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2019 20:48

The non cuddly one wins this. You can refuse to be touched but not force someone to touch you.

DH would get very short shrift from me if he tried clinging to me in bed except for when I'm cold obviously.

Letsdoanamechangeagain · 02/10/2019 20:48

You need the Ross "hug and roll" technique

SimonJT · 02/10/2019 20:51

I’m currently half trapped under a sleeping cuddler, unless it’s a hot day I’m up for sleeping cuddles.

Shoxfordian · 02/10/2019 20:53

We don't sleep in the same bed but when we do, it's a quick cuddle then don't touch me.

Original poster
coffeeagogo · 02/10/2019 20:56

Oh good I knew I wasn't BU! I just showed him the hug and roll and we are cackling away in the sofa - am going to try that tonight and see if I can flip him out of bed like Janice! (He's 6'5 and 16 stone so I don't fancy my chances...)

I like a pre-sleep cuddle and I will even cuddle him sometimes till he falls asleep but he is one of those jumpy sleepers so when he's drifting off he sort of has a spasm and it wakes me up again! God knows how we've made it 18 years....

OP posts:
MaryPopppins · 02/10/2019 21:06

Thankfully DH and I both want to be separate for actual sleep.

Someone always ends up with the dud arm of you try and sleep cuddle.

We often cuddle until one of us is dozing off. Then we'll say goodnight and kiss and turn our backs on each other. Grin

Sounds kind of unromantic when I put it that way. But works for us and we tend to cuddle again in the morning too before getting up.