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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My ex lies to her family about who is to blame for our break-up

22 replies

aberdeen83 · 01/10/2019 21:31

My ex and I have separated, with the divorce going through the courts and just about finalised. We have two daughters who we share custody of. My ex has lied to her family about me being to blame for our marriage break-up. She accuses me of being an angry person, but asked why I was only like that with her and not my family of friends.
During our marriage, my ex would drink a lot and had a drinking problem which she admitted to and had planned to go to AA to get help. She decided not to go to AA and chose to ignore her drinking problem and not tell her family or friends. She would constantly lie to me and would come back from the pub, when I was at home looking after our children and be abusive. She once lied about being beaten up by men at the pub and once lied about being raped one time she walked home from the pub.
She also has covered for her brother who had a seizure and chose not to report his seizure to the doctors or the DVLA. He then went to France to drive a bus, transporting passengers between the airport and a ski resort.

I am being unreasonable to be bitter towards her and wanting the truth to come out to her parents?

OP posts:
Original poster
aberdeen83 · 02/10/2019 21:37

My ex continues to lie now and accuses me of harressment when I challenge her. I feel so despondent.

OP posts:
SpotlessMind · 02/10/2019 21:52

Everyone spins their own story when marriages break down, especially to their own friends and family - you’re spinning your version of events to us right now. The best thing you can do for yourself is just to accept that fact and rise above it. Because it actually doesn’t really matter who was to blame or what her family believes does it? All that matters is your children and keeping things as amicable as possible for their sakes - if anyone challenges you on it then don’t get into slanging matches about ‘well he did this’ ‘well she did that’, just say ‘that’s not my understanding of how things panned out’ and leave it at that

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 02/10/2019 21:56

You know what that say you get

His version
Her version
Then the truth

Two people rarely sell the same break up story to be honest

Why challenge it? It’s over who cares what her family think?

Yesivenamechanged11 · 02/10/2019 22:00

Again, sod the family's opinion, as long as the children are safe and not caught up in this that's all that matters.
As for the brother, if he did have a seizure and he's back in the UK shop him to the DVLA and/or the police, he could kill someone. Do you want that on your conscience?

foxtrottinngg · 02/10/2019 22:09

*ou know what that say you get

His version
Her version
Then the truth

Two people rarely sell the same break up story to be honest

Why challenge it? It’s over who cares what her family think?*
yep and her family probably know this

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 02/10/2019 22:18

Do you think her family don't see her drink problem? They might be ignoring it a x enabling her for a quieter life, but I highly doubt they think she is an innocent victim, hard done by.

She's their family. You're not. So they are going to lean towards giving her support, whether they feel she deserves it or not.

Move on, keep your head high and don't go looking for a fight. Although if she's an active alcoholic is she capable of looking after your children? Full custody might be something worth looking in to.

SandyY2K · 02/10/2019 22:19

These things happen when you cover up for alcoholics and abusers.

If you tell the truth later ppl question why you didn't say anything before and you come across as being bitter about the break up.

hazell42 · 02/10/2019 22:22

Oh come on. There are two sides to every story. Who the hell would tell the family, its totally my fault, with no mitigating circumstances whatsoever?
Your wife drank too much..I bet you got angry too sometimes. Even if it was just about her drinking.
When you spoke to your family did you remember to highlight every time you were tetchy with her unnecessarily?
Of course not.
And no matter what she tells them, they are her family only now. The thing about breaks ups is you lose the in laws.
Not always a bad thing
Get over yourself

katalavenete · 02/10/2019 22:22

Who did she allegedly lie about being raped to? You? Friends? Family? The police?

Greysparkles · 02/10/2019 22:30

Please don't tell me you left the children with her???

Gingerkittykat · 02/10/2019 22:37

Why are you sharing custody with a lying, criminally fraudulent and abusive alcoholic?

Original poster
aberdeen83 · 02/10/2019 23:18

katalavenete - she lied to me about being raped. I was on the verge of calling the police, but wanted more details first, especially as I had my doubts as to her liying

OP posts:
Original poster
aberdeen83 · 02/10/2019 23:20

Gingerkittykat - It is difficult without concrete proof. I have circumstantial texts, email and photos

OP posts:
Boom45 · 03/10/2019 03:24

Unless you are worried about your children's safety I think it's best to let your ex away what she likes to her family. They will know the truth I'm sure but they might be in denial or they might just rather nod and smile then argue with her about why she split with her partner.

Monty27 · 03/10/2019 03:30

Do you have friends OP?
Do have family or anyone else who can stand by you? Hmm

Original poster
aberdeen83 · 05/10/2019 00:56

Monty27 - Yes, I have family and friends who can stand by me. Although they are in London. Im in Heteford now as my ex insisted on moving to Hereford because she wanted to, despite my job being in the south, near Maidenhead. Apparently even a court may side with the mother's wishes.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 07/10/2019 03:04

Not necessarily OP. The courts see the other side these days especially when shared custody is evident

tillytrotter1 · 07/10/2019 03:23

This is MN, break ups are almost never her fault. A lot of posts regarding husbands, partners etc should be prefixed One upon a time.

JoObrien7 · 07/10/2019 03:35

@aberdeen83

I think the truth will come out without you having to tell anyone. Just make sure your daughters are safe that is all that matters. Your ex will slip up one day reveal her true colors to other people .... drunks can't hide what they are for long.

Original poster
aberdeen83 · 18/10/2019 13:56

JoObrien7 - I hope the truth comes out, but her brother is a liar as well with his dangerous driving so they cover for each other.

OP posts:
Eatingjamwithtwospoons · 18/10/2019 14:01

Report the brother to DVLA yourself. (I used to mind my own business about this kind of thing - after the Glasgow bin lorry, never again).

Ensure your children are safe - are they young enough to have a health visitor you can speak to? Or a school?

Otherwise rise above it.

Mintjulia · 18/10/2019 14:05

If you are divorcing, perhaps it would be better to let it go. Her lies no longer affect you, her family know her well enough to not be fooled and even if they take her side through family loyalty, does it matter what they think?
Can you take a deep breath & just walk away.

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