How to properly love my DH again?

[Macandcheeseplease]

Married 11 years, together 14. 2 DCs (4 and 6).

He is a hands on, excellent dad. The children adore him. He is handsome, he is a nice person and he loves me deeply.

I don't know if I love him any more.

He has had issues with gambling which nearly broke our marriage up earlier this year. As a result of this he reached out and addressed his gambling problem, attended counselling etc.

My feelings for him have changed. I don't want to break our family up, he is a great dad and our children would be better off with us staying as a family unit. If it wasn't for the kids I would probably have left him by now.

I have started to have feelings for a work colleague. To be totally clear, I would never act on this or do anything about it. But it's made me feel sad because if I stay with my husband I'm afraid I'll never feel like that about him again. If that makes sense?!

I get people have ups and downs in their marriages. I want to love him like I used to but I don't know how I do this?! Has anyone gone through something like this? How do I fall in love with him again? Or is this really the beginning of the end?

His actions must have damaged your trust in him
It's ok not to love him anymore and it's ok to divorce him

I'm not sure it is ok though. The kids would 100% be better off if we were together. I don't think I want to go through a divorce, splitting the house, breaking up the family etc.

Op, I'm in a situation which has similarities. Dh and I can no longer be 'together' (affair/lies etc). However, we are great friends, enjoy each other's company, work well as a parenting team, and our girls adore him, so like you, it's better if we stay together.
We are coparenting, and it's working fine so far. We live in the same house, all the same as before, but essentially it's just our sleeping arrangements have changed. We are both free to see other people should we wish (neither have yet, it might be hard when we get to that bit). Our children do not know, I'm not sure they really need to, maybe they'll need to if one of us starts a new relationship.

He broke your trust, put gambling before you and the DC, imperiled your finances (presumably) and you may be concerned about the reasons why he turned to gambling (not enough excitement in family life/relationship?) That's a big shock to the system and it will take sustained change from your DH for you to rebuild trust.

You could go to counselling together, if the gambling is now behind him. You could try "date nights" (even at home if no babysitter), doing things you both enjoy to try to reconnect. You could try something less intense than couples counselling such as the Marriage Course (run in churches but not religious) or a self help book on reconnecting in relationships with lots of exercises to do.

You will probably never have that blind carefree joy and faith in him again, but if you both really want to rebuild the relationship that is a good basis to start from. It will take time and sustained effort from your DH to show he is keeping to whatever rules about finacial clarity you have imposed on the relationship to guard against relapse. Things can't return to the way they were (IMHO) but you can have a good new normal.

I think the work colleague thing should be viewed as mild flirtationa nd an ego boost. Everyone wants to feel desired and to have "connection". You won't act on it but our daydreams are all are own.

Watching with interest.

These problems were earlier in the year, that's really not so long ago. It could take a fair while for you to feel anything like you did before. It sounds like he's done all the right things. These things take time. Hang on it there and see how you feel in a year would be my advice. You won't forget what he did, but you could well find it sits in the perspective of 'just' a major cock up an otherwise decent person made. xx

Arethereanyleftatall - thanks. I think I'd be ok with the set up you've got. But my husband wouldn't be. He loves me and wouldn't want to separate (even if we stayed under the same roof). It's definitely me that's feeling distant.

O

Could you have a chat with your husband. Explain how you are feeling and that you want to save your marriage, that you want to feel the way you did about him before. Then agree to counselling together and alongside counselling, find a babysitter and deliberately go out just the two of you, at least once a week. Get to know each other as individuals again. Having young kids can be a blur and you can end up seeing each other only as Mum and Dad, rather than husband and wife. I think if you really want to give it a good shot, then you both need to be on the same page and you both need to work on getting to know and love each other again as people.

You have both changed, you are both different people today from who you were when you first met. The man you loved is still there, the love is just buried under the anger, disappointment and resentment that you rightly feel because of his gambling. That’s why counselling is so important! As your dh needs to realise how his gambling has impacted on you and your marriage!

If he is seeking help like you say from counselling then he is trying to make things right, you need to forgive him we all make mistakes in life..all of us. He sounds like a good person. Of course a work college is going to appear more appealing, but he will have issues too, we tend to have rose tinted glasses on at the start of relationships but the honeymoon phase soon passes and then a new love interest will have their own baggage for you to deal with and you may end up kicking yourself. Work on your marriage, go on dates, build your trust, have wine together and watch movies, go on walks without kids.

Think about if you did break up, imagine him in live with another woman and decide if this image makes you feel happy, relieved or jealous and sad. I think it's worth fighting for

The kids will not be better off. Kids aren't stupid. You can fake it all you want but they'll know you don't love him eventually, andnespecially when he realises and starts to resent you for it too, just like you'll resent him eventually.

Stop being a martyr. If you can't figure it out, leave.

He broke your trust and that will have affected your feelings for him and completely rocked your foundations.

Only you can decide if the marriage is worth saving or not, but have you thought about couples counselling?

There's also a book that someone recommend on MN once, about saving your marriage and working on your relationship, does anyone remember what it was called??

Stop being a martyr. If you can't figure it out, leave

Don't be so bloody nasty. There's a real person behind that post, and she's hurting.

He put gambling before his children's security and happy home.

Stop calling him a good dad because he struts the strut with jolly cuddles and lovingly heating up the beans on toast.

When it really mattered and he needed to think like an adult and put them first, he didn't.

He's not a good dad and if he were a good dad or good partner you wouldn't be here feeling like this.

I think it's right to try and fix what's wrong. I believe that parents owe it to their children to give a marriage its best shot before calling it a day. Of you both do everything you can and it still doesn't work, at least you and your children will know that you did your best.
I agree that he broke your trust, which changes how you feel - that can't always be fixed. But sometimes it can and it's worth the effort. I think talking to him is the way to go and get it backed up by professional help if you can. Spend real time together, doing nice things, so you can see if what you tell in love with is still there. Daily life can be boring and couples need to remember why they are together in the first place. Especially if there have been problems.
It's early days and I actually think it's natural for love to ebb and flow a bit. You can't fairly compare the feeling to the early days of lust with someone new - a crush or early affair isn't 'real'. Eventually the novelty would wear off. Love is (to me) about attraction but also the life you made together, common goals, shared experiences. I wouldn't want to give those things up without being absolutely sure and that takes time.

I know you think it is best for the children but I don’t think so. You would be staying with him because of your children not for them. That is not best in the league no term for them. They see and know more than we realise.

In reality he is only able to top show as a good dad because of your responsibility and tolerance which you now see isn’t enough. Nor should it be.

Probably (and rightly) you feel anger. I think a professional relationship counsellor will help you with that.

In my experience of counselling it has helped; but only to crystallise - through exploration of what I wondered was “just me” - was beyond instinctive and probably completely justified. In that sense the truth set me free and helped e see someone for what they are and that it not my “fault” but the consequences are not always what we envisaged nor the scenarios that come to pass what we hoped counselling would fix.

I think unless you can preemptively accept that, then counselling can sometimes exacerbate problems. That can cause more serious damage and enable repetitive behaviour. Counselling can clarify and frame things but only you can follow through and the right thing to do for you is often the hardest.

Contrition and reparation on the part of your husband may not be enough for you. It seems that this is the case. If that’s so then you don’t have to fix yourself you have to accept it because he has probably killed a lot of your love and respect as a women and as the mother of his children.

I would try couples counselling. I'm not ashamed to say we have been when we hit a bump, and within 2 sessions we made huge progress together. We stopped after 3.

Thanka all. The recommendations to go to couples counselling are probably the right thing to do. But stophuggingme - you've hit a bit of a nerve I think - I'm worried it could make things worse! Part of me thinks I can probably just get through the next few years feeling a bit sad sometimes because I do like my husband and enjoy his company, I like spending time with him but I just feel a bit numb if I'm honest. No strong feelings either way. I don't hate him, but don't feel in love with him. Somebody asked how I would feel if he moved on with a new partner etc. Right now that doesn't make me feel jealous or annoyed, it doesn't really make me feel anything.

And I really don't want to come across as a martyr. No bloody way! Sorry if that's the case. Just looking for thoughts, advice etc.

I would look for a new job for a start. Whilst you’re having feelings for you work colleague you will continue to resent your dh and pull away from him. I’m not saying you’re right to want to stay with your dh - I’ve been married twice and I am a firm believer in leaving when you’re unhappy but from experience I know that whilst your heads been turned it won’t turn back unless you cut the new person completely out of your life.

I think it’s commendable your DH has tried to do something about his issues with gambling and hasn’t ignored them. I would give him a chance.

DC are rarely better off after divorce. If he’s a great dad and they love him, they won’t understand that you don’t. Try couples counselling and see how it goes.

I think at this moment you are trying to come to terms with what your DH did. It's is very recent and the past few months have probably been focused on your DH and him processing and coming to terms with what he did, and helping him get support. Now the dust has settled you are trying to get your mind around what he did.
The co worker (with no baggage) and instinct to end the marriage are all avoidance tactics that are distracting you from the real issue which is how you are feeling after what he did.
You need to accept this is what happened, and process how you are reacting to it. Perhaps talk to someone about it on your own.
I think from your op you have such care and love for you DH but perhaps are mourning the loss of what you thought he was. It ok to feel sad, angry, or broken by this.
Give yourself time.
Ending a marriage is life changing and final. How would you feel if he met someone else would you be ok with that? Or would you want him back?
No one is perfect and the fact he has recognised he has a problem and has sought help is a very brave step. Whether you can give him another chance is up to you.
You ask how to love him again? Try to spend time with him. Remember how you felt when you first met, the things you love about him, the memories you have together and why you married him in the first place.
Good luck with it all.

O think time is what you need as much as anything. When you are a parent, you depend so much on your co-parent to be safe and responsible - perhaps even more as a mother.

What your DH did has rocked your world - and his, too, no doubt - to its foundations. You have experienced shock, fear, rage, betrayal and disappointment, and it's only recent.

The numbness you feel is completely natural and has probably protected both of you from some things you might otherwise have done!

The stirrings you feel for a 'safe' colleague, too, are likely to be just reaching for what you used to get supplied by DH.

I think the really important thing is to wait for the numbness to pass and not rush to irreversible decisions. Just wait, steady the ship, breathe, go cautiously with DH and refrain from getting involved with any other frail, male human! They have dozens of ways of letting us down (and we them) so try not to put those idealising specs on.

Your marriage may survive; it may not. It's far too soon to know. A lot will depend on what your OH does to win back your trust and whether he can step up as the equal partner you thought you had. It will never be the same again but it could be good.