To ask do you think you can trust someone again after they’ve lied/hidden things from you?

[KeithFitt]

To clarify, DH hasn’t cheated but he did something I previously told him I wasn’t happy with and when I found out he tried to hide the evidence.
He’s promised he’ll never do it again and that he’ll be open and honest with me going forward but I’m not sure I can trust him and I don’t know how to move on from this.

Reverse the question OP...If he did it again what would you do.how would you feel then and what would happen?
I think its difficult to know what to advise really because say for example if he looked at porn and you didn;t like it but he did then would you object if he was honest about it but did it privately? My husband and I are different in nearly every way possible but just because I find it difficult to like what he does on occassion doesn't mean it is wrong for him to do it ..if you see what I mean.It all depends on what it is,why it bothers you so much.and what your red lines are really.

From bitter experience they just get better at hiding things.

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe
I’ve told him if I found out he did it again then I would ask him to leave so I could have a serious think about the future of our marriage.
It’s similar to porn but worse in my eyes and I’ve set my boundaries and he’s crossed them. I think if he’d been open about it I would have been more forgiving but the fact he lied several times and tried to hide it has made me feel deceived and hurt.

Honestly.. it depends on why they hid what they hid, and what it was.

I got in a bit of a mess with my partner near the start of our relationship, as I have anxiety, and have an absolutely crippling fear of losing people close to me. So, when I saw he was texting this girl a lot, I was scared. He showed me literally the whole conversation and there was a good reason for it, so all fine (I didn't ask to see it), but he started being really secretive with his phone.

I asked why, and he said because he knows how I react when he texts other girls (not true - only when he was texting one all the time), and he didn't want to cause me that worry. I said I appreciate the thought, but I'd rather he was just open, as that's better for me, and I'll deal with worries as and when they come. Now we just sit next to each other texting whoever we're texting, and even reply for each other sometimes etc.

I have worked on my issues and my god I know I'm not perfect, but that's just an example of why he hid things from me.

I think it takes a long, long time to rebuild broken trust and even when you think you're over it, sometimes it'll bother you again.

Do you think he'll do it again? Did he know your boundaries before he did it?

I think that if someone is a liar then they'll always be a liar. Dishonesty isn't that easy to change.

My ex told so many lies that even when he is probably telling the truth I don't know whether to believe him. Many times the lying was worse than the actual situation. If he lies about little things then how can you trust him about big things?

Yes you can rebuild trust. I have done it and have absolutely no concerns now. And this was after DH shagged an escort over five years ago. So it IS something couples can recover from. We now have two more children since then (three in total) and couldn’t be happier. I think if it wasn’t cheating you can probably forgive as long as you have lots of reassurance for a long time that it won’t happen again.

In my experience you can watch a thief but you can't watch a liar.

I hate lies. I'd much prefer being hurt by the truth then kept in the dark by lies. But that's me. Only you know where your limits lie.

You can if you both work on it. My DH hid alot of debt we're nearly a year down the line and still working on things. I have had the odd little wobble over trusting him but I now have control over the finances so he can't do it again. He also is trying to be completely open with me. Whereas before he would hide things to save me the stress. I think the person has to genuinely want to change and the other has to be genuinely willing to trust again, otherwise your just clinging to a relationship that can't really move forwards.
I really hope you work it out if that's what you really want.

Been pondering what you said OP and I think any relationship that will damage your sense of security or your mental health simply is not worth continuing,If you have to check or keep watch on his behaviours then it will drive you barmy and make you ill.Trust is such a fragile thing,I value honesty more because then I find you can be in a position that is well I don;t like or agree with what you are doing but I respect your will to do it only don;t involve me kind of thing,I could live with that option cos it is above board and the lying and deciet bit is gone,I still don;t have to like it but that option I could live with.I wish you all the best going forward .

IME you can forgive a person, but you never really forget and it will constantly come up. If you're ever unsure about anything else in the future, it will always be in the back of your mind (if not in outright accusations) and you'll probably struggle to believe him if ever tested again.
For me my ex slept with someone else when we were at an awkward 'not too sure where we're at' stage, I'd have been gutted if I knew but I wouldn't have held it against him because of the situation, however when we were back together properly, he told me (without me ever asking or even wanting to know) that he'd not been with anyone else in the mean time, so when I found out (completely accidentally) that he had, then it was the lies that I couldn't get past, we tried for another year but it was always there, I found myself not believing anything he told me; he could have told me it was raining and I'd have had to check.

I’m not sure if he’ll do it again, if he could get away with it he probably would. I think he’s maybe addicted in some way but he won’t admit it.
I just don’t want to be one of those wife’s who checks up on him all the time but if I don’t then I just have to trust him and I’m finding that really hard at the moment.

It definitely makes you question what else they might have hidden from you and what else they might hide in the future. Last year, I discovered that DH had helped someone out with something which had financial implications for our family. The person he helped had asked him not to tell anyone - so he didn't! It came to light later as some paperwork was sent to our address and he had some explaining to do. I was less than impressed as, although, had I known, I may well have agreed to help this person out, DH had not asked certain key questions to ascertain the level of risk, which I would definitely have wanted to know before committing to it. Questioning the trust in our relationship is now always in my mind.

Of course it's hard to trust him; he's shown you he's untrustworthy! I don't know how tall he is - let's say 5'11" - if he'd told you 6'1" and then you measured him, would you still be trying to believe he was 6'1"?!

I get that this is different, of course it is, but the principle is the same. He wilfully deceived you. That doesn't mean you have 'trust issues' it means he has a trustworthiness issue. Only time will tell if he has stopped doing whatever it was. You tying yourself into knots trying to force yourself to believe what may or may not be true will achieve nothing, will it?

You will soon learn whether or not you can live with the uncertainty.

Probably not on the whole. I think it is more of a problem when you've said its unacceptable and he's done it anyway. The hiding is also a big deal. As he obviously doesn't share the issue with the 'thing'. This would make me think he's sorry he's been caught not that he did it. You're entitled to draw your boundaries where you want but it does possibly depend on what the thing is too. As I think how reasonable or not it is will play a part in his attitude to overcoming it. For example going to strip clubs and looking at porn vs smoking weed, for example. I also think what he's done that you find unacceptable matters in terms of how it impacts on your self esteem. Again the example if porn or stip clubs.