To be upset with my family

[Cashpoint]

I feel really compromised. I had a shitty childhood, worked hard and now have a very comfortable life. I live with 2 DC for 8 months of the year as DH is based overseas so I’m raising teens alone which is challenging. So my widowed mother asked if she could live with me 4 years ago and I didn’t think twice about saying yes. I have the space and cost wise wasn’t an issue and she had nowhere else to go. 5 months ago my spinster ( awful word but accurate) sibling became sick and my Mother invited her to move in with me. She has been living here 9 months and hasn’t contributed anything or offered despite me having paid over 10K in medical bills.
Atm there is no end to my siblings illness as it’s a lifelong illness. My home feels like a care home with the constant stream of health visitors. My downstairs is taken over completely and so now I have to negotiate cooking times in my own kitchen. My TV room is now taken over with medical supplies so my teens have to chill in their rooms. I’m fed up feeling like I’m running a care home/ hostel but don’t know how to handle the situation without upsetting my elderly mother.

What a tricky situation. You have every right to want some time alone with your teenagers. You need to think carefully about what you want to happen and then decide how you can make it happen. I think whatever you do there is no real reason why your mum and sister can't contribute financially.

Depending on your income one option would be to move to a place with a "granny annexe" that your mum and sister could share. They could pay a small rent if you want and then be responsible for their own bills. You and your teenagers could be free from them without you feeling that you have abandoned them.

Alternatively could they live together in a place nearby. You could drop in on them daily. If they can't afford a place could you afford one that they pay rent on? Not that it's your responsibility but I am taking from your post that you feel like you want to help them and also that you are financially able to.

You don't have to have them in your home but I think in order to make a change you need to decide what change you want to make. It doesn't sound like they will be forthcoming with solutions as it isn't a problem for them. It's not unreasonable to tell them to leave if that's the right decision for your children
They come first.

Is there a reason you are left paying the medical bills?

I would be asking them both to move out. Sometimes living arrangements need to come to an end. I couldn't live like this, and you don't have to. You say your childhood wasn't good. It sounds like you may be suffering from FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) in order to have accommodated your family in this way for this long.

I certainly wouldn’t be paying the medical bills.
OP , you clearly are a generously spirited person but you’re not a medical unit . Maybe contact housing associations and Social Services. This has clearly gotten out of hand. 👍

I think you should explain to your mother and sister that the living arrangements are no longer working for you and give them a reasonable timescale to find somewhere else to live.

Ask them to leave. It's not right that your entire family is put out for them. They'll be upset but tbh it's tough. They aren't your responsibility and if they have any common sense they'll understand why eventually.

CAn you and teens move to a new home. Get DM and DSis on direct debits from their accounts to cover living costs, carers look after them.
Where are you that you have to pay medical bills? Can't DMs pension and DSis benefits cover their costs (assuming they don't pay rent for your house).
DCs will leave home soon. Have some happy times with them before they go - and will DCs come home to a house full of invalids in the future, not regularly I shouldn't think.

Why are you paying medical bills? Can you find somewhere for your mother and sister to live? What would happen to your sister if she didn’t have your mother? Can she go into a home or some kind of respite until she is fitter (if this will happen)?

I agree with Fatshedra. Your dcs won’t want to come home to this environment.

As Confused said, this isn’t fair on your DCs.... you feel a duty towards your mother and sister, but equally (or possibly more!) you have to look after your own children.
Your DM and DS will be upset but it’s your home.

What in one have they both got? They need to start paying. Plus this is not fair in your kids and your quality of family life. Also, was your Dm and ds the cause if your crap childhood - if so, I’d kick them both out.

You need to talk to them. But first decide what you want. Do you want them to leave, stay and contribute or stay, or start, contribute and take up less space?

Have options prepared. If you want them to leave can they afford housing on their own. Research some options.

If you want them to contribute, how much would be reasonable?

If you want them to take up less of your living space, how would this work practically. What zones are for your children and what space is theirs.

They would like they are giving very little thought to your needs - you need to clearly communicate them and set boundaries

What does your DH do in the 4 months he's home? What's his thinking about it?

Agree with others - you’re giving too much - see what options are available for winding back from this situation

Has sister been living with you five months or nine?

Why not tell your mother it’s unsustainable for your children or husband when he’s back?

When is your DH due home? Can you speak with DM and DSis about his the situation needs to change for when he returns?

And your DC must be being affected by this living arrangement - do they have friends over? Can they study in a suitable environment?
Offer to help them get settled into a place of their own nearby. Or talk with the healthcare providers about the rehabilitation options for your DSis.
What does your DH say about the situation?

Your mother and sister are essentially homeless. You said you had a shitty childhood - it seems you’re having a shitty adulthood too.

I would suggest you get social services involved with a view to getting your sister and mother in their own accommodation.

If your mother is your sisters carer she would receive an allowance.

What country are you in?

I understand that medical bills can escalate depending on the country you reside in. But this is ridiculous.

Your mother shouldn’t have offered up your home so easily. This isn’t fair to you or your family at all.

Your mother and sister are essentially homeless. You said you had a shitty childhood - it seems you’re having a shitty adulthood too.

Agree with this what roles did you play within the family? Were you a care taker as a child too?

This situation is unacceptable and not fair to your children you must prioritise them

I am amazed you paid 10k and your sister won’t cook for your family when she cooks for herself...

You need to reclaim the communal space.
They can only cook between x and y unless they are you in advance.
The medicine needs to all go in their own rooms and out of communal space
Ultimately you should be working to get them out - this is a bad situation for everyone

A relative had a similar situation with her mother so she paid the deposit and rent on a flat for her. Social services continued to pay the rent thereafter as the mother only had her state pension as income. Could this be worth looking into?