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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding date dilema

27 replies

AfterSomeAdvice1234 · 30/09/2019 16:33

First time poster:

DP and I got engaged in June (woo!) and everyone on both sides is really happy. Recently started looking at venues etc and have found somewhere local to us that we both like that is within our (somewhat limited) budget, with a view to booking in for late autumn 2020. Suddenly my DM has lost all enthusiasm and has been suggesting we postpone a year (autumn 2021) - neither of us want to do that as we don't really want to spend the next 2.5 years planning a wedding, but gentle rebuttals have been met with stony non-responses... DM's reasoning is that 2020 is a busy year for our family (series of big birthdays and anniversaries), which may be a valid reason..?

So my question is - would you just suck it up and postpone for a year? I know most posters will say "it's your wedding do what you want" but my relationship with my family is generally really good and I would like to find a solution that pleases everyone (if possible!).

TIA

OP posts:
Zebraaa · 30/09/2019 16:35

Is that the only reason she’s lost enthusiasm? Seems sad she isn’t excited about planning her daughters wedding now. I’d say go with what you want ultimately but if you’d prefer her input then wait.

JorisBonson · 30/09/2019 16:36

I was in your shoes when I started planning and frankly, it's noones choice but you when your wedding is. The sooner you put your foot down the better - if your mother is anything like mine she'll need to be put in her place, and quickly

JuneSpoon · 30/09/2019 16:36

The best piece of advice I received when I got engaged was : please yourself/yourselves.

You cannot manage to please everyone else so do whatever works for you. Yanbu to have your date whenever suits you

user1493413286 · 30/09/2019 16:37

I’d stick to when I wanted to be honest; if it was about delaying for a couple of months then fine but to postpone for a year is massive.

Freespirit24 · 30/09/2019 16:39

From reading your post something is telling me that your DM has another reason for asking you to not get married next year. Unless the date you have in mind is days or weeks apart from another big event then I don't understand what the problem is. There is 365 days in a year so unless there's 364 special occassions for you to attend in your family then this is not a valid reason for postponing your wedding.

I would go back to your DM and ask her one more time for a better reason as why she prefers this. However, its really not up to her. Its your wedding (like you say) and you and your DH to be should be making this decision.

SmileCheese · 30/09/2019 16:39

I cant imagine ever feeling the need to seek approval for something such as a wedding date. Presumably you and your partner are paying for the wedding and therefore why does it matter that there are other big events next year? I don't even think my own mother knew my wedding date until we sent the save the date cards.

Original poster
AfterSomeAdvice1234 · 30/09/2019 16:50

General consensus seems to be to stick with the original date.

Many thanks all Smile

OP posts:
stucknoue · 30/09/2019 16:52

Just make sure there's a 2 week window from dates already in her diary. Could it be she's worrying about the financial impact though?

TulipsTwoLips · 30/09/2019 16:53

Is one of the big events hers?

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2019 16:54

With a shit attitude like that from your own mother, I would scrap the wedding altogether, save loads of money, and take a dream trip with your partner and get married whilst away, just the two of you. As for "pleasing everyone", that will never, ever happen.

mnahmnah · 30/09/2019 16:54

Is she thinking of saving up money to contribute, and it’s not long enough for her to do that?

SleepingStandingUp · 30/09/2019 16:56

Is your Mom paying for it? Otherwise get married when you want. If you have the dates of the other parties then try to give a week in-between and accept that if there's 4 big parties in 4 weeks and you're involves 2 hours travel each way it might affect acceptances bit other than thst it's your wedding, your money and you that's doing the planning.

lyralalala · 30/09/2019 16:58

The only thing I'd say is consider the proximity of other events when you pick your date.

One of my cousins is really upset because a good number of people aren't going to her wedding soon, but she picked a date 3 weeks after another family wedding and 2 weeks before another. Their dates were organised ages before hers and people (we're all spread out) have planned their savings, booked hotels, flights and the likes. Several of them just can't afford another big trip right in the middle of those two. Also the family abroad (the ones she's most upset aren't making the effort) haven't got the leave to make another trip.

MerryMarigold · 30/09/2019 16:58

Are there things you're putting on hold till you're married eg. Buying a house, having a baby. I'd explain to my mum (we have a good relationship) why I don't want to wait an extra year and see if she can be understanding. Is she planning on any major life changes next year?

GettingABitDesperateNow · 30/09/2019 16:58

I guess it depends what the other events are and how many there are. If it is your grandmas 90th and your mums 40th wedding anniversary next autumn already, and you have extended family flying from all over to attend those two things, then maybe she thinks it's a lot to ask of people to also travel from far and wide to attend a third event at the same time of year. Maybe she wants to be involved and help and is worried she wont be able to if she is tied up organising another couple of things around the same time. Maybe she is worried about cost and not being able to spread it (eg if she is hosting a party for someone else and organising her own party, it could he expensive)

If most of the guests who will cross over for these events are local and attending wont cost them much and there is a month either side of another big event then I dont see the issue.

Disfordarkchocolate · 30/09/2019 16:58

My husband would have run off crying if we'd taken that long to plan a wedding. Pick the date you want, Royal Weddings don't even need that long to plan.

mumwon · 30/09/2019 17:02

I suspect she is worried about finance too - she has got other notable dates (cost) & Parents input into weddings entails money to some degree - please send polite email (think through carefully & review before sending) & ask her saying you don't want to wait that long - & ask her - & if you aren't going to ask for financial help but just want her to be there (nb she maybe thinking about: cost of new outfit, cost of accommodation, cost of present, & maybe she wanted to help with your cost) tell her - How many notable dates & how close to your wedding & whether these will be expensive, & whether she worries that your wedding will outshine other events. or basically all these things will be exhausting

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 30/09/2019 17:02

From what you’ve said YANBU, but I can’t help but feel there is a drip feed coming here..

Atalune · 30/09/2019 17:07

Maybe your MIL is trying to hint to you that people may not have the time/funds to attend the wedding as there a number of other commitments already planned?

I think it’s pretty weird but it could be that?

iolaus · 30/09/2019 17:07

Is your mum paying? If so then she may be thinking she can't afford it in that amount of time

If you are funding it then the date is completely up to you

Original poster
AfterSomeAdvice1234 · 30/09/2019 17:08

No drip feed, but don't want to post lots of outing details on here. I think previous points about the finances of a busy year involving (fairly) far flung family are probably right - thanks for the level headed perspective. I'll talk to her and try to get more of an understanding.

Thanks again all for your Mumsnet wisdom! Smile

OP posts:
TheMustressMhor · 30/09/2019 17:12

Maybe it would be a good idea just to say to her that you think she's worried about the financial aspect. That gives her the opportunity to tell you exactly why she would like you to delay the wedding for a whole year.

Perhaps she just needs reassurance that you're not expecting a financial contribution from her? Or a massive wedding present?

You know your family circumstances best.

Original poster
AfterSomeAdvice1234 · 30/09/2019 17:15

Thanks Mustress - that's exactly what I'll do. We're normally very close so I'm assuming it is a financial issue. Hopefully a conversation will solve it. Thanks again.

OP posts:
DisgruntledGuineaPig · 30/09/2019 17:32

If the problem is family having to travel for events already is to try to make your date nearer to one of the other big events, a friend of DHs got married the weekend after a cousin precisely because family were flying in from Australia for the cousins wedding and this way they could make both part of the same trip.

If the problem is your mum doesn't feel she'd have the head space/time to organise your wedding and these other events, perhaps a chat about how little in practice she'll have to do. (A generation back it was common that the mother of the bride did the bulk of the work, it's more normal for the mother of the bride now to effectively be a guest, not someone managing the planning, she might not realise you and your DP will do most of the work)

flouncyfanny · 30/09/2019 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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