AIBU

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My husband's family never once contacted me during my pregnancy.. I had an awful pregnancy I couldn't eat anything but dry toast and because of that I was hospitalised I lost 13 kilos, my bone marrow shut down and I have fluid around my heart... My MIL and FIL came once and only to give my husband his birthday present. I had my baby and due to still having the NG I couldn't stay on the maternity ward and I was taken back to my ward and hubby and baby went to the children's ward and after 2 days hubby and baby were discharged and I had to stay on the ward Since my son has been born my MIL & FIL have been non stop planning things for my son, they opened up a bank account for him, they took him to his first party, they are planning holidays with him and every weekend they take him for 8-9 hours... I missed out on his first bottle, first nappy change, first bath, first trip out and I am sure they have done more of his firsts with him I wasn't even given pictures! They couldn't care less about him when I was pregnant and now they are taking it upon themselves to do things I wanted to do with my baby... My hubby and I fought about it recently, I said I didn't want them taking him for so long and why can't they come here to visit with him?! I was separated from him after he was born and I panic and cry when they take him, I don't want them to open a bank account for him he is our son that's our job and I was looking forward to it, and I don't know who the party is for so why are they taking my son to this stranger to me's party. My husband agreed to everything they asked and didn't give me the chance to give my opinion so if I say no later they think I am a b*h who won't let them see their grandson.

I feel as if I am a surrogate and they get all the fun parts. Also my fil has never changed a nappy in his life but my mil left my son with him for an hour while she went out I don't trust him to be able to take care of my son and they never want to come and hang out with us they just take him and leave then bring him back and leave.

Sorry if it's hard to follow! But AIBU

Hi
This is a bit hard to follow... Are you still in hospital? How old is your son now? What is NG?

Are you sure they’ve opened a bank account for him? My grandparents wanted to do this but weren’t allowed as banking regulations changed in August 2018 so only a parent can do it. (England)

I don't understand. Are you still in hospital? Or are you at home now?

Either way, I'm so sorry you had such a difficult pregnancy and your hospital and birth experience sound really tough. It's understandable that you're feeling anxious in general.

It is understandable that you feel sad that, because you were separated from your baby while he was so tiny, you missed out on his first nappy, first bottle etc - but that would have been the case regardless of your in-laws being around, as you were unfortunately so unwell. If your husband had sole care of your son on the children's ward while you were in a different ward, he would have been doing those things regardless of your in-laws being present, and to be honest I think you should be pleased they were around to support him at that difficult time, even though you have a tricky relationship with them.

There is nothing wrong with your in-laws opening a bank account for your child - lots of grandparents do this so they can start a little savings account for their grandchildren, and there is nothing to stop you and husband opening up an account for your child too.

However, I don't really understand why your son is being taken away from you to be looked after by anyone, or taken to parties, if you cry and have panic attacks every time. Honestly, you sound very distressed and a little bit panicky in your post and I'm a bit worried about you. How old is your son now? Presumably he has been fine when your husband's parents have looked after him? What about your own parents - are they around? Are you OK for them to babysit sometimes or is it only when your in-laws take him that you feel panicky?

It does feel a bit like your traumatic separation from your son when he was born might be affecting your mental health generally, and I think you might benefit from speaking to a doctor about that as if you cry every time your son is taken from you for a couple of hours and you have no control over who takes him and when, it sounds like a very difficult situation all round and you might benefit from some counselling and medication. Have you spoken to a health visitor or anything about any of this?

I was released from the hospital a day after my son was. He is 2 months old now well 11 weeks old today.
I am from Australia but live in the UK, my family is in Australia.
They haven't given me the chance to get to know them as I feel like they don't like coming over our house.
I was already thin before I lost all my weight I was 53 kilos and I dropped down to 40 kilos... I almost died and I was traumatized from the hospital and my pregnancy.
Ng is nasal gastric I had been fed that way.
I speak to a perinatal therapist weekly but she doesn't really help me nobody is.
I have been diagnosed with post natal depression and anxiety and ptsd.

You have to stand to them and your H.
You have to say no to them. What they’re doing is not normal grandparent duty OP. It’s very overbearing and bordering ridiculous.

I don’t even know what to say about this, it’s horrific. It’s such a bloody shame you had the baby here and not Australia.

Stop letting them take him for 8+ hours at a weekend. That’s an unreasonable amount of time to separate a very young baby from his mother, unless the mother is actively looking for it. Tell your husband it won’t be happening any more, and don’t hand him over the next time. It’ll be hard at first, but you will feel better for having asserted yourself.

I'm really sorry that you are having such a hard time. PND is horrible and can really make life very difficult to bear. I hope you are getting all the support and help you need for that.

I understand where you are coming from in relation to being upset that your PIL aren't very sensitive to your needs. It's crap when in-laws are like that but there's not much you can do. It's nice when they are as caring as you'd expect your own parents to be but some people just aren't. Is your husband sensitive and understanding? Are you getting the help you need for your health?

They are probably just so excited about their grandchild and want to show him off. Personally I think your husband is the one who needs to put boundaries in place with his parents. The discussion I think you need to have is with your husband where he agrees that any plans need to be run by you before they are put in place. He needs to protect you from being the 'bad guy' in his parents' eyes as well so it's not good enough for him to tell his parents that you've said no. He is the person who needs to support you and have your back.

I'm in a similar position to you where my family are all in a different country, my in-laws are overbearing and if my husband wasn't able to hold them off I would be getting very upset too.

You have to tell your DH that his parents cannot take your baby out for 8-9 hours as it is causing you such distress. They do not need to take him away at all. They can come and visit your home and socialise with all of you. I can see why you feel the way you do and sympathise greatly.

It doesn't matter if your PIL think you are a bitch. So what if they do? Tell your husband to stop agreeing to their demands and be supportive to you.

You are not a human incubator, you are a new mum and deserve to spend time with your little one. Fight back and do not let them take over.

No more 8 hour trips to grannies. Not at two months. You have to say no. Your DH isn't going to do it.

It is possible that your DH and his parents think that they are helping you; they are clearly not. Can you tell your therapist about this, or maybe better still your health visitor. I can understand that perhaps you need someone in your corner to explain to your DH and his parents that you need time with your baby to recover. You are not a breeding mare, you are his mother. He belongs with you. Those are the facts that matter and that your DH needs to stand up for.