Having a second child - AIBU to not?

[PiratesvAliens]

We have a 5 year old DD. We have mostly been adamant that we don't want any more children based on the following:

difficult pregnancy and traumatic labour which took a long time to recover from physically and mentally.

Both have busy demanding jobs which is difficult enough to facilitate with one child but we make it work and we have a nice balance at the moment.

We both have hobbies that we love and don't want to compromise on.

Neither of us like a really noisy, chaotic household and our DD was a very fretful baby who screamed incessantly for about two years and I developed PND as a result.

Neither of us cope at all well with ongoing sleep deprivation (who does?!) and our marriage was on very shaky ground for a couple of years.

Some niggly ongoing problems in relationship, mostly down to mis communication.

Our DD is thriving at a private school and it would put a lot of financial pressure on us to put a second one through the same school.

I have some ongoing health issues which a pregnancy would probably exacerbate.

Reading that back, the answer seems clear. However, I have regular periods where I have this intense urge to have another child. However after a few days it passes and I’m back to thinking that it would be a bad idea for the aforementioned reasons.

This is not helped by my DD sadly telling me that she wishes she had a sibling. I make a huge effort to socialise with friends and family so she has plenty of contact with other kids and I love playing with her too. Obviously being at school she has contact with other children all day long and there are a few other only children in her year.

There was an 10 year gap between me and my brother so I effectively grew up as an only child and I was definitely lonely.

I don’t remember being desperate for a sibling (probably because I had one) but my parents worked full time, my brother had his own friends and wasn’t interested in me and my parents certainly didn’t make the effort to socialise me as I am doing with DD.

There is also so much more to do these days in terms of hobbies and extra curricular stuff, of which we are able to offer to DD. I’m sure if that had been an option for me growing up I wouldn’t have felt so lonely.

I know that our decision should not be influenced by the wants of a five year old. But the guilt I feel at times is overwhelming. I worry that I will look back in 5-10 years and massively regret not having another.

Equally, I worry that if we have another one it will tip us over the edge. I am 38, my husband is 42 so neither of us getting any younger and I feel really tired a lot of the time and that’s with a full nights sleep.

I wish I could just be happy with my decision and move on and enjoy life but it’s like a monkey on my back that I can’t get rid of! I do feel the societal pressures too as the vast majority of our friends and family have more than one child. Having said that, we do have a few friends who are sticking at one and are very happy.

Due to our ages and the fact that there will be an almost 6 year gap, we need to make the decision now and I can’t faff around any more.

Any words of advice please?!

Thing is, the age gap is already going to be a bit big for being playmates. There's a similar gap between me and my younger sibling and we didn't do much together- I wasn't interested in a toddler/young child tagging on when I had friends over and then as soon as I went to uni my sibling was effectively an only.

Not to say all sibling relationships with gaps go that way, but your DD probably doesn't fully get the reality of a baby rather than an instant playmate. If that's the only thing in the yes column, and with how much you have in the no column, I probably wouldn't go for another.

Hope you can find some peace whichever way you choose

A minimum six year age gap is pretty big. I have a brother six years older who went to university when I was 11. Plus we never played together given our age gap. I think even in personality assessments based on birth order they count a 6 year difference as having the traits and experiences of an only child.

It doesn't sound like you have the time or energy for another child. Plus the strain on finances and your marriage. So you are basing this on your 5 yo who doesn't grasp what a sibling would be like.

Cant see why the age gap is an issue- My friend has a sibling 8 years older and they get on fab. Ok, maybe they were not playing together with pomys and Barbies, but get on so well and her older sis was a massive help with school and then advice for uni. Plus, you have the elder in school and the younger one can sleep during the day and you have some rest, so unlike people where the difference is very small and who have to pay two nursery fees, you are much better off only having to pay for one.
Nothing to say your second birth would also be difficult!
If you don't want another child, so be it, no one will force you, don;t look at other people.

Life just seems so much easier now that she is five. I found the pre school years very challenging and I'm scared to go back to it. I know it passes relatively quickly but five years is still a long time.

Although I have these intense urges for another child, they are fleeting and then I'm back to thinking 'oh thank god I'm not pregnant'

To be honest the age gap is the least of my worries, it's all of the other stuff which is perfectly valid.

I also think that when my DD is 7 or 8 and has her own friends and interests, I'm then going to have a 1/2 yr old to contend with and entertain and it's not fair to put that expectation on her.

Sounds to me like you don't really want another child. I have one and plan on having 1-2 more and the sleep deprivation etc wouldn't put me off enough to not do it.

I feel more children would complete my family but if you feel your family is complete with one child and are happy then I wouldn't feel guilty.

I had a baby earlier this year and my daughter is almost seven and it's been wonderful. She loved the pregnancy and loved hearing updates and reading about what size the baby is this week and all that type of stuff. She was there when my waters broke and she has been fascinated by pregnancy and childbirth since 😀😀😀. I wouldn't let the age gap put you off but you seem very content with your life and I don't know if I'd want another in your situation. My baby was a surprise pregnancy and don't get me wrong I wouldn't change her for anything but it is tough at times. Like you I am not a fan of chaos and I like a calm orderly life.

Don’t do it!
The urge will always appear when you’re ovulating! It’s just hormones tricking you.
Sounds like you finally have a lovely balance, why ruin it?

It sounds like your issue isn't wanting another child per se, it's dealing with the guilt your feel when your dd asks for on. Have you pointed out the benefits of being an only child to her? Maybe that would help?

I don't think you should. You've struggled this much with one NT child, what if your next one has complex needs?

You don't want another one. So don't have one. Don't get the dilemma.

Track the times you get the urge for another and I'll bet you a pound to a bunch of bananas it falls in line with your menstrual cycle . If I'm wrong, give it some more thought maybe. But don't underestimate the power of hormones to affect your thoughts and feelings, and don't be a slave to them! Do what is right for you most of the time, not what feels right three days of every month!

I agree with other posters, the urge will be related to your cycles. It is designed to get you geared up for child bearing!

It does sound like you don’t want another child, but it is probably comments from your DD that make you think again.

No one can tell you what to do, I have a friend who was an only child, and she pretty much spent her whole life wanting a sibling.

I asked about age gaps, and there was lots of great replies on there, so I wouldn’t even think about that.

However, as I said, you and your DH are the ones that need to decide, and if having another child will have health consequences as well as relationship issues, then maybe it’s not worth it?

I am an only child and I had a wonderful childhood. I never felt lonely, and I know loads of other only children who had the same experience I did. Feeling sad and lonely in your childhood has nothing to do with having siblings or not.

From everything you've written, your ages and the age gap between children, I don't think you should have another. Aside from your occasional hormonal freak outs, which are totally normal, I don't think you want another, either. You have a lovely life just the way it is. Enjoy it!

Thank you for all the comments, much appreciated and very helpful!

I feel the best I have mentally since my DD was born, PND absolutely crippled me and I'm so thankful that it's finally behind me. The thought of going through that again makes me feel sick.

All in all we have a pretty great life and she is a great kid. I have thought a lot about the risk of having one with additional needs. My husbands brother has three with autism and it's so very hard for them, so it's in the family and therefore a risk.

I'm not currently on the pill as we use condoms. I do agree that there is probably a hormonal influence here. I think maybe going on the pill might help with that?

I hate the fact that I feel influenced by what other people are doing but if it were the norm to just have one child, I don't think I would give it a second thought.

I don't want my DD to feel odd or that she has missed out on some huge life event. I even had a friend tell me the other day that only children were weird! That really pissed me off, clearly there is a stigma.

I only have one DC, based on similar reasons to yours; age and finances being the main ones.

I admit that DS did go through phases of asking for a little brother but I would say that being an only he developed an imagination and ability to play by himself like people used to years ago. He stopped asking for the sibling at some point in his teens when he became grateful that we were able to fund things that wouldn't have been possible if he had a sibling.

My only regrets came around the time DS started school and I realised that the toddler / pre-school days were over for good. I actually considered retraining as a TA or becoming a childminder for a while to get my 'fix' of spending time with a 4 year old! But after a few weeks life moved on to the next phase and I've been quite happy with my choice.

Obviously neither myself, DH nor DS know what life would have been like if there had been a younger sibling but we have been quite content with what we have.

@Rachelle11‘I think even in personality assessments based on birth order they count a 6 year difference as having the traits and experiences of an only child.’

Jesus and what are these traits supposed to be? Always considered myself pretty normal.

I have a few friends who decided to stop at one. Their children are now in their late teens, early 20s and none have said they wished they had a sibling. As you said, there is so much to do to socialise nowadays.

I have noticed how close my friends are to their only child, maybe a coincidence, or maybe not.

I have a 6yo DD and a 1yo DS. I adore them both and despite the age gap they have a beautiful bond with one another that is lovely to see and just melts my heart. BUT there's no denying that life was much easier with one. People will tell you it's easier the second time around but I found the adjustment from one to two DC much harder than I anticipated. The sleep deprivation was harder to cope with the second time around, maybe because I was a few years older. Looking back now, I realise that my decision to have a second was largely due to pressure from others. People kept insisting that DD "needed" a sibling, that she would be lonely and grow to resent us for it. I don't even believe any of that nonsense but I guess over time it got into my head and combined with those pesky hormones... sometimes your body is just really insistent at certain points in your cycle even when your head and heart disagree. My second birth was traumatic and I developed PND. I'm only just starting to feel 'myself' again almost a year on. I've had depression before but what I hadn't considered was how much harder it is to manage PND when you have an older child at home! You have to put on a happy face, keep their normal routine going, brave the school run, take them to birthday parties with everyone gathering round cooing over the new baby and you just don't want to face anyone. I remember the sheer the effort it took to not cry in front of DD (when I wanted to cry the vast majority of the time!) was utterly exhausting. Now DS is actually here I wouldn't be without him of course, but if I'd had any idea how hard those first 9/10months would be I'm not sure I would have made the same decision.

Minister - thank you for being so honest and I'm sorry things have been tough for you. This is exactly what I am afraid of for myself.

I also have the added difficulty of no family help and a husband who works away a lot. So a lot falls to me and whilst I can now happily manage with one child, I don't think our lifestyle would lend itself well to two children.

It's also great to hear from posters who are themselves only children and who had a lovely childhood. That makes me feel better

lol They aren't bad traits. Just google birth order traits. I have am one in that there is a big age gap with my bother and it was just my mom and I from 11 on. I have younger siblings but we were raised separately. Only children tend to be more mature and comfortable in the company of adults. They are also leaders, and conscientious. Not bad things. None of the birth order traits are bad. They just have unique strengths and challenges. My son is an only child too.

Get a dog.

OP I know what you mean about the urge to have another baby. I only ever wanted 1, we agreed we’d only have 1, we had DD and I want to give her everything I can and everything I never had. Pregnancy was beyond awful, we have no real family help and we just cannot afford another baby, yet still I have months where all I can think about is having another baby, dreaming about being pregnant, the last time I even bought some maternity clothes ‘just in case’.

I have to keep telling myself it’s just hormones and persuading myself that if we had another baby we wouldn’t be able to afford to go on holiday, run a 2nd car, pay for any activities or new toys for our existing child or build up any savings. It helped me to speak to a friend who is in the same boat and realise I’m not the only one pushing through the hormones.

Definitely sounds like hormonal broodiness to me. You know you're own mind and the reasons for having one and if you don't want the broodiness maybe consider a hormonal contraceptive.....also makes it less likely that you'll have a surprise baby!

I'm sure I read once that just before your period a woman gets all broody and wants sex because it's trying to get you to recreate. So I think what you've mentioned is just an animal instinct thing.

I am also in the same boat as you. I'm still undecided.

Re getting a dog - we actually have four already! So it's a nice busy household in that sense.

I think going back on the pill is a very good idea, it will be interesting to see if it has any effect on my feelings.

I just can't believe that 3 days ago, we were having a serious conversation about having another baby and now I feel completely opposed to the idea again!

There is another interesting thread going at the moment about the life of an only child. It is overwhelmingly positive!