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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still miss my Dad nearly 30 years later......

10 replies

Unsure2019 · 30/09/2019 13:43

It has been almost 30 years since I last saw my Dad, all of my adult life. He just stopped calling/asking to see us one day and hasn’t bothered since.

My DB and DSis couldn’t care less- they think he’s an idiot and can’t understand why I care. But I do- I think about him everyday. I have thought about contacting him through Facebook but I’m scared of being rejected as I don’t know why he stopped seeing us in the first place. I’m also worried about upsetting my DM if she found out.
AIBU to still feel like this after all this time?

OP posts:

TheMustressMhor · 30/09/2019 13:45

No. You're obviously still missing him. There's no real reason why you can't try to get in touch.

Why would your mother be upset if you did?

Lifeisabeach09 · 30/09/2019 13:51

OP, what exactly are you missing about him?

Eekdatingisntfun · 30/09/2019 13:55

As a mother to a child whose father has basically abandoned her; I would never be upset if she wished to make contact. I’m sure many mothers would feel the same.

I can understand that you miss him. You only have two parents. Make contact and if it isn’t successful then at least you know you’ve tried xx

ShippingNews · 30/09/2019 13:59

If you think your mother would be upset, is that because their relationship was really bad ? I'd think that after 30 years you could ask your mother what happened - it's very likely that she knows a lot more than you do about it.

Original poster

Unsure2019 · 30/09/2019 14:03

DM thinks very little of him after he left her for the OW (which I understand!) and when I have mentioned him in the past, she has always just said ‘well, he wasn’t much of a father.’
I don’t know what I miss about him- maybe just the idea of him!! Having had my own children, I just can’t understand how someone can just abandon their own child and never see them again. He’s getting older and I keep thinking what if I leave it too late.... I think my number 1 question to him would be why did he stop contact?

OP posts:

TheMustressMhor · 30/09/2019 15:55

I don't think you're unreasonable to want to contact him.

Original poster

Unsure2019 · 30/09/2019 18:58

Thanks for the replies- I will think more about contacting him. I wonder if there is anybody out there who has been in a similar situation and has made contact and how it went? Maybe that’s a whole new thread....

OP posts:

Kittenbittenmitten · 30/09/2019 19:36

I think you could try but be prepared for disappointment. Sometimes you just have to accept that some men should never have been fathers and at least you've had your mum to care for you.

I made contact with my "father" and he expressed his apparent bitter regret at not being there for me. Step-mum was a nice woman, If you can call her that and we all tried but I tailed off the contact. What I simply could not bear is that he had a family with her. How could he provide for them and not me? How could she have children with him knowing he had a child he made no effort to see or support. The whole thing left a bitter taste in my mouth and I couldn't get past it.

I wish you luck and happiness in whatever you choose to do.

Original poster

Unsure2019 · 30/09/2019 21:30

Kitten- thank you for being honest and sharing your experience- I am truly sorry that it didn’t work out with your Dad, it must hurt that he has another family where he is around.
I guess that is one of the things that I’m thinking- what do I actually want out of this? Will it continue if lack of contact hasn’t bothered him for 30 years!
My Dad also has other children that he doesn’t keep in touch with so I guess I’m ‘lucky’ that he hasn’t played a doting Dad to anyone else

OP posts:

Kittenbittenmitten · 30/09/2019 21:50

I guess you could say lucky... at least he treats you all equally
I never could honestly answer what I was hoping to get out of it. I was a very young woman when we made contact again. I think deep down children get in contact because they ache for the proper parental experience that never happened. Even with the best intentions, he could never even come close to being like a father who has been there for their children's whole lives.

It's my personal view that is why re-establishing the parent child relationship often fails. Sometimes there wasn't even a relationship in the first place and the father cannot match the high expectations of the child. Some children are quite happy to accept they will never have a traditional relationship and have cordial relationships with their parents once reconnecting has happened.

I realised I didn't want a friend. I wanted another parent and he couldn't do that. As I said I couldn't view him as a father as he had showed no paternal inclinations towards me in my childhood. It took meeting him to come to terms with that. It seemed natural to stop the contact and he's never tried to reconnect. I'm much happier and have been for many years, having accepting him for what he is.

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