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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to name my baby after my late aunt? Complicated family situation

24 replies

Secretlifeofme · 30/09/2019 02:15

My aunt, whom I was very close to, sadly passed away earlier this year. I am currently 36 weeks pregnant and if the baby is a girl (we chose not to find out) I would like to give her my aunt's name as a middle name.

However, this is complicated by the fact that my aunt had a very problematic relationship with one of her sons. He (my cousin) was hurt by some of her behaviour towards his family and even talked about it at her funeral.

I didn't think either of them were right, but I never took sides. However I was not close to my cousins, as they were all 20 odd years older than me, and I think, although it hasn't been said directly, that my cousin resented the close relationship I had with my aunt.

Under these circumstances, would you go ahead and name the baby after my aunt? I don't want to offend or hurt my cousin, who I think has a lot of anger and pain about his relationship with his mum. However, I loved my aunt very much and would like to honour her with the baby's middle name. Any advice appreciated! I am really torn.

OP posts:

Rachelover60 · 30/09/2019 02:22

Yes, do so if you like the name.

TiggerOfThigh · 30/09/2019 02:24

Why do they need to know? It’s your child, your choice and fuck all to do with anyone else.

Original poster

Secretlifeofme · 30/09/2019 02:26

Thanks for replies. I guess they would know because although we're not close, we're still Facebook friends and I will announce the birth and the name on Facebook. Even if I didn't, my mum and dad would tell them. They will definitely know, it's just a question of whether it's somehow, I don't know, disrespectful to my cousin?

OP posts:

GeorgiaGirl52 · 30/09/2019 03:15

You loved her and want to honor her. Use the name. Do not be concerned about disrespecting a cousin with whom you were not close.

cardamoncoffee · 30/09/2019 05:57

It's absolutely fine. OP.

Original poster

Secretlifeofme · 30/09/2019 06:09

Quite surprised by these replies- I thought I'd get at least one YABU! DH has said the same as you but I'm still not convinced... Just worried that the relationship of mother and son 'trumps' the relationship of aunt and niece and therefore I should avoid this - it might seem a bit 'pointed', if you know what I mean?

OP posts:

Bluewall · 30/09/2019 06:17

Do you want to be close to your cousin ? If not I would go ahead and use the name. As you said you are not close. It sounds like your cousin maybe a little put out by it but I doubt there is much he would do apart from ignore you further ?

What is the worst that could happen ? You loved your aunt and want to honour her so go ahead.

You could also perhaps use her second name as a middle name instead ? That way you could use it for a boy as well ?

Unless whatever your cousin's issue is a very upsetting and bad thing (ie abuse) go ahead and use the name.

Tonnerre · 30/09/2019 06:24

Why put the middle name on Facebook? The wider public don't need to know.

Bobthefishermanswife · 30/09/2019 06:29

Look at it from a more detached point of view: in the grand scheme of things it's only a name and it's your child, you can call it what you want.

I don't think your cousin will dwell on it too much as its a middle name not the first name, possibly if you were to directly name the child after her it may be seen as a bit odd, but not the middle name.

SweetBabyJebus · 30/09/2019 06:41

Why put the middle name on Facebook? The wider public don't need to know.

Was just going to say exactly this. Why not just say here is baby (first name)? Non-close 'Facebook friends' don't need to know her middle name, nobody is ever going to use it.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and the birth OP.

JollyAndBright · 30/09/2019 06:59

You loved your aunt very much and you aren’t very close with the cousin other than being Facebook friends you don’t really have a lot of contact.

On the basis of both these points you definitely should use the name.

Three of my grandparents were Irish, my mum was born in Ireland (my siblings and I have registered ourselves as Irish citizens and I have an Irish passport)
I consider myself mostly Irish.
Some of my fathers family are really against my sister and I being proud of our Irish roots and take great offence to any mention or celebration of our heritage (the Irish grandparent on that side was not a particularly nice person and didn’t treat them very well)

When DS was born I chose to give him an Irish name and was very proud to show our Irish heritage with his name, my aunts, uncles and cousins were massively offended by the name and gave me a really hard time about it and eventually pressured me into changing the spelling of the name to make it less Irish (it’s still exactly the same name, it’s pronounced the same it just has one letter different and isn’t the ‘Irish’ spelling of the name)
I still regret doing it to this day and wish I had kept the original, traditional spelling.
My resentment eventually led to me cutting contact with most of the family (as they would mention it often) and the last nail in the coffin of our relationship was when my niece was born and my sister chose to give her a very Irish middle name and they made a fuss about that too.

Don’t let the opinion of someone you hardly have a relationship with change you honouring a woman you loved with a name you would be proud to give your child.
If you are worried about their reaction don’t tell them about the middle name, just introduce her by her first name.

pasturesgreen · 30/09/2019 07:04

Non-close 'Facebook friends' don't need to know her middle name, nobody is ever going to use it

^ This with bells on!

ColaFreezePop · 30/09/2019 07:24

OP putting the baby's full name on Facebook is a security risk regardless of the names you choose. People would know your child's full name, DOB and parents full names. If you feel you have to announce anything just put the first name and post they have been born without any dates but post it 3-5 days later.

joystir59 · 30/09/2019 07:36

Do you want to give your daughter a name which another family member is conflicted by? Thus bringing that negativity into the future life of your child?

Nicolastuffedone · 30/09/2019 07:56

I see others got there before me! Can’t you just say ‘it’s a girl! XXX was born at........’ surely that would be enough?

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/09/2019 07:59

First name only on Facebook and as long as you don’t really care about your relationship with cousin I’d go ahead

Whocutdownthecherrytree · 30/09/2019 08:07

Yes of course use her name if you want to

Lowlandlucky · 30/09/2019 08:14

Your choice not theirs so use the name

redchocolatebutton · 30/09/2019 08:14

you like the name. go for it!

is there a male version of it?

ShiftHappens · 30/09/2019 08:15

gosh, why do people have to announce everything incl every detail on Facebook

ThinkerThunkk · 30/09/2019 08:16

How bizarre. You are worried about offending people you only see at funerals these days? They aren't people you socialise with or regularly visit and have Sunday lunch with. As is oft said, it's a name, no one owns it.

NoSauce · 30/09/2019 08:20

I agree with not putting her full name on FB. Your cousin has been hurt by whatever happened between him and his mum and it will look like you’re taking her side if he finds out you’ve given your baby her name.

Just announce that it’s a girl and her first name. Hopefully he will never find out!

zingally · 30/09/2019 08:35

You should absolutely use the name, if you like it, and you want to honour a particular person.

Yes, your cousin is very likely going to have feelings about the name, once it's announced, but that's not your problem, or your job to manage his feelings for him. Plus, he's, what? 45-50-ish? More than old enough to manage his own reactions.

Don't give it any more thought. Enjoy your future child and let him think/feel what he wants. Not your problem.

And also, how regularly are middle names thought about anyway? I'm pretty close with my cousins, we're of a similar age, they've got 5 kids between them, and I'm only certain of the middle names of 2 of their kids.

dottiedodah · 30/09/2019 08:41

If you use use the name as a middle name ,then no one will think anything of it surely?.We used the middle name of my favourite Aunt although we are very close to my Cousins anyway !

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