... to have thought I really knew by best friend, but I didn't

[bellmyring]

I have a long term best friend for 20+ years. Have a very close relationship meeting a few times a week for coffee/drink after work, families are close, our boys play sport together, went on vacation a few times together, always helped each other through various things like childcare, a few health issues, airport drops ... closer than any of my immediate family to be honest!

It was absolutely floored to be told she and DH are splitting up. The are very successful, no financial worries, kids in college, and always seemed like a great match for each other.

I wonder how I could have missed something like that with a close friend? I'd consider myself observant....obviously I'm not!

I feel so sad for their family, and disappointed with myself for not being more aware or supportive.

I'd say what's important is that your there for her now, she obviously wanted to keep her marriage problems between her and her husband, I doubt you'll be the only one surprised by this, people can be good at putting on a happy front. Just offer to support her any way you can

I had a phone all last year room my friend telling me her dh was having an affair and had left. They had been together 21 years and married for 18. I was flabbergasted, I had to phone her back to double check what she’s had said was true! It turns out that she had had her suspicions but didn’t want to act on them until she knew for definite!

Always came across as a loving couple who were devoted to each other but we’re obviously good at putting on a front.

Just be there to support and help your friend, She is going to need you.

They might have been happy until one day there was a big deal breaker. Maybe one of them was having an affair, or somehing else came out. Just be there for your friend.

Some people are very private about their relationship, you never know what’s going on behind closed doors and some are very careful about not letting it spilling over into other areas of their lives. And money and success make life easier, but marriage is complex and difficult and there can be many reasons they don’t work. Sometimes it’s as simple as one person falls out of love, which is very hard. There’s no guarantee you could’ve known if it was all kept quiet. Also some couples don’t discuss it with others just in case they manage to work through it, or telling people make it feel real.

The best thing to do now would be to be there for her, be supportive and make it clear you’re there if she needs to chat. Or maybe you could offer to look after her kids if she needs a break.

As MamaGee09 said they appeared a loving couple who were devoted to each other, and I really believe that still. Basically she has lost interest in sex over the past years, they've tried counseling and it did not resolve the issues, and instead it brought things to a head/conclusion (I'm wondering about whether that counseling was a good step?). My friend wants to remain married, living together, etc, just no sex.

Late 40s and both very active, fit, etc. and hopefully a long life ahead for both. It just feels so wrong. They are both great. At least the kids are grown up, there will be no financial issues, and both have a good support network, both have good jobs. Just feels so wrong

Some people hide things. I was in an abusive relationship and was so ashamed I hid it from everyone - too well. You are a good friend - be there for her now x

This happened with my closest cousin at around the same age and we were all flabbergasted as it seemed like a really happy family set up. In time it became apparent that she was gay and had hidden it for years. She left home, leaving her kids with her husband of 20 years and lived alone for a while, then after a year found a girlfriend then got a bit lost, losing contact with us for a while. We all had a big shock as she'd obviously been living a lie and been very unhappy for most of her life but hadn't felt able to confide to anyone. We've continued to be there for her but she pushed almost everyone away and has kept her distance, preferring to communicate sporadically by snail mail rather than see us in person or speak on the phone. Everything just changed seemingly out of the blue The

I realise what a shock must have come to you and it must feel a bit strange knowing that there must be alot she hasn't shared with you for a while, for her own reasons you don't understand yet and may never will.

All you can do is continue to be there for her and hope that she keeps opening up to you. You sound like a lovely, caring friend.

I know of a few seemingly happy couples that slip, drift apart in 40s/50s. Being of that age, if the kids are gone, then it gives more time to think and reflect about what is important in life, and how to spend the time left (without feeling too morbid!). People are also often more confident and know what they want, and what they do not want.

It seems a really valid reason to split if one partner does not want sex and one does, going forward that's a big issues. It is so common here on MN.

Frankly I'm not sure what I would do if I was in that situation. If DH never wanted to have sex again, then I'd propose an open marriage maybe? Very easy to saw in the abstract I guess?

So you know all the issues they've had around sex in the recent past and they've obv not got over that hurdle as they've been receiving counselling for it but it comes as a surprise the marriage isn't surviving? Sex is a big deal within a relationship for most people. If it's not happening and not being resolved I can see why they've called a halt to it?

I feel so sad for their family, and disappointed with myself for not being more aware or supportive

Honestly don’t. We were very similar. Massive shock to everyone we knew when we split.

I didn’t ask for support because I genuinely didn’t need it. We had an amicable split, and supported each other.

Don’t feel bad, just advise them you’ll be there if they need.

My friend wants to remain married, living together, etc, just no sex.

That's probably why it's a surprise to you. I'd bet his friends are not as surprised.

Late 40s and both very active, fit, etc. and hopefully a long life ahead for both. It just feels so wrong. They are both great. At least the kids are grown up, there will be no financial issues, and both have a good support network, both have good jobs. Just feels so wrong

They may well both be great - but if they both want different things, maybe it’s better for both of them to pursue them separately. As another poster has suggested, the ‘empty nest’ syndrome may have hit hard, and your friend’s husband is probably looking at his life thinking ‘I’m not even 50 and my sex life is already over if I stay in this marriage’. He could live another 30 - 40 years; that’s a bloody long time to be with someone if you’re no longer sure you can be happy together.

Is your post more about being annoyed that you didn’t know? That she didn’t tell you anything?

Loads of people keep their relationship issues relatively quiet or even completely quiet. Even to their closest friends, parents, children may not know about personal problems. Not everyone is up for spilling their private problems, I think it’s just as normal NOT to. You can be as close as you like to someone but you will never know everything, nor do you need to.

It’s obviously not something you need to feel guilty about not knowing, because why should you? Just be there, as I’m sure you will be, but be aware she still may not need you or want to spill any details.

Maybe she didn’t tell you because she didn’t want to. My husband and I had a tough few years due to a very private medical issue (mine, not his) and I didn’t tell my very close best friend until after it was all sorted out. Because it was between my husband and I.

Don’t make this about you.