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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fed up with parents always helping my sister

25 replies

Nicola1892 · 29/09/2019 13:41

My sister is 7 years older than me, I’m 27 she’s 34. My mum had her when she was 16 and my Nan brought her up for 7 years until my mum met my dad, got married, had me. My dad always treated her the same as me and her real dad has never been mentioned for years. She moved out with her boyfriend (now husband) when she was 16. We also moved to the same town they were now In and finally I got a decent sized bedroom and my parents even decorated it for the first ever time. Within the next year my sister was broke in a ridiculous amount of debt so my parents sold up and brought a bigger house so they could move back in and have their own living room. Once again I’m back in the box room! Couple of years later im 15 and about to do my GCSE’s and my niece is born. Yay! Well they let her scream all night every night so hey I flunked half my GCsEs as I was so god damn tired. Now my sister always hated me and beat me most my childhood, now I was bigger and could fight back my parents had enough and told them they need to move out, them and my grandparents gave them the deposit to move out as they couldn’t save and they were gone. Fast forward 10 years. I’m now married, 3 kids renting in a 2 bed. My sister married 2 kids in there own 2 bed house. My parents have brought them all there furniture, beds for the kids, cars, lent them money all the time as they pay for holidays whilst the kids are sleeping on the floor. I’m just fed up! We never ask for money and yet my sister has the cheek to ask my parents to swap houses with them as my parents have a 3 bed! We have 3 kids in 1 room and can’t get a 3 bed without 6 months deposit due to husband being self employed and I wouldn’t ever ask my parents for there house! Ever!!! And my
Parents just got a new car so my sister can have there old one. They earn £55k a year why can’t they sort a car out themselves! I’m literally ready to cut off all ties with my parents as I’m fed up of hearing about them helping my sister out all the time because they spent their money on shit!!
Feel like I’m the black sheep because I have my life in order

OP posts:

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/09/2019 13:55

Maybe it’s because your sister had a different upbringing to you that your mum parents differently. You had both your parents, she had no dad and lived elsewhere for most of her primary years.

What they spend their money on is up to them though in reality. Just ask them not to share what they are spending on so that the children don’t lose their grandparents by you going NC.

It sounds like you want help to get a bigger house too but it’s a choice to have three children in a two bedroom.

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 29/09/2019 14:05

Sorry... "let her scream all night every night" ... it was a baby. What were they meant to do? Put a muzzle on her. 🙄

Katex888 · 29/09/2019 14:18

I think this is unfair, your sister sounds selfish and spoilt. It doesn’t matter if she’s had a rocky start, she’s an adult now and her own family. She’s had her step son treat her as his own, so how hard up was her life exactly?

You need to tell your parents they have two daughters, and need to treat you both equally.

messolini9 · 29/09/2019 14:19

It sounds like you want help to get a bigger house too but it’s a choice to have three children in a two bedroom.

Glory be, only on Mumsnet is the impossibility of being able to afford housing with a bedroom apiece judged as a "choice" ...

Pringlesfortea · 29/09/2019 14:25

Try and have a chat with both your parents to say how you feel

katewhinesalot · 29/09/2019 14:25

You need to talk to your parents about how you feel in a non accusing way and factual way. Keep the emotion out of it and concentrate on how unfair you feel it is that they get to spend their money on fun things whilst you are sensible yet can't afford their lifestyle.

If it's affecting you wanting to have anything to do with them anyway, what have you got to lose?

MrsMaiselsMuff · 29/09/2019 14:26

Having three children is definitely a choice.

You sound jealous OP, and somewhat of a martyr. Your parents can say no to your sister if they want to, they don't so they help. If you're too stubborn to ask for help when you need it, that is entirely your problem

Original poster

Nicola1892 · 29/09/2019 14:31

My sisters life was fine growing up, yes she lived with my grandparents who’s gave her unconditional love, then when I was born we all moved into a big house together. Nan basically brought us up as mum and dad loved work. When Nan and Gramp moved out and we downsized I was left with my sister a lot who use to lock me out and best me. We all never had loads of money, clothes were from Charity shops but always had new shoes. When my sister moved out I spent a lot of time on my own, morning, evenings, school holidays.
Just want to clear it up, I don’t want my parents house. Whilst we are in a 2 bed (it’s very big) with 3 kids, we can afford a nice lifestyle and we live within our means. We both work and are lucky to be in the position we are in. We pay £950 for our 2 bed in a very nice estate. We love the estate, school, people etc. For us to have a 3 bed on the estate is £1300pcm or 4 bed £1600-1800pcm. We have decided to pay off all our credit and then save £10k which would be approx 6 months rent. I have made it clear to my parents I don’t want anything off them and I want them to enjoy themselves with their money. My sister and her husband earn good money but spend it on crap. They went to Disney Florida which cost them 13k for 3 weeks in April then come home and asked my parents for money for basic living within 2 weeks. Should this not piss me off? I know my parents have guilt about her upbringing but she is 100% taking advantage

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 29/09/2019 14:31

We have 3 kids in 1 room and can’t get a 3 bed without 6 months deposit due to husband being self employed and I wouldn’t ever ask my parents for there house! Ever!!!

Good. I wouldn't either.

But your sister is a different person and your parents as adults can choose to help her out when she does ask.

I think you need to let your feelings go before they consume you.

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 29/09/2019 14:43

It doesn’t sound like your sisters life was fine. Being brought up by a grandmother and not a mother for the first few years of her life is far from ideal and it’s sad that she had to wait for the maternal love she deserved. Then she moved out at 16 - while just a child herself - and you resent her for moving back in? To be honest she should have moved in. What was she meant to do instead? Be homeless? And you can’t blame her that her baby cried all night, that’s just ridiculous. It sounds like your mum helps her a lot but she probably feels like she owes her for abandoning her to be cared for by a grandmother for the first few years of her life. If you want help too then ask for help! But I don’t see how it affects you if your mum helps your sister. It’s not like you asked for help and she said no.

BumbleBeee69 · 29/09/2019 14:47

Cut these fuckers off OP, they see you and nothing and nobody. Cut the scum out from your life and move forward .. do not look back.

MmmBlowholes · 29/09/2019 14:50

We're all the main character of our own story.

Your sister's story probably isn't a barrel of laughs either and would probably read "my mum fucked me off to live with my grandma for 7 years"

It sounds like you had a rough time and, if you haven't already, I'd advise you to get some counselling in order to understand and move on.

Straycatstrut · 29/09/2019 14:51

I had this OP. My parents always favoured my younger brother, even though he was into drugs, theft and violence as a teen. It was "Awww poor misunderstood, depressed DS" whereas I was off to uni and "fine" (I really wasn't I was struggling with anxiety massively). My brother was hitting my mum at one point. He was supported, bought driving lessons and numerous cars. When I say cars I mean BMW's and Mercedes. They couldn't afford to do that for me so I have never learned to drive or had a car, I've never had the money do to that. He still lives with them (rent and bills free!!) even though he's on a good wage now (electrician) and they buy all his food, money for clothes. They paid off all his credit card debt. He's currently in New York as hey, he can afford it!

It definitely feels very unfair when parents do this for one child and not the other. All we can do is make sure we treat our own kids fairly when they're older. That and be proud that we can finanically support ourselves and try and ignore the greedy, CF sibling.

TheMustressMhor · 29/09/2019 14:56

I agree with you, OP. It's outrageous that your sister is expecting your parents to give her their house.

I hope you manage to get a bigger place yourself soon.

Singlenotsingle · 29/09/2019 14:56

You're very jealous, aren't t you OP? Maybe justifiably, but it's hurting you rather than her. And she's pushing it too far by asking your DM to swop houses, but maybe for your own sake, take a step back and be grateful for what you've got.

Katex888 · 29/09/2019 15:01

Why does everyone think OP is jealous? Why does it always boil down to jealousy for you people? Her sister used to beat her up for God’s sake. She and her husband sound like entitled failures, who spends 13k on a holiday with no money for food afterwards. She sounds like a little baby who needs to grow up and your parents are enabling her.

I’d have words with your parents and tell them you expect all the children and grandchildren to be treated equally.

BumbleBeee69 · 29/09/2019 15:08

One sister has everything handed to her on a plate, the other nothing... I think OP is entitled to feel fucked over... and not have people trot out the lazy 'your jealous' mantra ..

TheMustressMhor · 29/09/2019 15:32

OP doesn't sound jealous to me at all. Just fed up with this inequality.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 29/09/2019 15:58

OP sounds 12 and I highly doubt she has 3 kids while using terms like "let the baby cry all night".

OP if you have your life in order why would you need your parents to help you?! And you must have been pretty borderline with your GCSEs if you failed them over a baby moving in. Tons of kids deal with worse. And why would that still matter to you if you're now earning 55k??
I think you need to stop blaming the rest of your family for your problems. Entitled much?

Witchinaditch · 29/09/2019 16:06

If you don’t want anything off your parents and you’re happy and have a nice life what is the problem? It’s not really relevant if you and your sister fought when you were children, just live your life and be happy.

BecauseItIz · 29/09/2019 16:45

The only thing entitled about her post is that she is entitled to feel how she feels.

The sisters behaviour is outrageous.

I hope you manage to get a bigger house soon.

hazell42 · 29/09/2019 17:33

If you are going to nurse every single hurt to your bosom you are going to be very miserable indeed.
Some of these complaints go back to childhood, for goodness sake.
Your sister is probably one of those people who asks for help

I bet you are one of those who silently seethe, but never actually asks for help because you expect someone to notice and offer you help unasked.
I have 4 kids
If one of them was in trouble, regardless of whose fault it was, I would be ready to lend a hand. But I wouldn't then go round to the other 3 making sure that they got a hand out too just to even things up.
Grow up an get over you jealousy. If you need help, ask. If you dont need help, stop moaning and count your blessings

Unknownanon · 30/09/2019 11:53

I'm not surprised you are upset. Aside from the favouritism materially, how could they let your sister abuse you through your childhood? That's horrific, I'd cut them off for that alone.

Aprillygirl · 30/09/2019 12:23

Sounds like your mum helped out your sister to try to make make up for palming her off onto your grandparents as a baby. And then again they had to give her money when she was older to get rid of her (for your sake, might I add). I wouldn't be surprised if your sister is as jealous of you-with your settled life living with your mum and biological dad-as you are of her. Not many happy kids move out of the family home at the tender age of 16, so yes she may have had a bit more money chucked at her, but I personally don't think you have anything to be jealous about.

BumbleBeee69 · 30/09/2019 20:47

OP I think you've been shafted your entire life, why you Parents favour your scam artist sister is not clear, but they do, and I don't blame you for considering no contact with these idiots, who don't see you as relevant in their lives.

Jealousy doesn't come into it at all, and it's just lazy to suggest such. It's Parents treating two children substantially differently, to the financial benefit to one not the other, albeit they are now adult children, but it started as children. It's not funny and it's not fair. So close the door on them OP, FUCK them.

Good luck OP.

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