Long.
Just over three years ago, my mom, 64, died quite suddenly and unexpectedly. She lived in a different country (my birth country). I had known she was ill (some sort of stomach pain/fever which wasn't going away), had checked into hospital, was doing tests, there was some talk that it was the pancreas, and the next thing I know, I get a 3am call from my brother saying she had died in the hospital from a massive coronary.
Anyway. Fast forward 3 years. During this time, I got separated and then divorced, my ex moved back to our home country, I finished the postgrad degree that I had been enrolled in at the time, had some short-term positions before getting a more "proper" permanent position, great colleagues, flexible working hours, single mom to two teen DCs who are active and smart and seem to have a fairly normal school/social life (honestly have no idea, we joke with other moms about their double lives), started dating again, now have a kind respectful lovely bf of almost a year where things seem great, nice supportive friend circle etc. Just last night I hosted a dinner party, I made a lovely meal from my home country, great conversation, wine, kids happy and all that.
My point, on the surface everything seems fine- there are life irtants, kids fighting, not doing chores, but I am the kind of person where my friends turn to for life advice ffs! But I feel like I never had time to properly grieve for my mother- my ex separated from me and asked for divorce 40 days after her death (we "joke" that he was too scared of her to do that while she was alive), then I just focused on studies/work/children to keep sane. I keep a very busy work schedule now, volunteering and picking up projects that I don't need, to keep myself distracted. This morning I am waking up like there is a hole in my body, tears in my eyes. We are four siblings and we had a great relationship when my mom was alive, since then we have had horrible fights (all four of us in different combinations) and now we can barely tolerate each other. I feel like I hate one of my brothers and my sister where we used to be so close. (like texting and chatting all the time). I had some counselling soon after my mom's death. which was helpful, but really more focused on my imploding marital relationship, court, etc. I sleep with one of my mom's silk scarves in my bed (that we bought together, that she was wearing for her postgrad degree oral exams like 30 years ago) . Right now I am wearing pjs that she had bought for me, it's all torn at the hems up to the knees and I found myself thinking I should tear into pieces and keep it in my bed too. This is not normal, right? What should I do?