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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Establishing boundaries / colleague has a crush on me

20 replies

SweatyUnderboob · 29/09/2019 11:45

I work in the capacity of an internal consultant in my organisation and therefore spend time with different departments. I recently realised that a collegue I am working closely with at the minute has developed a crush on me, which is awkward because it's not reciprocated. And also I don't swing that way. I know this doesn't really make a difference, but it is unchartered territory for me.

I have to see this person quite a lot - they convinced my boss that I should go and sit in their department to get a true feel for what happens. So I now sit next to them.

I thought we were getting on quite well until I realised that her feelings for me are more than platonic. Maintaining good relationships is part of the role. I am quite personable and warm, but to a point as I am also quite introverted. I need a lot of space to recharge my batteries and don't like to feel fenced in.

I am feeling somewhat suffocated at the minute. I think she knows this as she has backed off in some ways - like not texting on evenings and weekends. But there is still a lot of fangirling, compliments on my clothes, hair, abilities, coming over and picking my things up and asking what they are.

I've taken counsel about this (outside of work, although another colleague has picked up on the crush) and know that I need to keep re-establishing the boundaries. I have had problems with boundaries in the past, and tend to feel guilty about doing so.

I would like to know if I would be unreasonable re: saying something re: the following:

I have ADD and it takes me time to process large chunks of information. My brow furrows when I am concentrating. Often when I am trying to concentrate she will say something like "Come on, what are you thinking? Out with it" or huff and puff and try and anticipate what I am thinking. I don't have a problem vocalising my thoughts - it feels like she is trying to crawl inside my head! Can I say that this makes me uncomfortable?

I use some fidget toys to help me focus and when I initially moved desks, she made a point of going in my desk drawer whilst I wasn't there, showing them to everyone, and then telling me afterwards because it was just so cool. I don't like the fact that she thinks it's ok to go in my drawers. Can I tell her this makes me uncomfortable?

If we are working together and I need her to explain something to me, often she will scribble all over my notepad or whatever I have printed out. I hate this as it feels like she is coming into my space.

It's a delicate subject as I don't want to hurt her feelings or seem petty. In the past, in other situations I have let things mount up and then ended up losing my temper, which I am trying to avoid.

OP posts:

SuchAToDo · 29/09/2019 11:51

Is she a colleague or are you senior to her at work (like a manager/boss/supervisor)...

If you are her colleague, write dates be times of everything and show it to HR and your supervisor/boss/manager

If you actually are the boss/supervisor/manager then just take her aside and tell her that you appreciate the job she is doing but you need to go over a few things with her regarding remaining professional/respecting boundaries in the workplace and then just say what you need to say in a calm way...

Original poster

SweatyUnderboob · 29/09/2019 12:06

She is my colleague. Do you think the above examples are valid enough to take to HR though? I don't think they are.

For those who have voted that AIBU, could you please elaborate? I would really like to make sense of it in my head.

OP posts:

Galaxygirl93 · 29/09/2019 12:12

You have mentioned you don't "swing that way" if you are a woman and she is a lesbian/bisexual can you drop some hints maybe mention it in conversation about having a date with a man? That way you are letting her know you are straight, and avoiding the awkward - are you flirting with me- conversation. She may just be overly friendly?

Original poster

SweatyUnderboob · 29/09/2019 12:24

@Galaxygirl93
I have done that already! It was her reaction to that that gave me the first inkling.

There is a very specific feeling I get when someone who is attracted to me is staring at me. She stares all the time when she thinks I am not looking.

But also, she has invited me round to her house several times and I have been non-comittal. I know I need to say at some point that I think it would be best to keep personal and professional lives separate.

OP posts:

Solongtoshort · 29/09/2019 12:28

Going in your draw is invading your. I would just say at the time please don’t write on my work l find this rude.

Just start being direct, there’s nothing wrong with being warm and assertive.

Ilovemyhairbeingstroked · 29/09/2019 12:30

How do you know she has a crush on you ? Because some of the things you have described sounds like she doesn’t really like you ?

Original poster

SweatyUnderboob · 29/09/2019 12:39

@ilovemyhairbeingstroked

The staring, the compliments, the "let me get that for you!", telling everyone how great I am, the out of work texting (that has now tailed off), the invites to her house to hang out, the offer for me to stay at her house, hints for us to meet up on the weekend (we live in separate towns), but mostly the staring.

Its like she wants to know everything about me.

OP posts:

waterrat · 29/09/2019 12:47

God this would drive me nuts. She is behaving very unprofessionally. I've fancied people at work before and I would never behave like this. It just totally inappropriate.

I think you do need to work on boundaries though actually I think that can be hard in a work context as we often want to avoid open conflict.

Remember the key to being assertive is firstly that you are polite and clear in order to avoid later flipping and actually being ryde. Also. I think a key part of assertiveness is that you take control for how you speak - her reaction or feeling is not you responsibility. Be polite and clear and withdrawn.

I think you need to really pull back here. Be firm in telling her not to touch your things etc. Yes she might be offended but she will get the message.

Can you move away from her desk ??

waterrat · 29/09/2019 12:48

Cut down on the warmth. She needs to feel clearly that you don't want a close relationship with her even in a work context.

Original poster

SweatyUnderboob · 29/09/2019 12:53

Thanks @waterrat . You are right, I definitely need to work on boundaries. I have spent years in therapy and it always comes back to boundaries.

Some of the things were ok until I realised she fancied me, but you are right, I should think about generally toning everything down. It's like I've been careening along and now need to brake sharply, that is the difficult part.

I have asked to move desks again, but the incompetence of my own line manager is another topic in itself.

OP posts:

palahvah · 29/09/2019 13:10

Given what's happened it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to ask for quiet chat and let her know that it made you feel uncomfortable that she went into your desk drawers so please don't do it again.

If she does huff + puff again when you are trying to verbalise your thoughts then it's fine to take a deep breath and say "please don't do that".

You don't need to reference thinking that she has a crush on you. It's easier to address specific behaviour that is unhelpful or inappropriate.

palahvah · 29/09/2019 13:12

Ps - are you coaching this person or their team? If that's the nature of your role I wouldn't be surprised if this happens again - people are naturally inclined to attachment to those who help them or listen unconditionally. Does anyone else in your type of role, inside or outside the company, have any tips for dealing with attachments like this?

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 29/09/2019 13:12

Are you SURE she has a crush on you?! How can you be sure if she hasn’t told you? Maybe she’s just a bit odd and really likes you and isn’t sure how to act around you? A crush a big assumption.

Elieza · 29/09/2019 13:15

She maybe doesn’t fancy you as much as sees you as a cool role model to copy and that’s why she’s wanting to get inside your head and your desk drawers (as opposed to ‘drawers’ as in underwear, ha ha) etc? She should t be doing that though.
Either way it’s not an easy situation to be in, sorry I don’t have any suggestions as I wouldn’t know what to do either.

Tonnerre · 29/09/2019 13:17

The staring

"Why are you staring? Shouldn't you be getting on with your work?"

the compliments, the "let me get that for you!", telling everyone how great I am, the out of work texting (that has now tailed off)

Ignore all these, respond to "Let me get that for you" with "No thanks, I'm perfectly capable and I'm sure you have your own work to do.

the invites to her house to hang out, the offer for me to stay at her house, hints for us to meet up on the weekend (we live in separate towns)

"I don't want to meet up with you/come to your house, and that is not going to change. Please stop asking."

If none of this works, you need to consider escalating it into a formal complaint. It would also be worth talking to other people about whether they also have noticed the staring etc so that they can back you up.

If your line manager is too incompetent to organise a desk move, can you go above his or her head?

RhinoskinhaveI · 29/09/2019 13:20

She sounds domineering and controlling.

Ilovemyhairbeingstroked · 29/09/2019 13:24

Maybe explain about your ADD and play on it a bit . Say you can’t focus your attention on work productively if people in general (not specifically say it’s her ) are too much into your own personal space . Or perhaps send her a gently worded email , saying that you would like her to back off a bit .

Original poster

SweatyUnderboob · 29/09/2019 13:33

@palahvah
I am not coaching them directly, but my role is commonly likened to business psychiatrist, or business detective. So yes, I could look at it through the lens of patient transference. That is a really good point actually - thank you! There were some difficulties on the project before I joined and I have managed to take it forward and untangle some knotty problems, so I've been getting lots of praise for that.
I do suffer from imposter syndrome so now I wonder if I am actually good at my job or it's just that she likes me.

@Icantthinkofanewname87
I am pretty sure it's crush yes. Another colleague who is more of a friend as I don't work with her directly met her and noticed it right away.

If it's easier then I can say that she wants more from me than I am prepared to give. I didn't want to be accused of drip feeding, because I have already concluded it's about boundaries regardless of her motivation, I just wanted to know if I was BU about those issues as they are petty taken on their own.

I am looking into assertiveness training right now!

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 29/09/2019 13:33

Can you have gentle words with her about how you’re feeling suffocated? Go to your line manager and TELL him/her that you’re moving desks and that you don’t need to be as close to her.

palahvah · 29/09/2019 13:42

Glad it was helpful!

I can see how it's a problem that a lot of people in similar roles would face - we have plenty and it often involves reasonably intense periods of working away from home which doesn't help with blurring the lines on socialising with colleagues/outside work.

It sounds entirely likely that you are good at your job. It is entirely possible that she also has a crush on you - whether that's as a mentor, role model, friend, object of desire, doesn't matter. If the behaviour is inappropriate then call that out. Neither the behaviour or how she feels about you needs to negate your competence at your job.

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