I’m struggling

[whenwillitbeover]

Ive Name changed for this as I don’t want it to be linked to my other posts.

I’m really struggling lately feeling really sad and down with life. I’m 48 so im not sure this is normal or not but I keep thinking about all the negative things that have happened in my life how I wish my life was different. I feel bad thinking like this because I feel as if that means I regret having my children and I don’t. I love them so much.

I feel as if the most important people that have been in my life have let me down in one way or another. My parents were alcoholics, my gran, aunts and uncles didn’t do anything to make sure I was looked after okay. I know my parents loved me but they loved their alcohol more and of course their cigarettes. There was never enough money to make sure I was clothed properly but they made sure they have enough for their drink and cigarettes.

I was bullied at school, I would go to school looking like a tramp and struggled with school, but teachers didn’t do anything about it.

I was bullied at school. You know how you get someone in school that no one likes to play with, well that was me. I was even bullied by the kids who stayed local to me that didn’t go to my school. I remember being so scared to go out.

I met my husband when I was at high school. I was besotted with him. He could be really horrible to me but I would never leave him. I was never one to have any attention from boys so when we went out I thought “I’m going to keep him cos I will never get another boyfriend”.

When we were getting married, I remember thinking I’m not sure if this is what I want but I went ahead with it because it was better than staying with my parents in that tip of a house with them fighting and being drunk all the time.

My husband did eventually have an affair I found out about it. He said the usual or meant nothing blah blah......it only ended after I found out about it and even then he was still seeing her for a little while. Said he wanted to make sure she was okay, but wasn’t calling me to see if I was okay. And you’ve probably guessed we are still together. At the time when I found out about the affair I thought I will never get another man in my life, I will be alone forever. By this point I had 2 kids, we had no savings, I wasn’t working and I didn’t have anywhere to go and I knew for a fact he wouldn’t have moved out.

I think my husband regrets his affair, he is a changed man now, but I feel weak and pathetic. I feel as if I was put on this earth as a cruel joke because of some of the things that have happened to me throughout my life, some of the things that have been said to me by other people.

I’ve been feeling really bad over the past few weeks. In the past I have went to counselling (quite a few sessions) but it hasn't made any different whatsoever. I feel it’s a waste of time. I’ve tried different councillors but none of them have made any difference.

I have absolutely no self esteem. One councillor said he had never met anyone with such a low opinion of themselves or with such low self esteem.

I feel just a mess or is what I’m feeling normal at this stage in my life which is late 40’s?

This could have been me, I’ve always had a similar experience through my life so I know how you feel. You are better than this, it isn’t ok for your life to be this way it’s making you unhappy and you’re entitled to make the changes you want to improve that. Your husband is a disgrace. I’m sorry I can’t help with how to move forward as I’m still struggling with that myself but I wanted to let you know you are important and your children need you, you sound like a great person don’t let anyone get you down. If you need anyone to talk to feel free to pm me any time

I think you need to talk to your GP. You sound depressed and isolated, and like you need some proper support. Have you tried talking to your practice nurse about support groups.
You have managed so much more than me, you have two children who no doubt love you, you have managed to maintain a marriage, but you definitely need to spend some time on you.
How old are your children? Can you explain to them that you are feeling low? Are they in a position to help? You may find they have been waiting for you to ask. When was the last time you had a holiday. Or some time away, or even just a day of self indulgent rest.

Thank you for replying. MintJulia my children are 20 and 14. The oldest is never around much now and I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling him how I feel. My youngest is too young to tell him how I feel and he would worry about me and I don’t want to do that to him.

I can spend a lot of time on myself but it doesn’t make any difference and I’ve given up on counselling it just hasn’t worked in the past. I’ve also been told the resentment and low self esteem is just too deep routed, so I can’t see anything working.

I would never ever hurt myself, I couldn’t do that to my children, but sometimes, just sometimes I can’t wait for the day when I leave this earth, then all the pain i feel will go away.

You’re right, your eldest is still a bit young but I really think you need a bit of backup. Have you tried your practice nurse? You shouldn’t feel like that and be on your own.
And I’d want my money back from such a useless counsellor.
You can always pm me if you're struggling,. I’m on here far too much.
My son is 11 so I’ve just done school run and now I’m at work before the key holder.
What do you do for a job? J x