About sperm donors?

[needingdonorsperm]

AIBU to wonder if there is a way of having a child using donor sperm but not fertility treatment?

It's not about not doing it because a child may resent it OP, I get the impression Butchy is actually being helpful and saying these are considerations.
As in examine your thoughts and be able to tell your child(ren!) how they came about.
I think this way of creating a family will be increasingly common.
Personally I'd prefer a vetted, screened, set up via a clinic than an Internet donor. They can also offer counselling if you feel it would help.

IUI. Get most tests required via NHS and then pay for anonymous donor sperm (about 950 per sample from London Bank - all fully checked and tested) and then pay for IUI at the clinic. Each round will cost about 900. So each shot will be about 2000 a go.

Vlad you really don’t understand

I think Vlad’s suggestion is horrendous and would put OP’s health at risk, not something a woman should be encouraged to do at any time, far less a woman seeking to get pregnant.

Yes it is possible. I often wonder about sperm donors, how do they feel knowing they have probably fathered children they will never know & is it fair to the children.

It's different if someone you know donates sperm for you to use and everything is above board.

@VladmirsPoutine You're replying to the OP; she was the one who responded with a shocked face.

@needingdonorsperm Just to understand this; no judging.

Would fertility treatment be an option financially if you could find somewhere that would treat you? I think it's about £2k a go. That would mean the sperm has been vetted, and the donor isn't involved, although your child would be able to look up who their father is when they are 18, I believe.

Or are you looking for a private arrangement? My concern there would be that the father could change their mind about not wanting contact, and I don't think you'd be able to come to any legal agreement against that. So it'd be potentially cheaper; and maybe easier, but it has more risks.

I wouldn't be able to make Vlads suggestion work morally, but that would have the same risks, if the father ever found out or suspected that the child was his. Perhaps if you went far away, you could reduce chances, but a lifetime is a long time and you couldn't guarantee that it wouldn't happen.

And you'd have any potential issues around the child wanting to know their father or not knowing their medical history if it's a stranger, in addition.

I would look at the donor concieved persons movement that is currently gaining traction.
There are lots of considerations. Regardless of the whole sti risk, you have no idea of the genetic back ground of a random donor. There is lots of difficulties with some unregulated donors having huge numbers of offspring (think in the hundreds) which not only can cause difficulties with dc's romantic life but also lots of doncor concieved people find the idea of having hundreds of unknown siblings distressing and can limit their ability to build connections with donor siblings later in life.

There are lots more safeguards that come through clinic regulation that have been hard fought for by donor concieved adults

I used the app "Just a Baby" to find my donor. Went though a few potentials and I'm meeting up with one next week to check we're all on the same page.

Beware of men who are just looking to get laid without a condom. Those types will have "NI" written on their profiles (Natrual Insemination). AI (artificial insemination) is the wank-in-a-cup style donor.

Anchor I’m really confused by your post sorry

OP I think the point @Butchyrestingface is trying to make is that you talk about not wanting the Father to have any access to the child but you need to consider what the child wants - if the child actively wanted to find their Father and sought them out how would you cope with that?

That is by no means me pssing any judgement on your decisions, by all means if you want a child then you’ll make it work. You just need to consider how you’ll feel if that child wants to at least meet their Father in years to come and therefore whether using a clinic would allow you to support your future child in funding their biological Father

And I have answered

Vlad you really don’t understand

Ok. Hope it all works out for you whatever you choose to do.

Hi all, I'm thinking of ordering from Sellmerdiers - has anyone used them? They're a bit cheaper than Cryos who don't deliver to home addresses anyway now.

@MrsC2019 ive been looking into doing this. it is cheaper but i still think you need the sperm to be delivered to a health care provider not sure they actually deliver to your house. It also comes packaged in Nitrogen just wondering how you would defost and handle the Nitrogen. I would be worried about the Nitrogen burning or killing me when defrosting 🤣🤣

I met with a couple of men from a popular co-parenting website - maybe I am way too picky or sensitive, but all of them raised my hair in (not a good) a way. Many of them claimed they wanted to be in the child's life, but were so obviously after unprotected sex. One clearly was very disturbed, and I was scared for some time that he would be stalking / following me.

Haha henny don't worry you wont kill yourself, you pull the straws of sperm out on a bit of metal then it only takes 20 mins to come to room temperature ready to use.

@juneybean thanks for clearing that one up glad it doesnt sound so risky now.
Have you tried DIY insemination does it work?

I'm currently pregnant following DIY AI, and my partner and I found the donor on a co-parenting website, so it's definitely possible!

We found plenty of would-be donors who didn't want to co-parent and were happy with the kind of arrangement we were after.

It's maybe a little easier for us in that we're married and so my partner is automatically our baby's legal parent, but I know quite a few people for whom this is not the case who have nevertheless had babies this way. I think your best bet would be to draw up a sperm donor agreement that you both sign; they aren't technically legally binding, but should provide more than enough evidence to convince a court that you both went into the arrangement "eyes open". There's quite a good precedent for this, and lots of good info and templates for agreements etc online.

Aside from that, my advice would be to get them to have an STI check/fertility test/whatever makes you comfortable and show you the results (though I do know people who have actually gone to the clinic with the donor etc, just to be certain!).

Meet them in a public place as many times as you need to feel comfortable; if you get a bad feeling from them, don't be afraid to call it off. If they're legit, it shouldn't be a problem for them to meet up a few times. Don't give them any personal details until you're comfortable doing so etc etc. General "meeting strangers" stuff!

Be honest with what you want from this, and expect them to be the same—it should ring major alarm bells if they don't answer your questions directly or acknowledge your responses to their Qs.

We had quite a lot of message/email contact in the first instance, to weed out the creeps, but also (being cynical) to get it in writing that
they understood and were on board with what we were looking for. I found the creeps showed themselves very early on—we only ended up actually meeting one guy who turned out to be a wrong'un, and again, it was immediately obvious (was funny about STI check, wouldn't tell us his real name, was generally cagey).

Oh, and it's really good for making things less awkward if you discuss in advance exactly how things are going to go down on the day (eg no small talk, do the deed in the bathroom—I'll leave the sample pot out by the sink—then be on your way and we'll let you know in a couple of weeks). Definitely have someone else in the house/wherever you're doing it with you at least until the donor has gone too.

Agh, this is long! Hope it's of some use at least...
Good luck!

My DW and I have found a donor using Pride Angel (in fact the AI was two weeks ago now), and we're currently waiting to do a pregnancy test. Period is late so we're both crossing our fingers.

We paid the gentleman's travel costs and a hotel for the night as it was a very long journey. He also provided official documents for a full STD check, alongside identity papers. And a contract detailing that the child would be legally mine and he would have no contact with any resulting child.

Good luck to you (and us)! :D

Google Home insemination

Wow, they’re really expanding

You sound very selfish - "I just want a child" - just because you don't need a father for your child doesn't mean that your child doesn't need a father

There was a study done that 30% of intentionally fatherless children - ie donor children - had mental health concerns surrounding the fact

@Hennysmommy I did however I later discovered I was infertile so it was all fruitless! It does work though! :)

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted I am gay, my child won't have a father. So are you suggesting that children of lesbian parents will have mental health concerns?

Anyone else humming Ace of Base after reading @VladmirsPoutine ‘s suggestion?

Or are you looking for a private arrangement? My concern there would be that the father could change their mind about not wanting contact, and I don't think you'd be able to come to any legal agreement against that.

Of course you can! You'd draw up a donor agreement in which there are no rights or responsibilities on either side. The father can change his mind all he likes but won't have any legal claim on the child, nor will the child have any right to claim anything from the father. You obviously can't prevent them finding each other and doing so, but you won't need to fear he'd come knocking and it'd be out of your hands.