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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stick to my guns about this holiday.

18 replies

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 29/09/2019 08:02

Very acrimonious split from stbxh over a year ago. He is still very angry I left even though I did so due to his escalating violence towards me.

We have a child arrangement order in place through the courts for our 2 dc aged 3 and 2. The kids adore him

As per court order he has requested additional contact to take the children on holiday next month for a week. I said yes and asked him to advise where they were going. He said once booked he would advise.

His anger towards me has escalated recently (because I refuse to drop my cms claim) and now he is refusing to tell me where they are going. It must be in the UK as I have their passports but surely I should know where they will be?

My sols has said I don’t have to let them go BUT I really don’t want to make things any worse!

Aibu to want to know where my toddlers will be for a week?

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 29/09/2019 08:04

YANBU to want to know, but unless it explicitly says so in the court order he isn’t obliged to tell you.

I’m surprised at your solicitor advising you don’t have to let them go. I think that’s rather risky advice unless he’s specifically breaching any aspect of the court order.

Have you concerns about his ability to care for them?

KatnissMellark · 29/09/2019 08:05

YANBU

Moomin8 · 29/09/2019 08:07

2 and 3 is very young. You definitely should know where they are. Your ex is putting his feelings above the welfare of the children and using them against you which is disgusting.

ForalltheSaints · 29/09/2019 08:09

YANBU, even if you were 100% sure they would be well cared for. What if you are taken ill, and need to let him know?

Moomin8 · 29/09/2019 08:09

It's sounds like the court order says that the OP's ex can request extra contact times for holidays but presumably this is at the OP's discretion which is why the solicitor is saying that the OP can refuse.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 29/09/2019 08:18

It's ridiculous to expect you let your DC go without knowing where they are.

Tonnerre · 29/09/2019 08:43

I assume the point is that he can take the children on holiday if OP agrees, OP agreed on the condition that he would tell her where they would be, but now he is going back on that.

I'm in two minds about it. Instinctively I would of course want to know where they were. However, realistically there isn't anywhere in the UK that is unsafe for them to go to, so unless you plan to go to stay nearby in practical terms it makes no difference so long as you have a contact number for your ex. If, say, one of them became unwell, you are still dependent on your ex letting you know about that, whether you already know where they are or not.

FamilyOfAliens · 29/09/2019 08:44

However, realistically there isn't anywhere in the UK that is unsafe for them to go to

It’s not the place that would be dangerous. It’s the ex’s behaviour.

honeylulu · 29/09/2019 08:50

My first thought is that he isn't actually planning to take them anywhere, just trying to be disruptive. Getting you all worried and anxious as he refuses to tell you anything and floats at your discomfort. Then you'll make other plans for that week, tell nursery they won't be in etc. Then at the last minute he'll say he can't/ won't be taking them at all because why should he babysit your children for free?

honeylulu · 29/09/2019 08:50

Gloats not floats.

Original poster

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 29/09/2019 09:17

Thank you all so much.

I don’t have any concerns about his ability to look after them. He is evil to me but great with the kids. I think it’s more if I hear about an incident/accident etc somewhere in the country I can know whether to worry or not.

Anyway it’s resolved. Just had a lovely convo with my ex mil who has told me they are staying home but doing lots if day trips with extended family. We have agreed if he plays these games in future I can just ask her. He will think he has “won” by not telling me but I’m not bothered about that I just want to know my kids are safe.

OP posts:

FamilyOfAliens · 29/09/2019 09:34

Your MIL sounds very sensible. Glad it’s been resolved.

Tonnerre · 29/09/2019 09:38

I too am glad it's resolved, but can't his mother tell him to grow up and stop playing stupid games?

JacquesHammer · 29/09/2019 09:39

I think it’s more if I hear about an incident/accident etc somewhere in the country I can know whether to worry or not

Honestly I know it’s hard but this way madness lies. Even if there’s an incident/accident in the vicinity, the chances of it involving them are slim to none. Plus if it did you would hear.

Glad you have a good relationship with MIL and the situation has been sorted.

Original poster

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 29/09/2019 10:02

tonnerre she has tried many many times!

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 29/09/2019 10:40

I too am glad it's resolved, but can't his mother tell him to grow up and stop playing stupid games?

Do you all take notice of your parents still?

And the type of man he sounds, it's highly unlikely that he would anyway.

GiveMeHope103 · 29/09/2019 10:54

Its brilliant that you have a good relationship with his mum and she can see right from wrong. yanbu your babies are still too young for you to not know where they are.

Tonnerre · 30/09/2019 00:08

Do you all take notice of your parents still?

Depends which parent. My mother no, my father yes.

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