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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Double booking AIBU

22 replies

Kwizzo · 29/09/2019 01:36

Arranged a meal with some friends to celebrate an occasion, told in advance.

Friend messaged asking if I wanted to do something the night of my event (had obviously forgotten) - I responded that it sounded good but it was actually my event that night and were they still coming. They laughed it off and said yes they would be.

Another of the attendees apologised when I reminded and said they were double booked and could no longer make it.

Luckily most are still coming but aibu to be annoyed and frustrated? Both were done so casually and make me feel a bit insignificant

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 29/09/2019 01:41

How many have you got coming? People being what they are, I think a mere 2 flakes out of a group could potentially be considered good going.

It depends on the event too to some extent, I think.

Original poster

Kwizzo · 29/09/2019 01:46

Fair point, around ten coming. These two were amongst the closest to me and I would never do similar to them - how hard is it to remember a date?!

The event is a big celebration as I’ve got a new job

OP posts:

Original poster

Kwizzo · 29/09/2019 01:47

(And finished my phd!)

OP posts:

painauchocolat84 · 29/09/2019 07:11

YABU to be annoyed

whiteroseredrose · 29/09/2019 07:29

YANBU to be annoyed.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 29/09/2019 07:48

You’re obviously not insignificant to at least one of them because she wanted to meet up with you!

And the other one, I would just put under making a mistake...it happens (Im an absolute dab hand at balancing my calendar in my head and for the first time ever, double booked myself for Yesterday...mistakes happen, it has absolutely no baring on my feelings towards the first friend I made plans with)

VeThings · 29/09/2019 07:49

How long ago did you arrange it? Did you send reminders?

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 29/09/2019 07:56

Gosh a big celebration for a new job? Do people do that? I can see why people have flaked. No offence it’s just something you will be far more excited about than other people.

Tonnerre · 29/09/2019 08:35

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat, did you miss the bit about the PhD? That's a major accomplishment, well worth celebrating.

Rezie · 29/09/2019 08:36

One of the reasons why I don't want to organize anythting is because people are flakes. There is now this mentality that cancelling is totally fine and it can be done the same day.

Oblomov19 · 29/09/2019 08:38

This would really upset me, deep down.

You then realise that they are not the friend you think they are, not as invested as you, and you slowly let them go.

picklemepopcorn · 29/09/2019 08:38

"how hard is it to remember a date?!"
Really hard, for some people! Just because you find that kind of organisation easy, doesn't mean other people do.

I don't remember dates, took me years to learn family birthdates. I also don't remember where I am in relation to a date- I have to use a diary and refer to it constantly .

PurpleDaisies · 29/09/2019 08:38

painauchocolat84

YABU to be annoyed

Today 07:29 whiteroseredrose

YANBU to be annoyed.

That is mumsnet summarised in two posts.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 29/09/2019 08:45

Sometimes people forget! It is a huge occasion in your life. You have spent a very long time working towards it. Whilst you have been doing that your friends have also been getting on with THEIR busy lives. So, forgetting something is natural. It happens.
You have no idea why the second friend can't make it. It could be for any reason. Most unlikely of them being that they just can't be bothered.

I think you are being unreasonable.

Oblomov19 · 29/09/2019 09:25

Forget a date? Don't most people use a phone? I put every ds's dentist appointment etc immediately into my phone.

Some people use a diary.

But even more important if it was something that actually interested you or you cared about you wouldn't forget.

If you care about and are interested in your .......best friend then you wouldn't forget her birthday / wedding / party/ or anything else, because you would be thinking about her and reminding yourself that her party was next July etc.

Surely, it's more about whether you give the other person any thought at all?

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 29/09/2019 09:32

I did miss that @Tonnerre but my point still stands. It’s not that exciting for other people. Just go for a meal with your partner, Parents if around and maybe siblings.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 29/09/2019 09:34

Oblomov19, I care about a lot of people in my life. Family, friends, children, work colleagues, in-laws. Sometimes occasions clash and I have to pick one. Sometimes there's so much else going on in a given week that something slips my mind (even if I've left myself a reminder somewhere). Sometimes due to the many and various stresses of living a busy life being a working mother of 4 who has marriage trouble at the moment then occasionally I don't WANT to go to a friend's event and I might not want to explain exactly why. People tend to take great offense at being told "I don't want to" despite mumsnet telling people "No" is a complete sentence.

This is an important occasion in your life OP. It does not hold the same significance for your friends who have their own stuff going on. Out of 10 people invited it seems 9 are going. What's the problem?

Secretbadlife · 29/09/2019 09:57

It's a bit annoying but just let it go and enjoy your evening esp if they are both good friends otherwise. One of my friends totally forgot my birthday this year and I mean totally she hasn't even realised and it's been a while. One of my other friends who sends a card has sent them late for the last few years with some trite excuse. I just let it go but at the time was a bit peeved about both as I always remember theirs. Just be happy that you have 8 other friends there for you. Some people would consider themselves to have so many friends. Well done on your PhD BTW!

Ponoka7 · 29/09/2019 10:08

I think if it was your Birthday etc, you'd be right to be upset.

As it's a one of date, if people don't use a calender (of any type) it's easy to forget. Are you more organised than your friends?

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat, well eight of the OP's friends do want to celebrate it with her and one that forgot, wants to do something. So your reasoning doesn't stand. Not everyone is in an insular relationship, we value our friendships and friends.

As said, one contacted you to do something.

I use a paper diary, or i let people down.

Don't let it spoil your night or friendships.

73Sunglasslover · 29/09/2019 10:11

One of the reasons why I don't want to organize anythting is because people are flakes. There is now this mentality that cancelling is totally fine and it can be done the same day.

Totally agree. My sister does this all the time and it's pretty much ruined our relationship. Highly self-centered and really rude. And if you actually do mess up and do this accidentally you should be really, really sorry. Not just a perfunctory 'sorry'.

MyNewBearTotoro · 29/09/2019 10:21

The first friend YABU to be annoyed. She clearly cares about you as she invited you to the second event, and as soon as you pointed out that was the date of your meal she cancelled the other thing and re-committed to yours. Considering your meal out isn’t an annual thing such as a birthday it’s hardly a big deal that she forgot the date, it’s easily done particularly if you planned the event a long time in advance.

With the second friend I guess it would depend what she’s double booked with; obviously a family event such as a birthday/ anniversary/ christening etc is likely to take precedence over a meal for a friend’s new job/ phd. It might be that suddenly a friend or family member who moved away and she hasn’t seen for months has suddenly announced they’re visiting on that day. It might be a one-off event she’s been given tickets to that won’t come around again for years and she can’t miss. Whilst it’s generally right to honour an invitation you’ve said yes to there are circumstances where it’s okay to later change your mind, especially if it won’t be of any cost to the host. I assume you’re not paying for anybody else’s meal and won’t be out of pocket from her cancelling? You also don’t know that she hadn’t agreed to the other event before yours.

Unfortunately sometimes it is easy to double-book yourself or say yes to something without realising the date is likely to clash with an important event. I think if you’ve invited 10 people then one person who originally says yes and is then not able to make it on the night is pretty good going.

BlueCornsihPixie · 29/09/2019 11:24

YANBU, I hate flakiness. And people who act like they are just gracing you with their presence, no real apology for cancelling.

A meal with friends, celebrating a friends new job/PhD would be important to me! Probably because I like my friends.

In the days of phones there's not really any excuse to forget dates, people who say "I'm bad at dates" seem to assume that everyone else automatically remembers them. We don't we just put them into our phones/calendars.

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