Abusive relationship

[JanuaryOctober]

Not sure what I should do and looking for some advice.
Found out this week that my sister is in an abusive relationship. Always thought it was controlling etc but this week it has come out that she is not allowed to go to places / see people / socialise outside of their only child’s social group etc. She said there has not been “real violence”, but a lot of control with money, where she can go, eating and hitting but not “serious violence”. She won’t leave. Too much money involved, child, too much to lose etc. I have suggested staying with me for refuge, non harassment order etc, but she keeps saying she’s not strong enough. I am so worried if she stays it will just get worse. She says she is too tired and exhausted to fight and just easier to let them get what they want. I don’t know how to help her if she won’t leave. I am so devastated and frightened for her. Is there anything I can do? Or just live in the hope she will see sense?

I'm sorry op, I don't think there is anything you can do.

Be there for her and offer practical advise when needed. I hope she does see sense, but who knows.

Hopefully you'll get some good advise on here for some more informed than me

Is there a local Domestic abuse charity / service that covers your area?
Get in touch with a DV service for advice and try to talk to your sister.

I left my ex when my my child was 2months old and never looked back. I hope she finds the strength to leave too

I was that sister, the one in the abusive relationship, and knowing I could talk to my sister, and knowing she had my back and didn't criticse me for staying with my ex until I had enough, made all the difference when I did decide to leave and she has been amazing. She didn't tell me what to do but she showed me what real love looks like and pointed me in the right direction. When I left for good, she made sure I knew she was there for me if I minimised or had doubt. You are doing all the right things.

Thing is... as bad as things are she hasn't hit rock bottom. She hasn't reached the point of no return. I do feel for you and her because many women don't make it out alive and certainly those that leave are still in some sort of danger if their exes find out where they are and have vengeance.

I would be as supportive as you can. Offering her refuge, being there to listen. You are already offering practical support; it's just that you can't 'force' her to do anything about it.

It's a difficult balance. Her worries are valid r.e. money, him having access to the kids etc. Of course I think she should leave but you should go about things in a way which doesn't alienate her. If he should catch wind of things, he may very well ban her from even you. Then she'll be truly isolated.

Just keep on doing what you're doing. I know it sounds unhelpful but this is oftentimes just how these things go. You're her lifeline at the moment but your last sentence basically sums things up.

You are doing the right thing. All you can do is be there for her. You sound like you care for her a lot. I do hope she sees sense and leaves him. I would also like to point out that if her partner finds out you are caring for her best interests then he will most likely put a stop to your relationship with your sister.

Please be careful. I've been there and had no sister. Good luck OP

You can contact women's aid, or similar. If you let them know where she lives, phone number and her/his schedule, they can call her (withheld number) when he's not around & make sure everything's okay. If she doesn't want to leave, they won't make her. But they'll keep tabs, make sure she's okay and give her someone impartial to speak to should she want to.

You can do that anonymously.

I've done this before & that's how women's aid worked. The woman in question didn't want to leave, at first. Now, shes told people that WA were in touch with her & it was a lifeline. It gave her the spark she needed to leave

It's tough to know this is going on and be unable to intervene. I too was in a similar position to your sister and wouldn't agree to my family intervening. I was a young mum trying to make it work and couldn't (wouldn't) yet see that nothing I did would make it right. I couldn't (wouldn't) acknowledge that I was harming myself (and my children's emotional wellbeing) staying. It took 18 and a half years to finally be ready to make the break with many attempts to leave in between. I came to see I'd been kidding myself that I could love it all better and how much damage I'd done to myself in making saving a bad marriage more important than taking care of myself. 10+ years on, I work with women now to support them in uplifting their self-esteem and rebuilding their lives after the many soul-destroying effects of abuse. I shared a little video (my journey is wrapped up in it) for anyone who is enmeshed with the same story I was telling myself for so long. I know people in your position have found it helpful; one of whom later told me that her friend was willing to open up a conversation with her after watching it. It's on YouTube here if you feel it could help: . I hope all turns out well. 💕

Thanks so much for everyone’s kindness and helpful messages. Dunno what else to say. It’s helpful to hear so many stories about having the strength to leave.

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister but it's really positive that you are there for her - a lot of abuse sufferers feel cut off from those who really care about them, so it's really nice and reassuring to see she has someone like you in her life.

This is quite a difficult situation and must be frustrating to watch on the outside. You mentioned that your sister is too tired and exhausted to fight the issue and it is easier for her to just accept what is going on - I'd say theres more than financial abuse and and his emotional abuse has worn her down where she is resigned to her situation.

At the end of the day, the decision to leave has to be down to her and the impetus to change is down to her but there is alot you can do to help build this up and you've already made the first move by acknowledging what is going on.

Think about how to empower your sister and build up her confidence and self esteem. Look at building up and strengthening her social network if you can - this may not be possible with him present but you are a huge resource for her. Look into how she can siphon off some money to help leave without him knowing, can you and your family save together in a wee fund for when she leaves (and make her aware of it?) so she can get back on her feet. Do you have a place where she and her child can stay until they get settled? If so, let her know that. Try and go out with her and do things she enjoys so that she knows there is enjoyment outside of her life with him. This bit is also difficult as he is controlling her funds but maybe you or family could help out a little (ie dance class, socialising over lunch or coffee, etc).

Your sister has very limited resources atm and he seems to be taking everything she has, we want to build her up so that she realises she doesnt need him as a resource and has others around her and then build on to working on herself.

One of the main things people working with victims of domestic violence look at is working with them on identifying what makes a good and bad relationship. I dont think your sister is anywhere near ready for this as she is still with him and stuck in her situation- but this is definitely worth looking at when her confidence and spirit is higher.

Apologies there is no quick fix but I think the above would definitely help in empowering your sister and giving her the confidence to leave. Fingers crossed for you all!

Il just put it out there... women die from this. DV death rates have gone up significantly.
It's great being told you're doing all that you can and she will make up her mind or she will get out in x amount of years. What if later never comes?
I would go down the domestic abuse outreach route. The workers can offer her everything. Refuge, legal and financial help, just being there for support. They are amazing people. They will do everything safely to her situation to make sure the abuse does not get worse or ensure he doesnt know that the are contacting her.

I wish someone did it for me before it was too late.