To be sick of my friend double booking and to bring it up?

[Lizzie523]

I have an issue with my friend and brought it up tonight - wondering if you think I should have!

Been friends 10 years, one of my closest friends for sure. Always have a great time together, go on hol together each year with other friends etc. Havent seen each other lately until I came home after travelling and working abroad.

Anyway, we last caught up a month ago and everything was great. The time before that we had plans and at a certain stage in the night she said she was leaving to meet other friends and I could join. This irked me a bit and I ended up going home as it was late anyway.

Tonight we arranged to catch up at a movie followed by drinks. After the movie, I said 'want to get a drink now?' and she asked if we could do something else as she planned to meet work friends for drinks in an hour! Again said I could join.

Anyway we went for a bite to eat and a drink and I told her it upset me a bit to feel we have plans then she is rushing off to meet others. She said that is not her intention, that she had just talked about me so much to these friends she'd like us to meet. We then went on to another bar at her initiation.

Did I over-react? She also told me she was very anxious atm, which came across, and had taken up smoking which I'd never seen before.

Anyone?

Tricky. I'm more inclined to say YANBU, as like you, I'd be pissed off too. It's like, "Am I not enough?"

That said, if you're as awesome as my male best mate, I really do love introducing him to my other friends as he's the life and soul and everyone that meets him instantly adores him and wants to be his friend too. He brightens up any night! ❤️ I'd always consider the situation in which we are meeting before inviting other mates and I'd not arrange a separate social gathering and invite him along, I'd invite other friends to join us too later in the night.

If you value the friendship, tell her you love and appreciate that she invites you out to other gatherings, and you would be happy to come out on group nights from time to time to meet her great friends, but when you have plans together, you'd like the time to catch up, just the two of you.

Also, if she's having anxiety. Maybe she can't deal with the intensity of a one on one conversation in case it starts to focus on her and she can't cope with opening up, or pretending. Or maybe she's envious of your life and hearing about how well you're doing sets her on edge even more?

Hi, thanks. I don't think she's envious of my life as lately I've went from doing well to being in quite a bad place myself!

In reality I am too stressed and going through a massive period of upheaval to want to meet new people at the pub and talk about my life either.

I did think it very off that she said she was off to meet other friends when we had made those plans. She also kept texting over dinner which I find so rude and which she never used to do. She wants to meet again next weekend but tbh I think i'l give it a rest for a few weeks. It's as you say - it does make me feel a bit 'am I not enough?'

Sorry to hear that.

Could it be that she feels that your bad run of luck / life stress is affecting her own anxiety, as she cares so much for you, she's emotionally invested and needing to keep you at a half arm's length for her own sanity?

Like she can't deal with your worries while she's struggling with her own?

If so, she's not being mean, but sort of protecting herself by diluting your meetings with other people to ease potential intensity. IYSWIM?

You need to talk properly really. No accusations, just honest chat and being supportive to her.

I lost my mum this year and I'll be honest, I was less interactive with friends that had a lot on their plate. I was still their friend and met with them, but I scaled it back as I'm usually the 'go to' shoulder for all my friends and I just didn't have the energy in me to be their sounding board while I was struggling too.

Or being a complete devil's advocate here. Maybe she's not as good a friend as you think and is miffed that she's not getting all the attention in your meets as you're the one needing support. Just throwing it out there.

Sorry. Another possible conclusion is you've grown apart while you've been away and made new friends. Sad, but hopefully not the reason.

Hmmm I'm really not sure. I don't think we've grown apart and have only felt this way lately.

As I say, I invited her on a trip with me and some other friends abroad a few months ago and all had a great time. In fact, she's been the one pushing meeting up more frequently and I've been busier.

I will admit that when we went to the bar and talked about other things/not our stressful situations, we had a good laugh. Maybe I should think about inviting her to more activity based events for a while - where you can have fun but not have to talk about things too much.

She did seem in quite a bad way and I was concerned. Said she could call any time and she said the same. But it is like the blind leading the blind atm as we are both having a rough time.

You just need to be honest with her then, no guilt trips, just say it how it is, as kindly as possible.

There'll be more to it than selfishness, I'm sure. Good luck and please let me know how you get on.

Please do lean on other friends and family in your own time of need too.

Also GetMeOffThisCycleOfMisery - you could be right but by the same coin I'm not up to meeting all her friends at the moment. I just can't bear those light hearted getting to know you chats at the pub with strangers when I am trying to get through a hard time and don't have my usual energy to give.

I prefer going to workshops or doing an activity that takes my mind off things atm. Maybe this will pass...

I'd just be honest that you don't want to go out and meet lots of new friends so you'd rather she told you what the plan is.

If I were on a night out with friends I'd want to know if we are travelling home together etc, so I'd not want the friend to go off meeting others if it meant me travelling home alone etc (unless I had driven there etc).

Anyway, I am sorry to hear you are both having a hard time. Hope you can both sort things out and support each other.

Get something fun as you mentioned in the diary, where you can be distracted and talk a bit more freely.

It's tough when friendships don't meet your own expectations. I'm hyper-sensitive with that sort of thing, but my pragmatic side kicks in and stops me getting upset. My pregnant best friend didn't see, or call me after losing my mum (only texts) and I was / am so bloody hurt by that, but I reminded myself that she was pregnant and I didn't know if anything was going on with the baby. So didn't want to raise it.

We are all different and deal with situations in a manner that suits us, at the time.

Do widen your circle though, do draw on other good friends. It will help you. I promise. Don't put. All your eggs in one basket.

She doesn’t want to say no to other friends when they ask her out in case you’re up and off travelling again and she’s left with no one.

My friend does this and I hate it. I'd not mind if she told me in advance but I hate having it sprung on me. I know most of her friends are lovely and she just wants to fit in as much as possible before her free time runs out but I like to enjoy my time with people. If I'm meeting someone I clear the time and spend it with them. I don't squeeze them in then dash off. It's bad manners and rude at worst at best its inconsiderate and thoughtless.

I used to do this when my mind was at its most “scattered” and I was drinking a lot in my late 20s.

For me it was an insurance policy to be able to get from 7-2 boozing and smoking. I was in an unhappy relationship and had a lot of demons.

It was also motivated by a fear of saying no to anybody and “losing friends”.

I suspect your friend is feeling all at sea and in your absence has forged these friendships and is now feeling duty bound to honour both. She may also see them as an insurance policy should you go abroad again.

I’d suggest you maybe try and do something low key next time, just to take the pressure off for both of you; maybe a pizza in front of Strictly or something.

You can’t fix her, but I suspect the issue isn’t you. YANBU.

I think it's very rude to spring it on you, and bullshit that she just wanted to introduce you to them - she knows that last time she attempted this, you went home.

She just doesn't want to say no to anyone, and is trying to cram two nights out into one.

But, whatever the reason, it would make anyone feel pretty rubbish and I don't think you overreacted to mention it to her. Next time you're making an arrangement, just ask her to choose a date that won't involve her rushing off somewhere else later.