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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to spend Christmas together ?

14 replies

LunaLooneyTunes · 28/09/2019 19:47

My partner and I have been together for five years. We’re not married but we live together and have a dog, ie. we’re very committed. We have always gone to our respective parents for Christmas but this year I really want to spend it together. I have suggested that we do half the day at his and half at mine (it about a 2.5 hour drive). I have brought this up a few times starting from after last Christmas but every time I bring it up he shuts me down very quickly saying, I’ll think about it. AIBU? :(

OP posts:
Bucatini · 28/09/2019 19:53

YANBU to want to spend it with him but I wouldn't really fancy a 2.5 hour drive in the middle of Christmas Day. Maybe Christmas Day in one place and Boxing Day in the other would work better?

MsVestibule · 28/09/2019 19:54

I wouldn't want to spend Christmas Day without my DP but wouldn't want to drive for 2.5 hrs. Can't you do one year with your family and the next at his?

BarbedBloom · 28/09/2019 19:55

I think alternating works better as I wouldn't be keen on moving about halfway through. I know some people on here are happy to spend it apart, but I never have been and thankfully my DH is the same.

I would sit down with him, explain your feelings and ask when he sees you both spending the day together so at least you know where you are.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 28/09/2019 19:57

I'd not up for a 2.5 hour drive on Christmas day either!

Id suggest something more practical, say your starting position is to spend the day together, you are a proper couple, not just dating anymore. Would he like to start alternating which set of parents you go to as a couple, or maybe offer to host and invite everyone to you?

I'd offer something like, Christmas eve in your own home, drive to his parents Christmas morning and spend the day there, then either stay over or head home that night, boxing day you both spend with your parents. With the understanding you'll do the other way round next year.

Original poster
LunaLooneyTunes · 28/09/2019 20:00

Thanks everyone ☺️ I know a 2.5 hour drive is a lot but it wouldn’t bother me and I feel like maybe it would be a better starting point for him than suggesting some christmases he won’t be with his family at all :/

OP posts:
Durgasarrow · 28/09/2019 20:44

Why aren't you married? This might have something to do with why you don't feel you should stay together at Christmas. I know it sounds strange, but I do believe it is possible.

Shoxfordian · 28/09/2019 20:57

Does he shut you down about other things too?

MyDcAreMarvel · 28/09/2019 21:01

Why would you not just stay at home, you are adults.

tikitent · 28/09/2019 21:13

2.5 hours in a car on xmas day when you could be eating/drinking/having fun sounds really grim. Presumably you are still young and childfree I would just have xmas with your respective families while you still can if he doesn't want to alternate.

Wonkybanana · 28/09/2019 22:15

So being with his parents is more important to him than being with you? And if you try to discuss it he shuts you down? (Clue - he's already thought about it and the answer's no.)

OK you have a dog with him, don't have a child. Or you'll be the poster saying that your MiL is taking over, taking the DC to have their first hair cut, insisting on having him/her overnight without you - and your DP won't back you up and will turn on you if you say anything. he's showing you where you come in the pecking order, and it isn't top.

And if I were you I'd stick to the previous Christmas arrangements. If you try for any sort of compromise he'll be sulky and bad tempered anyway. (Either that or it'll be you going to his parents for Christmas and he will expect it to be that way for ever more.) Enjoy yourself with your own family, and have a think about the relationship long term.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 29/09/2019 15:31

Offer the Christmas day with one side, boxing day with the other and alternating idea. He might be up for that.

You just being there with him might change the dynamic, and him joining in with your family on boxing day might help him feel more like part of your family.

If he says no to that too, I'd be careful, it could suggest he doesn't see your relationship as his primary relationship. Give him some options and say you need to start preparing each set of parents in October for what's going to happen, so he can think about it, but only for a few days.

WillowPeach · 29/09/2019 15:44

We’ve always split Christmas Day between our families. We’d go to his Parent’s house for Christmas Dinner then drive to my families house 3 hours away. It’s never bothered us as I always find Christmas afternoon a bit boring until the evening begins with party food etc. Plus the motorways are always empty so driving is a doddle. We’ll not do this once we have kids though as obviously it would be unfair.

He’s being totally unreasonable by not willing to even discuss. His attitude is almost like your opinion doesn’t matter which isn’t ok. Why does his wishes matter and yours doesn’t? A firm word is needed I think because he’s being a total nob!

Rezie · 29/09/2019 15:46

What if you spend the whole Christmas at his? Is he then more open to it?

Honestly, I'd like to learn Christmas with my partner but I would want to be at my side of the family. Therefore we don't spend Christmas together (also we want to make sure no parent is alone on holiday)

ZenNudist · 29/09/2019 15:48

Are you planning on having children? Man unable to compromise. Not a good sign.

Although agree just alternate, not doing long drive on Christmas day.

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