To think DS’s dad could make more of an effort to see him.

[DA1115]

So.. split with DS’s dad when he was tiny (literally days olds) He has always seen DS but it’s always been inconsistent, lacks any routine and I’ve always felt like my ex sees him as he feels it’s his duty rather than actually wanting to spend time with him. When he has seen him it’s been for a few hours. Never a whole day, never a whole weekend. Maybe 2-3 hours at the weekend. It’s a bit of a joke. He’s let him down, changed plans, DS is 8 now and I think he’s finally realised what a let down his dad is and hasn’t wanted to see him. He hasn’t his dad much in several weeks.

I try and encourage him to visit but I cannot force it so I let DS make his own mind up if he wants to go or not.

So he hasn’t seen him in several weeks. The first few weeks Somethign would Be organised but Dad would refuse to go but over the last few weeks my ex has made no effort to rebuild a relationship with DS. Doesn’t ring or text to ask how he is, doesn’t try and make an effort to see him (I’ve invited him round a few times to see him in our home), doesn’t encourage Ds to visit.. literally nothing.

I feel like DS not wanting to him is convienent for my ex as he’s always been a bit of a let down and now he can get away with not seeing him.

Aibu to think a dad would try and make every effort to see their child rather the ignore the situation?

His always paid for DS (been a bit inconsistent at times) and he’s always bought extravagent presents but it really is spending time with children rather than money and I think he fails to realise this.

I don’t really want DS to stop all contact with his dad? He’s known him for 8 years (albeit a bit inconsistent) and I’ve never known my father and I don’t want the same happening for DS.

Well you can’t force someone to be a dad, my ex hasn’t seen our 4 kids in 2 years. You can’t make anyone want to be a dad just carry on as you are (I don’t think you should stop contact) and let your ds decide for himself.

It’s so sad isn’t it Pumpkin. How old were your children when they last seen their dad?

My son is 8 and I just feel like he’ll always have a memory of his dad and how he never made an effort. If you abandon a younger child they don’t really remember their dad being around much? 🤔😭

Ime dads who aren’t bothered about contact are doing their DC a favour by fucking off altogether. I’ve seen it in my own DC. They are so much happier in the two years they haven’t seen him than they were when he was dipping in and out and letting them down all the time.

In your shoes OP I wouldn’t be bothering to contact your ex again about seeing DS and I wouldn’t be prodding DS to see him either.

Well you know what it’s his loss it really is. I know it’s difficult for your dc at the moment but you can’t force this.

Imo it's because seeing your ds reminds him of his failings. And likely envy that ds is so fab due to you and absolutely not because of any contribution he has made. Dna alone doesn't make a fab dc..
Ime your ds will be more than fine with you.
My dd told me she never felt she needed her df because I was more than enough. He waltzed back in at 21 and she has zero bond and zero time for him.
She is a fully functioning /well balanced woman now.
Don't beat yourself up op.

Mine are 8,7,5 and 2 so only really the 2 year old that doesn’t remember him. It’s terrible and unlike yours he doesn’t pay maintenance but really you just can’t force them to be involved. I did tell him the last time to either step up and see them or don’t see them at all and he chose not at all. So if you do give him an ultimatum just bare in mind he might actually decide to walk away for good.

It's very sad @DA1115 but it's just the way it is sometimes

I separated from DS's Dad when he was just a couple of months old, he's now almost 16. His Dad has been okish with contact - almost EOW but there has been many times he's cancelled on him. He doesn't put any extra effort in, and now DS is older and wants to go to parties etc Ex just doesn't see him. There's no flexibility, no " I'll see you after school for tea one day this week", so if DS wants to do something with friends he just doesn't see his Dad - this has torn DS in two in the past as he wants to have a normal teen life and see his Dad.

I've never understood it myself, how can you go for a month or more without seeing your child? I know I couldn't do it.