To feel crushing disappointment even though I knew this would happen?

[MacInTheBox]

DMum is an alcoholic. Has been as long as I can remember. When she is drunk she is very maudlin, a hypochondriac, sometimes nasty and argumentative.

Haven't seen her for a few weeks so decided we would visit, we being DP and DD (4). We got here around 1pm and she was showing signs she'd had a drink. My dad took DD out shopping and she's got steadily more drunk throughout the afternoon, and I can tell now she's at the turning point. I know from now she will either be in bed by the time DD goes down, or she will stay up and pick fights with everyone or slag off celebrities on the tele while watching strictly.

She is so full of bitterness and hate. It oozes from her when she's drunk.

We are staying overnight and I am so disappointed. She makes me feel so uncomfortable when she is like this, and although she's great with DD I know her trajectory and I know what she will be like when DD goes to bed. It's embarrassing and infuriating and just gah!

Not really AIBU to be honest, just a chance to have a rant. I'm too much of a people pleaser, and don't like to make a fuss, but it really gets to me and I don't even know why I bother coming. I should probably go NC or even low contact but my family mean everything to me, and I hate the thought of being frozen out or isolated.

I’m really not sure what to say but feel that you ought to talk to DF. He clearly knows what the situation is as he is clearly living with it.
I’m assuming that talking to DM will result in denial or negativity. I feel so sorry that your family life has been so affected by this.
Your DM could do with a cold, sharp shock. Maybe a chat with your dad followed by a period of abstaining from their presence might give her a wake up call... somehow I doubt it. 💐

Have you looked in to Al-anon? It could help and also give you a place to go and talk about your feelings. I'm the child of an alcoholic and a recovering alcoholic so know a bit about it all. It's an awful situation for all involved but knowing how best to handle the drinking alcoholic and our own feelings and reactions can really help.

Thank you.

It's been going on for years and we have had the heartbreak and sadness that comes with addressing the drinking. She blames DF for being absent, working too much, but that is a vicious circle because he simply does not want to be there. He does not comment now, at all.

I feel so hopeless when it comes to helping. Nothing works at all. I don't even think falling deathly ill would make a difference now. She is drinking in huge amounts every single day.

I have looked at al anon and found a local meeting. Will be attending soon as this is just dragging me down.

This situation is so sad for the loved ones of heavy drinkers, Sometimes it's a case of knowing they're unlikely to ever change so either excepting them as they are or not at all, as if she doesn't choose to change she never will, addictions are strong and powerful and unless someone is determined to summon up every bit of will power at all cost to turn things around with support then they may not succeed.
You have to decide where you stand with this without expecting a change that's unlikely to happen at least not overnight, but don't feel she's your burden as you have your own life and family to put first.

I do feel so sorry for you, Mac.
Alcoholics are quite capable of going without a drink for a while, sometimes up to three days. Perhaps she could be persuaded to not drink when you are visiting.

Poor woman, it's a dreadful thing. Your dad must have a hard life with her too.

Perhaps she could be persuaded to not drink when you are visiting

we used to have rules like that. No drinking in my house - she'd turn up drunk at 10am. Or trollied on Librium. Or go out to the car and drink.

I stopped staying overnight when I was 22. The first time i stayed overnight in my parents house since then was the night she finally died from a massive GI bleed, 20 years later.

Have you tried Al- Anon?

for you op. I grew up with my dad being an alcoholic and I know too well the fear, frustration, embarrassment, anger and disappointment it causes. I left home at 16 and gradually distanced myself because I couldn't cope with it. My sister was far more sympathetic and treated it like an illness that he couldn't help, and they had a much closer relationship.

You need to put yourself and your dd first, alcoholics don't change for other people. I'm glad you're going to Al-Anon I wish I'd known about it but my dad is dead now, killed by the booze.

I feel for you. Your mum sounds like mine... alcoholic since 2003 and her nastiness, the worry and continual cycle of hospital admissions was breaking me mentally. I couldn't cope with being her support / punch-bag / 'shit'-picker-upper any more. She wouldn't accept help and her issues were apparently everyone else's fault, including me at times as o told her how it is. I understand it's an illness, but watching her slowly kill herself was making me ill.

I went no contact June of last year and said to contact me again when she was prepared to get herself some help.

It sounds awful but, despite the worry all the time the lack of contact / peace was bliss.

Then she was found dead at Easter this year. She died alone, liver finally packed up and due to the hot weather, the day she passed couldn't be determined. She was not long turned 64.

I still don't know how I feel. I sort of stand by going NC (my name was changed on here to reflect the misery I was going through), but of course I feel a ton of regret. I've had counselling, but not sure it's all fully hit me yet TBH.

Consider how you might feel going NC if she passed away and work from there. Low contact is a good start for your sanity and the happiness of your own family. Seeing her often and feeling shit after every time is no way to live OP. Think of you.

So sorry, this must be so hard.

My only advice would be that could you see your parents out somewhere, where she cannot drink? Just have brief visits, not overnight?

I had similar but with no father as he had died when I was a child.

I had to make a choice and in the end I no longer saw my mother. I have two siblings, one of them chose the same. We didn’t go to the funeral. Oddly it was not alcohol that killed her in the way you’d expect, it was the alcohol dementia and frequent falls that meant she was hospitalised a lot and from there caught all sorts of things and couldn’t fight it.

Not drinking when you are visiting?! She’d simply drink in another room and lie about it. Not drinking in your home? She’s bring a bag of miniatures and we’d find the empties after she’d left. Not drinking when out? She’d sneak to the bar and tell them to put a double whisky in her mixer or again have the miniatures.

You can’t change their behaviour, you can only change yours.

No overnight visits anymore might be the way to go. Keep visits shortish and on neutral territory perhaps? Meeting for a coffee somewhere that doesn't serve alcohol?

In the end though, nothing can help her if she doesn't want to recognise that she has a problem. She has to want to be helped.

Very low contact from now onwards. You don't want your DD affected by this. Keep lines of communication open with your Dad as it sounds as though he needs moral support here and could be struggling with her.

Good luck. My BIL is an alcoholic. Being in the same house as one is hard for everyone. I can't do it.

My mum is like this. Nothing works.

Now I don’t ring/visit or even speak to her after a certain time in the afternoon.

I also don’t attend any social functions with her or stay at her house.

I definitely don’t want my DC hearing or seeing some of the things that I did as a child

It sounds like a really tough situation. I do feel though that you should not be exposing your 4 year old to this. 4 year olds are like sponges and take in so much more that you realise. If you wish to keep contact between her and your child maybe early morning visits before a drink (if possible) and no afternoon/evening/overnights. Maybe travel the evening before if it is a long way and stay in a cheap hotel ready to see her in the morning. I recall clearly being taken to visit my auntie and alcoholic uncle around the same age (we maybe visited a couple of times a year), I didn't know he was an 'alcoholic' but I knew things weren't right and I hated it! And yes he was great with me but that didn't mean I wanted to spend time with him!

I should add I was too polite to tell my parents for a few years I didn't like visiting. As it was the visits fizzled out and we only saw my Auntie at my Grandma's house.

Can you meet somewhere like a softplay - morning with dd, lunch there, home?

Please ignore the suggestions to work around it op. You said you put family first but your 4 year old daughter is exposed to this. Not once does your post consider the huge, negative messages she's exposed to here.. put her needs first ffs, you're her parent.

Whether you want to to NC or not, whether it's ok for your alcoholic mum, is less important than your DC now.step up.

In my experience alcoholism is like hoarding. Trying to change the behaviour as a relative is a heartrending waste of time. Meet outside the hone once every 2 months or so.