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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Or is this too personal?

11 replies

Quandary2018 · 28/09/2019 13:57

Very quick background- exh took me to court for contact with our kids 2 years ago after social services stopped him seeing them due to domestic abuse.
We are finally at the stage where a final order on contact is imminent- hearing in 2 weeks, position statements submitted to court last week.
In his he has asked for no weekend contact and additional midweek contact with our youngest because exh plays football on a Saturday afternoon and doesn’t want to miss it.
He currently has one midweek evening after school and is supposed to have every Saturday afternoon, no overnights because he has no where for them to sleep and the kids don’t want it.
Our eldest has agreed to one afternoon a month but exh is saying that won’t be possible because of his football.

Fast forward to this week and exh tells me he’s now planning on moving away- won’t say where to or when or how he plans to see the kids or how often that would be because those are all too personal and me asking those questions and not just saying sure to his demand of having the kids overnight once he has moved is proof I am trying to control him!

So, my question is, AIBU to ask how often he plans to see the kids, how they would get to wherever he was moving to etc

As a final point- I’ve told him to resubmit his position statement so that it contains his plans so that we can discuss them at the hearing but he said he’s not going to and is just going to announce it on the day!

OP posts:
Ferretyone · 28/09/2019 14:28

@Quandary2018

I'm guessing that you have a solicitor. Get him/her to get this information at once from soon to be exDH. If needed get the hearing postponed till the information is provided

Quandary2018 · 28/09/2019 15:40

I do, they’ve been on annual leave this week but I’ll be on to them on Monday.

This has properly blown my mind and I cannot fathom how exh thinks it’s reasonable to say I don’t need to know how often he’s going to see the kids

OP posts:
Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 28/09/2019 15:45

If he announces this on the day, won't it make him look like he's being an awkward sod and weaken his position with regard to access?

Quandary2018 · 28/09/2019 15:59

Potentially, but he isn’t represented so he could easily claim he didn’t know/think he needed to say anything before the hearing and then he might get away with it

OP posts:
Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 28/09/2019 16:05

Ah, I see how that would change things other wise I'd have given him enough rope ....
Obviously yanbu, I imagine your solicitor is pretty well versed with stroppy gits, I hope it goes the way you want.

Quandary2018 · 28/09/2019 16:42

All I want is to know that he’s thought things through properly- the logistics. I genuinely do not care who this woman is or about any of the details of their relationship. All that matters to me is that the kids are thought of but from what little he’s told me, they haven’t been at all and he just expects it’s all to work because it’s what he wants- he even thinks I should drive them to him whenever he wants to see them because he won’t be able to afford to drive over here to get them.
He has no regard for anything the kids have said so far as what they want contact wise as he believes I’ve poisoned them against him which isn’t the case at all.
I thought we were at the end of this saga and now we’re not, I feel crushed because the last 2 years have been pointless

OP posts:
SAA1519 · 28/09/2019 19:31

Speak to solicitor. It seems the kids are an inconvenience and he wants them to fit around his life. I'd suggest if he can't promise regular contact, not to have regular contact agreed as the children will be left hurt if he continuously lets them down. I'm all for supporting a relationship with the father but it has to be mutually wanted and the agreement upheld by both parties. It does seem unreasonable for him to expect you to drive the kids to him when he won't even say where he's moving to, also the fact he says because he can't afford the fuel, in which case if he wanted to see his kids he wouldn't move away?! Good luck for the hearing

Irene1975 · 28/09/2019 21:07

Sounds to me like hes angling to getting children for over nights by backing you into a corner..if hes had a history of domestic abuse i would only be comfortable with him having contact for short periods and as your children dont want over nights and give the rope to hang himself. Neglecting to spend weekends with your kids because of your own wants speaks volumes...you do not no anything of his new relationship and if it is a volitile one...go with your gut on this..

Marshmallow91 · 28/09/2019 21:12

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

Let the prick announce on the day, and makes sure your lawyer knows why he previously didn't want them at weekends.

Meercatsarecats · 28/09/2019 21:41

I can see why he's an ex, I'm sorry for you op having to deal with such a monumental prick.

Tonnerre · 28/09/2019 22:10

Potentially, but he isn’t represented so he could easily claim he didn’t know/think he needed to say anything before the hearing and then he might get away with it

Easy enough to get round this by way of a quick email from your solicitor pointing out that he has a duty to supply this information before the hearing.

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