How to tell my mum I’m not going

[Imfinallyhappy1]

There is so much history but the long story cut short is, my family is dysfunctional.

My dad is controlling and currently not speaking to me which includes not wishing me happy birthday, treating me like crap and generally being horrible since forever.

I called to wish my neice (who lives with my parents) a happy birthday and my mum said on Saturday they were having a party and I’m expected to come for cake but it would only be short because otherwise it’s havoc with my dc as well as the 3 nieces etc.

I don’t want to go and said I would possibly make it but would let them know sat morning. I spoke to my dc and they don’t want to go, my dad isn't very nice and the atmosphere is strained. I need to say I’m not going but if i don’t say why they will think I’m being a drama queen and trying to get attention for myself.

Reading this back I can see I’m a wet wipe

It’s horrible I’m so scared

If you can't be honest then I'd say I've got sickness and diarrhea.

You really don't need to lie. Just tell her you don't want to ruin with the bad atmosphere.

Ah that sounds tough I would say you or the dc is ill you an adult you don't need to be around your dad if you don't want too, I am assuming these moods and silent treatment is what you grew up with and it has left you affected, you don't have to put up with it .

Expected to go? No.
I'd send a message now saying you can't make it. Don't make an excuse, don't apologise and don't engage further.

I have a dysfunctional family too and spent years dreading necessary family occasions, so you have my utmost sympathy.

The hard truth is that your father is going to call you something nasty whatever you do, and your mother knows that, yet still expects you to put on a party face and pretend.

I'd be inclined to just say "Sorry, I can't be there. Have a great day" and leave them to it. The more information you give them - you being ill, your DC being ill, etc - the more ammunition you will give them to have yet another go at you.

And no, you are not a wet wipe at all. Years of negative conditioning will do this to you. You deserved better.

Don’t go!

Sorry, that wasn’t helpful to your question!

Text/message:
“Sorry we cant make it for birthday cake today after all. Hope niece has a great party.”

And DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.

Pp are right making excuses is a waste of your energy just say you won't make it for cake and leave it at that.what a bloody shame he has to be such an arse.

Thank you everyone I’ve sent an email. They won’t respond or ‘give me the attention’

I think that's perfect, OP. Now try and put it out of your mind (easier to say than do, I realise that) and concentrate on having a good weekend with your DC. 🍷or 💐 or both!

Very good Email, @Imfinallyhappy1 👍

Enjoy the weekend!

I would've told them the truth - the kids don't want to go.

What did they say OP?

They said nothing, no email back, no text, no call. They silence treatment me always. They won’t give my behaviour attention

They won’t give my behaviour attention

Or, to put it another way, they don't like it when you don't do as you're told.

I bet this is how they themselves have in the past described how they treat you. Don't just fall into their narrative, it's how they minimise what is actually abusive behaviour.

You've stood up for your Dc and yourself here. See this for the achievement it is, and ignore them.

You don't have to have contact with them at all if you don't want to you know.

@Imfinallyhappy1 I am sorry your father is abusive and your mum has allowed this. Please read up on getting away from the influence of abusive parents. You are an adult with your own kids. I'd keep them well away from your parents.

"They said nothing, no email back, no text, no call. They silence treatment me always. They won’t give my behaviour attention."

What 'behaviour'? you just said you would not be able to go, it's totally normal to not be able to go to a family event.

"You don't have to have contact with them at all if you don't want to you know." prawnonthebarbie is totally right there.

You need to treat the silent treatment as a reward not a punishment😊
these assholes are not people that you want to spend time with!

Now is the perfect time to block their number and go no/low contact. If you don't want to block their numbers then divert it to voicemail.

Remember that you have control now, you decide when to and if you will contact them. You will also decide whether or not you want to be their elderly carer when the time comes. You will also decide that their care should be left to someone else and you will put your family first.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

This is mainly for women with abusive partners but the freedom course is helpful to recognise Red flags. You're in an emotionally abusive relationship with your parents.

Please think about looking at this thread -

But we took you to Stately Homes" August 2019 onwards thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3677536-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-August-2019-onwards-thread

You would find lots of support on there from others who also have dysfunctional families and would understand what you are going through.

Why would you go to the house of someone who isn't speaking to you?

There's there answer if they thought about it, well done for sticking up for yourself and your dc xxx

I bet this
They won’t give my behaviour attention
Crock of shit is a line they have fed to you...

It should read
they will stonewall me to punish me for real or perceived infractions of their rules, for not keeping in line and for not doing exactly what they want at all times

Read up on stonewalling it’s a form of emotional abuse.

Also

So no contact for withdrawing from their invitation? Win-win!

How long can they keep it up for? Keep a note on the calendar and reward yourself for not initiating contact every week.