Relationship advice please

[anyidea123]

Hi,

Originally posted in relationships but no response, so trying here.

Sorry it's so long I'm hoping to get it all across (& hoping it's relevant)

I have a 4 month old DS my first baby 😊 and so I am very tired!

This week has been the worst for a while as he's been waking more during the night and very very cranky during the day. Not being able to put him down or get anything done and lots of screaming, so it's been tiring and stressful!

Sometimes DP has to stay late at work if he isn't finished the days tasks and previously I have asked him to let me know what time he would be home if so, as frustrating when clock watching waiting for him to come back if DS is non stop screaming and then I don't know how long he'll be.

Wednesday was a nightmare day! Lots and lots of screaming, I felt like I couldn't take it anymore and was crying as it was really getting me down.

About half an hour before DP was due to finish I took DS out for a drive to try and settle him. Came back half an hour after DP should of finished. So called him to ask how long he'd be he said 20 mins was nearly done.

I was still teary after the call & trying to hold it back, he came in, saw my face & asked what was wrong. I just said I'm tired. I knew I'd breakdown if I tried to say anymore. He walked past me and went upstairs. When he came back down he was really mardy.

I said I'm going to bed for a bit. (I was just so knakered having not slept much the past few nights.

Went upstairs and was still upset so couldn't get to sleep annoyingly! After 40 minutes I came back down stairs and he wasn't talking to me, silent treatment again!

I felt a bit better even though I hadn't slept but had a bit of a break and was trying to make conversation, after about an hour of this pretty much silence it turned into an argument - the usual of him bringing up anything else. So I was trying to explain what was wrong today and I did completely break down. He still just carried on arguing telling me he didn't care blah blah blah. So I took DS out for a walk as I didn't want to argue in front of him and hoping to settle him.

When I was back he had gone in the spare room to sleep (same last night) and is ignoring me again today because he is "too tired after work to get a bollocking".

My point the other night was I just wanted some support. I'm not expecting him to get up and do night feeds when he has work but just to be there for me when I've had a horrible day. Same as I am for him when he comes home and rants about work every night.

I also can't get out of my head that how much I was crying when I was leaving the house (& it does take a lot for me to cry) he just didn't care and let me go while he happily went to bed and straight to sleep.

I said the next day if this was the other way round I could never do that to him.

But nothing seems to get through?
Am I wasting my time in this relationship or am I so tired I'm not seeing clearly?

Oh dear OP bless you ...Its totally understandable you are so upset and tired.Having a young baby is bloody hard work.Thing is everyone is tired out and when that happens clashes happen too.We used to fall out if the tea bag wasnt left in long enough lol. Looking back on it we should have been so happy with our new perfect family but it wasnt like that at all.I was tired out literally worn out and I pushed him out and away,I had forgotten how to talk to him all it was was baby this, baby that ,my crap day,my sore boobs everything you could think of.My husband said in those first 6 months he lost his wife and he did..it was my baby my problems all the time and in turn he felt he was missing out on the new baby by having to go to work and when he got home all i did was moan at him too...everyone was miserable for different reasons and it was so stressful....we werent kind to each other or ourselves ...We pulled it back though with a bit of support.Maybe an idea could be just you and your dh going out for lunch or to the cinema with a reletive watching baby for a few hours.Or go to the pub for a beer and just talk...normally you know like you used to? It does get better and easier it does promise you...but your not just a mum now you are a partner still and you both have to make a tiny bit of time for each other if you can.Sure you will both be ok but you both need to be pulling in the same direction together him as much as you..You both need to talk.When was the last time you laughed and did something stupid together and had fun just the two of you? Your partner was mean but I bet hes finding it hard too..Have a think what you want to achieve together and communicate it .Dry your tears bless you and start a new day tomorrow.Ask for help if you need it from extended family no one will judge....Look after you too...get baby to bed and go have a long soak in the bath and chill for a bit....Pretty sure all will be well again soon if you clear the air..You might have to instigate this as I have found men are shit at this but give it a try.Best wishes sent ....failing all that kick his arse and tell him to step up and support you more but you will need to spell out what you need him to do cos they are shit at that bit too!!!!!

Thank you, that does make me feel a lot better and glad we're not the only ones.

I think I am expecting him to know what I want but I don't think either of us are communicating properly. He is shit at it usually but I was just wishing he could now when it's so obvious that upset.

Conversation needed tomorrow I think so we know what we both need from each other.

Thanks again @Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe

I dont think you're wasting your time but I do think he needs to make some changes or the resentment will grow and grow.

Sleep deprivation is a killer. As well as physically tough it makes you unsafe for driving etc, irritable, irrational, hard to make decisions etc. It gave me anxiety when my baby wasnt sleeping and I dont suffer from it normally. It sounds like he doesnt understand this, or understand just how awful it is being in all day with a screaming baby...even 10 minutes with bad crying is difficult so clock watching is understandable

Does he spend any length of time with the baby so he knows what its like? Does he have a job where being tired is unsafe eg a pilot or surgeon? Why can't he go to bed earlier and do an early morning feed or later and do a dreamfeed or something? Does he help with night feeds at weekends?

I know you're on maternity leave and the main purpose of that is to look after the baby however this does not mean that the mum has to be falling apart while the man carries on as normal. In my opinion both of you should expect to be a bit more tired after having a baby and if one is struggling then the other has to step up.

Sit down and tell him you're struggling and need some support. Spell it out what support you need. Knowing when he is getting home. A hug. A nap. A night off night feeds and him doing a feed every other night or something. If he pulls the 'but I work' thing tell him that you work as well, and a screaming baby is much harder work than sitting in an office or whatever. And what's he going to do when the baby wakes up in the night when it is older? When it goes to nursery and is ill and waking up every few hours, and you're both at work? Your relationship wont survive if you run yourself ragged while his life doesnt change. I'd also acknowledge your part in any miscommunication or grumpiness as its if you're that tired you may not have been behaving normally.

As an aside have you ruled out any medical reason for the crying

Things will get better, the baby will get into a routine and be more interactive and more fun and you will become less tired and everything will seem a bit more 'normal'...however you do need to sort this out or the resentment will grow and you'll always remember how he let you all down when you needed him most

My husband had a job with travelling when our babies were small. I breastfed and he still got up every few nights to take the baby a walk in the pram or sling to try and get me some proper rest. He took the baby in the mornings at weekends and took the older one so I could nap more. When I was upset I hadn't done anything at home in the early days he just said all I needed to think about was keeping the baby alive and he would do the washing and dishes etc when he got home. He always did bath time so I could have a break. I thought this was all normal til mumsnet, I'd never heard of the 'I am a new father but only in the day time because I have a job' (excluding health and safety reasons) til I read mumsnet

I don't think he was very nice at all. Best wishes for your future conversations with him- you can't go on like this. Hugs and look after yourself. xxx

@GettingABitDesperateNow thank you.
Yes he has had days when he's had DS by himself so has on occasion seen how it is, but I suppose it's different knowing it's only one day.

He goes to bed early (before DS has settled which is usually around 9) as he's up for work between 5&6, but when he is in from work he will tidy up if I haven't been able to. He makes dinner / washes up every night and does one night if feeds on the weekend so I get a full nights sleep, so I don't have any complaints really there. He works in production and is on his feet all day with heavy lifting so I don't doubt he is tired too.

I feel like sometimes I just need an hour or two by myself so I suppose I need to ask him to take DS for a walk or something as the three of us are together all weekend and as much as he will do what needs to be done I find it's me automatically leading it and still doing bottles etc.

I think it's the communication thing that's the biggest issue. Wednesday I really felt like I couldn't take any more and it made it worse that he wasn't there for me.

I'm going to talk it out tomorrow and hopefully things get better!

Thank you all you've made me feel much better. Going to get some sleep 🤞 now the baby is sleeping XX