To think he no longer "fancies" me? How do you tell?

[ihateryansworld]

(Namechanged as sister is on here)

So I have been with Husband for 10 years. He is 8yrs older than me but very young outlook on life. He is 51

We have 2 children together and I have a daughter from a previous relationship. They all live with us.

He works v long hours mom to Thursday. Home all day fri sat and sun. We are happily married. He is affectionate, thoughtful and we get on well.

However we haven't had sex since may. Before that I can't remember. He never initiated sex and I feel like although he does love me he doesn't fancy me. I would like to have sex but I'm to terrified to initiate incase he rejects me. I have tried dropping hints but he doesn't pick up on it.

All advice would be really gratefully received. Xx

So you had sex once in May, you don’t remember when you had sex prior to that, and he’s never initiated sex during your relationship, is that right? Is it possible that he just doesn’t have much of a sex drive?

No sorry. I'd say our lack of sex has been going on for about 3 years.

In that time he very rarely initiates and in the last three years I would say we had sex approx 8 times max.

Since my youngest (6) was born I probably haven't been taking the initiative and then we fell into the trap we're I didn't initiate but was more than willing if he did.

Maybe now this is my fault. I'd like to initiate but what if he doesn't fancy me
Anymore? How do I get past this

Have you tried not 'dropping hints' but coming out and actually saying 'I'd like to have sex more often - what do you think about that?'

It could be anything, from him having a low sex drive (could be dropping testosterone levels and he may be worried about it but unwilling to see a doctor, especially if his drive used to be higher) to him thinking you may be too tired for sex and not wanting to pester you.

But you might have to be a bit more direct, if he's not the type to really 'take hints'.

Thanks for clarifying 😊

So there has been a change in his behaviour, you feel? You had regular sex before this?

I wouldn’t immediately jump to him no longer finding you attractive! Do you look much different now to 3 years ago? I’d say it’s far more likely that he’s just feeling a decline in his libido.

Have you spoken to him about this at all?

Is it possible he feels the same way as you? Sitting there thinking "we haven't had sex for ages...what if she doesn't want to?"

Either surprise him when he comes home to sexy underwear and candles, or probably the better option is to speak to him! Ask him what's up, and tell him that you would like to have sex more! You never know.....he might feel the same way!

On the rare occasion we do have it. I say that was fab we should do more often and he will agree. But then nothing.

If I'm honest Im not sure how to bring it up. I know that sounds mad. We generally can talk about anything but sex seems to be an awkward subject. (Is it cod we are repressed Irish Catholic's?) but seriously, how do I bring it up?

I bought wine for tonight. I need to ditch courage! I'm going to try bringing it up. Or maybe stick it on him lol. Jesus I'm such a wuss.

Good luck OP!

I see someone not wanting to have sex with their partner as having a low sex drive, and nothing whatsoever to do with whether they fancy their partner or not.

Stockings work wonders. Been with my partner 19 years. Sometimes things get a little stale.... when I want it, and he’s not appearing interested, I stick on some lacy intimates, some stockings, give him a bit of oral, and then it’s all systems go. Have a glass of wine @ihateryansworld, and go for it!