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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I wrong for feeling hurt?

26 replies

RaidenGTO · 26/09/2019 11:11

I've been with my partner for over a year now. We have a fantastic relationship & have never had cause for concern in any aspect.
However, whilst doing something on her phone last night, with her permission I might add, I came across messages between her & her ex. Nothing really untoward, just general chat. When I confronted her on it, she apologised, said she didn't really think anything of it & removed him from her account. But the fact that she was still in contact with him & thought that it was ok to be, has left me feeling hurt, partially betrayed, & lost.
I would genuinely like to know if I'm wrong for feeling like that. Feedback would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
messolini9 · 26/09/2019 11:45

Nobody can help the feelings they have.
You can help what you do about them though.

When I confronted her on it, she apologised, said she didn't really think anything of it & removed him from her account.

Why did you feel the need to "confront", seeing as the messages were "nothing untoward"?
What do you feel she could be hiding, given she had handed you her phone without compunction & given you permission to use it?
Why do you feel it is acceptable to have caused your partner "apologise" for "nothing untoward"?
How on earth can you be feeling hurt, partially betrayed, & lost at the actions of someone who has 1) done nothing wrong 2) is a functional adult who does not need your permission on who she is allowed to communicate with 3) is not hiding anything from you 4) apologised, DESPITE DOING NOTHING WRONG 5) deleted the ex to make you feel better?

You are either being over-sensitive, & need to work on your own self-esteem & confidence, or you are being controlling, in which case get yourself into therapy & get it dealt with before you destroy your relationship.

Original poster
RaidenGTO · 26/09/2019 11:58

Firstly, thank you for your response & what you've said. I hadn't looked at it in that way. We have both had issues with previous partners being unfaithful.
I guess for me, the idea of being in contact with an ex who hurt you is just very alien.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 26/09/2019 11:59

How did you just come across these messages?

Stickybeaksid · 26/09/2019 12:01

I would dump you for snooping. Much bigger issue there

73Sunglasslover · 26/09/2019 12:06

My OH sees his ex (of 18 years) regularly. I'm fine with it. I trust him and she was a big part of his life. She has babysat for our kids and everything is above board. I think the issue is trust. You don't trust her. That bodes badly for your relationship. I can see why though if you have been betrayed in the past but I guess the issue is how she YOU move past that rather than how can she step on eggshells around you. Don't confront her and don't expect/ ask/ engineer it so that she feels the need to apologise when she has done nothing wrong. I think you need to talk more about what contact you're going to have with exes so there are no surprises in store. Just because she was hurt by him does not mean she needs to go NC.

Damntheman · 26/09/2019 12:06

Just because it's alien for you to be in contact with an ex, doesn't mean it is for anyone else.

If the messages were just normal chit chat between friends you've been unreasonable and owe your partner an apology. it's pretty healthy to manage to retain a friendship with exes, it shows an ability to move on emotionally. I'd treat it as a positive treat when it's just genuine mundane chat.

Windygate · 26/09/2019 12:11

Her allowing you to use her phone for a purpose wasn't permission to snoop and confront.

Doormat247 · 26/09/2019 12:15

I'd feel the same way as you do. In my opinion, there is absolutely no reason to still be in contact with an ex unless you have children with them and have to be in contact for that reason.
I have caught my previous 2 partners messaging their exes. It started out as 'hows things blah blah blah' and ended with them arranging to meet up. It became obvious that there were still feelings being harboured. They also lied about deleting the numbers/contacts.

If there was genuinely nothing but general chit chat between them and she really has deleted him then there may be little for her to answer to, but I do wonder why people stay in touch with someone who has no place or meaning in their lives anymore.

TidyDancer · 26/09/2019 12:17

You can't police who she is in touch with. She had nothing to apologise for, you should apologise for snooping though. That's the unacceptable part of this.

messolini9 · 26/09/2019 12:26

I'd feel the same way as you do. In my opinion, there is absolutely no reason to still be in contact with an ex

For the love of dog, why?!!
There are plenty of reasons. You are still good friends, you have interests in common, you share a wider friendship group ... there is simply no need to go into purdah just because you used to go out with someone.

@RaidenGTO - I understand about having been cheated on previously & the impact this would have on your reaction.
As this is an issue for BOTH of you, why not ask your partner to have a long frank discussion with you about these feelings, on both of your parts, & get mutual reassurance of intent, exclusivity, faithfulness etc?

You could start off by apologising for over-reacting.
As previously - you cannot be expected NOT to feel the gamut of emotions you experienced. However ... if you let them control you, you will end up hurting your partner & yourself. Keep communicating - it os OK to feel these things: it is NOT ok to berate or confront because of them. Keep an ongoing dialogue open about it, to help each of you recover trust following your previous partner issues.

Original poster
RaidenGTO · 26/09/2019 12:28

I know you may all find this hard to believe, especially as you don't know me, but I was genuinely not snooping. That's not who I am & I did apologise to her profusely for it too. I find the comment about it being controlling behaviour very interesting & unacceptable. I have let my insecurities & past interfer with my future. I have a lot to work on.
Thank you all for your feedback.

OP posts:
messolini9 · 26/09/2019 12:37

@RaidenGTO congratulations on having the wisdom & humility to look at the situation from another perspective. You are absolutely right in that it is the insecurity driving the "accusatory" behaviour.

You will be fine if you view this episode as a chance to nip the behaviour in the bud before it develops into something controlling or obsessive.
When you say "I have a lot to work on" - we ALL have something! - use this as an opportunity to work on it WITH your partner. It may even be worthwhile to look into couples therapy. That would also show her that you are serious about turning the insecurities you each have about being cheated on previously into a satisfying & trusting relationship.

You sound thoughtful - & misguided, rather than anything more sinister. Take this journey together, & lose the mistrust & suspicion that would otherwise foul your relationship. Good luck!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 26/09/2019 12:40

I'm not sure why you are upset tbh. As king as nothing is untoward there's not really an issue. People break up for all sorts of reasons. I'm friends with a few of my exs, I don't love, and no longer see them in 'that' light, but we are still friends.

Damntheman · 26/09/2019 12:43

Good for you Raiden to be open to viewing things from an outside perspective. Best of luck with your relationship!

Original poster
RaidenGTO · 26/09/2019 12:45

@messolini9 Thank you for your responses & advice. I am genuinely with someone who I love deeply. With her I feel like I have so much to lose if that makes sense & my fear overrode my sense. She has never once given me cause for concern & if anything has helped me rebuild my trust & confidence. I have let her down with how I behaved & reacted. Again, I think I just let my past interfer.
I am going to talk with her again tonight & apologise again & look at how better to handle my emotions/insecurities going forward.
Again, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
RaidenGTO · 26/09/2019 12:53

@Damntheman Thank you. I've tried asking friends/family relationship advice in the past but unfortunately they have a tendency to be one sided & can make things worse. Outsiders have no loyalty either way so can give honest, unbiased advice. For me, it's exactly what I needed & greatly appreciated

OP posts:
messolini9 · 26/09/2019 12:55

Aaaw, how lovely Raiden.
You can manage this, & you are on your way to a better & better relationship - for both of you!

Bluntness100 · 26/09/2019 12:55

I also find this quite controlling. And your words quite dramatic. You feel lost?

There was nothing untoward there. She can be friends with who she wishes. She doesn't need to tell you everything.

Either you trust her or you don't.

Original poster
RaidenGTO · 26/09/2019 13:08

@Bluntness100 You are right. I made a mountain out of a mole hill. I have issues that I need to work on.
That's the stupid part of it all, is that I do trust her & have no reason not too.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 26/09/2019 13:10

I know you may all find this hard to believe, especially as you don't know me, but I was genuinely not snooping.

I just don’t understand how you could have accidentally read these messages. I think you need to be really honest with yourself about whether you were abusing her trust when she gave you her phone.

Original poster
RaidenGTO · 26/09/2019 13:20

@PurpleDaisies I'll try to explain it. She has a iPhone & I use Samsung. The buttons all do different things & tbh I have no idea how to use an iPhone. I'm just getting into social media so I was adding my Instagram account to hers. I pressed something & went into something incorrect. I pressed the arrow button in the corner expecting it to take me back but it went into messages. I didn't actually read the messages by the way. I pressed the round button at the bottom of the phone but then unfortunately freaked out & acted irrationally.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 26/09/2019 13:23

I didn't actually read the messages by the way.

How did you know the content of the messages was nothing untoward then?

Original poster
RaidenGTO · 26/09/2019 13:24

She told me

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Original poster
RaidenGTO · 26/09/2019 13:25

She's never given me reason to not trust her & offered me the chance to read them but I felt that if I did, it'd show a mistrust which is not the case

OP posts:
Original poster
RaidenGTO · 26/09/2019 13:27

I over reacted to it in the heat of the moment. Talking it through on here has helped me see that & shown me that I have things to work on

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