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Original poster

To ask for a kick up the arse? Fertility struggles are affecting the way I see my step children.

24 replies

FuckYouInfertility · 26/09/2019 10:33

It's been a horrible few years for me (and DH), traumatic pregnancy loss, stays in hospital, points where I've wanted to die...

And I hate myself for it but it's really starting to affect the way I see my step children. I don't want it to and I'm trying hard to stop it but I think I need a MN kick! I'm going to try and be as honest as possible though I know there will likely be a lot of upset at what I say...

I don't like them staying anymore. I don't enjoy it when they are with us. I don't feel anger toward them at all, they are good, lovely kids. We get on really well but I feel resentful at my situation and I feel resentful of the constant reminder in my home of what's going on.

I feel angry at DH that he has the one thing I'm desperate for even though logically it's not his fault and I know this.

I feel like I can forget almost when they aren't here. I can pretend for just a moment that I'm okay and it's just me and DH.

Due to various work commitments for both DH and his ex, I end up doing quite a bit of childcare and I don't like doing so anymore. It's really painful.

It makes me feel sick when I see DH cuddling on the sofa with them or carrying them to bed. I feel so desperately grief stricken watching him be a loving parent that I sometimes have to remove myself from the room.

I think I do a good job if hiding this both from H and the children but I feel so guilty inside at these thoughts.

They are good, kind, lovely children and here's me wishing they didn't exist so that I could mourn my situation in peace.

I know they love me, and underneath all this hurt I love them too. I just don't know how to effectively deal with these feelings and it's suffocating me.

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckYouInfertility · 26/09/2019 12:02

Bump

OP posts:
ISmellBabies · 26/09/2019 12:05

Are you getting some therapy? This is a really horrible situation and I would think this needs to be sorted out as a priority before continuing to ttc. You're not a family anymore, it's now you and them. Bringing a baby into this mindset is a recipe for disaster. Please talk to someone and get right in your own headspace before getting pregnant op.

scittlescatter · 26/09/2019 12:06

What about some counselling for you? It sounds as if you are grieving for the children you would like to have. It is normal to find subfertility difficult.

As for you doing childcare, I think you need to be honest with your partner that it isn't working for you right now, so that him and the children's mother can find an alternative.

Whattodoabout · 26/09/2019 12:16

Sorry for your loss and struggles. Agreed re therapy if you aren’t already. I also think you should speak to your DH and explain exactly how it makes you feel. I don’t think you should be expected to offer childcare at this time, you need some space and time to heal.

Original poster
FuckYouInfertility · 26/09/2019 12:21

I did have some counselling a while ago which helped at the time but I haven't been back for a while which is my own fault and I agree I think I need to explore that again. I am on ADs.

I don't feel like I can talk to DH about it. My thoughts and feelings feel so poisonous sometimes and I really worry about making him feel guilty about a situation he can't change and wouldn't change obviously. I also don't want him to think I don't like the kids.

I just feel like I can't relax at all when they are here, I feel physically relieved when they leave and I don't look forward at all to the days they stay.

I shouted the other day at SS when he was being naughty and H was trying to deal with it. I never usually do that or get involved unless I'm on my own with them but I was just so irritated at him not doing what he was told so I shouted at him to do as he was told now. He cried and I felt bad but I just couldn't listen to the back and forth with him and H anymore.

OP posts:
MorganKitten · 26/09/2019 12:21

Therapy will help but you also need to look at the fact you’ve been gifted with step children, care for them.

Original poster
FuckYouInfertility · 26/09/2019 12:23

I can't see them as a gift as such right now unfortunately.

I actually think my situation right now would be far easier if they weren't around as harsh as that sounds. Though I appreciate I'll never know so I could be wrong!

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 26/09/2019 12:26

MorganKitten, she wasn't 'gifted' with stepchildren Hmm she had to have them in her life to be with her husband.

OP that sounds so hard, Flowers for you. Can you get away for a bit, go and stay with family for a week or so? Space from your everyday life might help.

PicaK · 26/09/2019 12:29

I think a lot of people in your position would experience the same thoughts. I switched off from friends' kids. You are not a monster. This is a grief process and counselling will help and it won't always feel this raw. Trust me.Flowers
Plus the step children are not a gift!!! They are people in their own right not a consolation prize.

Original poster
FuckYouInfertility · 26/09/2019 13:06

Yes I think I've switched off from my parent friends too to be honest. It's easy enough to do so but when the children are living in my house half of the week it's really difficult Sad

OP posts:
Snowfalling · 26/09/2019 13:39

Yanbu at all to want to scale back on how much childcare you do, I think this is something you need to speak to DH about. If it is distressing you to the point that you feel unable to relax when they are there, then that's not fair on you or them to do so much solo care. You will end up resenting the DSC. Your dh and his ex would have found a way to look after their dc between themselves if you weren't on the scene. This is time you could take to relax, or go to the gym, whatever.

Original poster
FuckYouInfertility · 26/09/2019 13:48

Snowfalling, I think you're right. I might have to take a break from that. It's just going to be hard because I know they need the help at the moment and I think ex may wonder what the problem is which I do not want to have to explain to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckYouInfertility · 26/09/2019 17:26

Well I've called my GP and made an appointment to discuss counselling. I was going privately before but to be honest, I didn't rate that counsellor very much at all so I think I'll try this route instead.

OP posts:
Kit19 · 26/09/2019 17:39

If you read any message boards or groups for infertile ppl this comes up a lot OP so you really shouldn’t punish yourself for feeling like this, it’s very normal x

If you’ve not already found them, the fertility network offer emotional support for people who are infertile fertilitynetworkuk.org/life-without-children/support/

On Facebook, the dovecote is a group for women who can’t have children

Good luck x

user87382294757 · 26/09/2019 17:54

You sometimes don't have to explain.

AnnaMariaDreams · 26/09/2019 18:01
Flowers This sounds so tough. Talk to your DH, tell him the truth, he loves you. He’ll get it. Dial back solo childcare- that’s a bit above and beyond IMO. Fair enough their Dad has them when he’s supposed to have them, but you don’t need to deal with them solo, that’s not fair. It’s actually not fair on them either.
KM99 · 26/09/2019 18:28

You don't a kick up the arse, OP. You need to be kind to yourself. I hope the counselling helps and you can open up to your DH.

BarbariansMum · 26/09/2019 18:39

The thing is, do you think you would feel differently about them if you do have your own child, or are they destined to be a thorn in your side forever? If so, maybe this relationship has run its course and you'd ultimately be happier out of it?

RedHelenB · 26/09/2019 19:16

I agree, there is the worry that you may still see them as not being your family if you do have your own baby.

I do understand how overwhelming the desire for your own child is . Do you know what the cause is?

jay55 · 26/09/2019 19:17

It seems very unfair that you are facilitating two other people's working lives at the expense of your own mental health.
You and yours partner need to discuss how to bring that to an end.

Good luck with the GP.

PicsInRed · 26/09/2019 19:56

Feeling grief around others' children and pregnancies is very normal, OP. Flowers

Original poster
FuckYouInfertility · 27/09/2019 16:38

Thank you all Flowers

I agree, there is the worry that you may still see them as not being your family if you do have your own baby

I truly don't believe this to be the case. Perhaps I am being naive, I don't know. But I really don't think I will feel this way. I really did (do) love them and feel very happy about them being in my life before all this took a downward turn.

I think it's the reminder that I find so painful. I feel quite lonely knowing that DH is not going through this the same as I am if you see what I mean. As much as it is painful for him too, no one is telling him he may never have a child because he already has. It just makes me feel quite alone.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 27/09/2019 19:42

@FuckYouInfertility, I really would try hard to get over this. I'm thinking of a situation God forbid where something awful happened to one of your sc. How would your DH view things then? How would you feel , knowing you resented them. I honestly think you need to fake it till you make it and I truly wish you well.in having your own biological child with your sh.

Original poster
FuckYouInfertility · 27/09/2019 20:00

knowing you resented them

I don't resent them at all. They are really really good, beautiful kids. As I've said about, I don't feel anger toward them as people at all, I feel resentful and angry that DH has something I so desperately want. As selfish as that sounds. I feel resentful that on my darkest, worst days, I've had to watch my husband be a parent.

It really isn't to do with the children as individuals. I'd be devastated if something happened to them. I know that I do love them underneath all this it's just so hard.

OP posts:
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