WWYD moving back?

[cochineal7]

We moved country this summer. Various reasons, parents are here and getting older, quality of life, great free education, etc. However, one school month in and we have very unhappy DC (primary school). Not actively being bullied, but just completely ignored. It is heartbreaking to see as they are trying so hard in a language they are not fluent in. Parents are telling us to sit it out, to give it time, but we truly don’t think it will get any better. Maybe they will learn to live with it, but back in the UK they were absolutely thriving. They are not here. WWYD? We are seriously thinking of calling it a day, a very expensive mistake, but to go back ‘home’ to the UK. Our jobs would allow us to, and financially we could possibly just about afford if we deplete our savings. But all of us would be so much happier. I have been crying for days now seeing how sad the kids are because of a choice we made.

It's quite soon to be thinking of returning, OP. Six months down the line things might be very different. Are you in an area with other expats? Might be good if you could talk to others about how they settled.

This is probably really obvious so if this is silly point but have you considered if international school is an option for the DC? Family members had a similar problem and it was resolved by moving the children to a British school. Otherwise I’d probably give it until Christmas and do additional language lessons outside of school but if things didn’t improve, and I couldn’t change their school, I personally would move back. It’s still early days for you though so I hope it gets better.

Is there an international school nearby with perhaps English speaking teachers / more of a mix culturally of students ? If so could your child go there ?
Once they have made friends and experienced new things they would probably be gutted having to return. Give it longer.

Either ride out 6 months minimum until they achieve greater fluency and make friends or look into bilingual/English speaking alternatives. Even in a move in uk would take time to settle. Way too soon to reverse and you may find dynamics and local support have already changed in your absence.

Thank you both. Yes, looking into British schools now. We think it will go some way, but we really cannot afford it long term (they are fee paying here while local schools are free). In the UK we were very happy in an outstanding state school where we lived. DD8 is a shadow of her former happy self, and DS5 is just sad. I feel like an idiot but would rather correct mistake early on than continue the misery. Perhaps we change schools for this year, use it for kids to learn language (outside school) and then return next summer.

It doesn’t help that school have put DD in a year higher than she would be in the UK so she is now the very youngest of a (very established) class. Who literally ignore her. I have seen it - they simply turn their faces when she tries to talk to them. She is the one child who has no partner when going on a trip. They all ignored her recent birthday (she cried about that). Which is why I don’t think it will get better. There is something inherently wrong in the group dynamic.

I think that you possibly naively thought this would be easy. It never is. It'll take a full year for the kids to get to grips properly with the language. I'm guessing it's Spain. Do you speak the language? Have you made an effort to mix with parents. Have you talked to the school? What steps have you taken to try and change things?

I think it will get better very quickly. I know a French family who moved to the U.K. last year. The dc didn’t speak a word of English and now sound like natives. Immersion is best. It will get better, I promise. You need to give it time. A month, in the grand scheme of things, is nothing.

Do you speak the language, OP?

I am fluent yes, it’s my country of origin. Western Europe. But am also British and lived there 20 odd years. DH doesn’t speak the language (non-EU country) and our home language is English. Kids have passive understanding of the language though, and DD is actually doing brilliantly language-wise. She is trying so incredibly hard. Unfortunately I don’t think it is a language issue. I misjudged the culture. People here are quite closed and keep to themselves and those they already know. I had not thought that also applied to the kids. And yes, I did and do try with the parents, but as it is not reception or nursery, most kids come to school by themselves and go to after school clubs. I spoke to the teacher too - which was also disappointing. School had promised extra language lessons which is why we chose it. Teacher wasn't aware. She also didn't know DD was the youngest. From speaking to her I found out she was placed in this higher year group because the group below was too full, not because it was better for her. Meaning she also struggles with math. It's just a mess. Will call British school tomorrow and pay for the coming year. Then we will see and probably come back home.

I also thought Spain, in which case I would have said stay as British children integrate well where there is an existing expat community for support while they find their feet in a new culture.

From your update it sounds like this is more about being near your parents who are in their home country and culture, but it doesn't seem like one which readily accepts foreigners.

I'd say come home.

Also I'm struggling to think of a non EU country in Western Europe!

Switzerland, Scandanavia? If so they can be quite insular but your dc would make friends in time. International/ British schools are £££ though. Do you automatically have residents/working permits?