To accept I'll have to give up work for a bit

[aloneinthenight]

DS (13) was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago.

His treatment plan is long and quite intense, certainly for the next few months.

I run my own business. It's not massive but I have a couple of freelancers working for me and I bring in the business and deliver some of the projects.

DS is missing large amounts of school and we have lots of Hospital appointments. DH is trying to work from home more to help out, so I can go into work.

I just don't have the energy. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. We didn't have a holiday this year and the summer was incredibly stressful. I feel like I have nothing left.

But at the same time I don't want to give up on my business and need something to return to when DS recovers. And we need the money.

I can't think straight and don't know what to do. Half of me thinks that I should be kind to myself and focus on DS.

The other half of me thinks I would be letting everyone, and myself, down if I threw it all in, and should force myself to drag on.

Tell me what to do.

I am so sorry, I don't know what to advise but i wanted to give you these Just do whatever makes your life easiest at the moment.

Gosh, what a difficult place to be in.

Could you just keep your business ticking over with the absolute minimum effort? Could dh take a sabbatical so he can take on more of the responsibility for getting your son to hospital? Is there anyone else who could step up at your business?

Whatever you end up doing, you absolutely aren’t letting anyone down. You’re doing what’s best for your family and nobody will judge you for that.

Wishing your son as easy a course of treatment as possible.

Nobody can tell you what to do. I was diagnosed at 21 and my mum gave up work. It meant money was tight as a family, but there was no worrying about who would take me to appointments or anything. My mum was with me for everything and neither of us have any regrets.
If you choose to give up work you're not letting anyone down. Your son is your priority. If you dont have the luxury of being able to afford to give up work though, you'll find a way to make it work.
it's going to be hard, but take all the help you're offered.

If it were me... I’d get someone into the business to take over the reins a bit but still be the ‘face’ so write blogs, do correspondence, set up new client meetings and do the occasional meeting/review (but I don’t know what the business is!) and concentrate on your boy, who must be feeling scared and sick right now and needs mum or dad more than usual.

But - it’s all to do with swings and roundabouts - if you give it up and are skint, worried about paying the rent and depressed then what is the sense of giving it all up?

Can you cut back, freelance out a bit more or drop a few clients?

You need to have your own health right now - as my sister always says ‘they tell you to fix your own oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else’.

My heart goes out to you - what a stressful time.

Thank you, that makes me feel much better.

DH could be around more but I don't feel emotionally like I can work at the moment. My head is full of DS and his medicines and blood counts.

I don't think that would reduce even if DH was here. I'm mentally exhausted and can't bring myself to think about my client's problems!

I could just keep it ticking over and looking like a business, I suppose, and see what it feels like in a few months.

I just seem to have so many plates to spin.

Get someone in to run the business for you and concentrate on your son. I nursed my husband before he passed- I literally went work one day and everything was normal then didn’t return until 6 months later. It was the right thing to do.

I'm so sorry widowodiw

Of cherrypick the clients you like working with or are less hassle and palm the rest off. Do you know another business who would take these off your hands?

Of course you are likely to be waving them goodbye but there will always be the goodwill there from you handing them over (to a trusted supplier) because you can’t manage their commitments. So they may put in a good word for you later when you are in a position to get going again. Does that make sense?

My heart goes out to you.
Have you applied for DLA and carers allowance - this may take the financial pressue out of the equation and help you think more clearly about a break from the business and how that could be structured.
You arent letting anyone down by caring for your child.

I'm so sorry for your troubles OP.

Do you have anyone, friends or family, who can support you at all? Doing some washing, cooking some meals etc? Don't be afraid of asking for help, most people would love to help but won't know what would useful if you don't tell them. Can you set up a weekly online shop order? Anything at all to help keep the necessary practical things ticking over and lighten the load. If you are near me in Yorkshire I would come and fill your freezer.

If your business earns you good money it might be worth taking on a bit of domestic help to allow you to devote what spare time you have to it. Carve out a bit of time for you, have a good soak in the bath with a book and a glass or wine or whatever. Another poster is right, you need to take care of yourself as well.

These are tough times, but how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Take things one day at a time, and I wish you and your son all the very best. x

I do have friends who have been really supportive. And we've got a cleaner, which we can't really afford and makes the whole work thing slightly more important.

I think maybe I need to carve out some time to just stare at a blank wall, and then I'll be able to focus on some other things too.

Do you think your husband would cope being the sole wage earner? That's a big stressor on top of everything else the family is going through.

No he wouldn't, and it doesn't seem fair on him to make him. He has been working pretty much full time and commutes a lot.

But it feels too much for me to handle everything else plus run a business.

Maybe I need to rely on him more to give me the headspace. In the past I've always handled everything, kids, house, admin etc.

I am self employed and the main breadwinner. When my beloved daughter was life threateningly ill I stopped work entirely for several weeks and worked part time for many months. We used up our savings, put some expenses on credit cards and really cut back. I just did not have the mental or emotional or physical reserves to work as well as care for her. Your personal circumstances will determine what you do. It is hugely difficult and immensely stressful. Now my daughter is recovering I have gone back to work quite ‘full on’ in an effort to repair our finances. There are no easy answers. I really wish you well.

The mental load must be massive right now. If he doesn't have any of that, let him take over the house and the admin. Then you can concentrate on the kids.

I guess you may not want to be outing - but what type of business @aloneinthenight?

I run my own business in a similar way to you, but have taken over someone else’s jobs in a similar circumstance (not able to work properly for a while due to illness). We worked it out on a basis where I set up as a “new director” - not in reality but for clients, and I kept it ticking over. Could you do something similar?

If your DH works for a business he could take annual leave while you run the business. You need to be careful about this. Yes it’s a lot of mental load but at the same time you are the main breadwinner and if the treatments don’t work you may need to be prepared financially to fund visits abroad or pioneering treatment.

If your dh is an employee he can take unpaid parental leave too. Again not ideal but as an employee he has more protectionns i suppose.

DH's employee have given him an extra week's leave too.

I will talk to him about taking over at home for a bit. Even if it's just so I have some headspace to work out what I can do.

Hello
My daughter was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago too - to you. It’s the hardest time I’ve ever experienced. I won’t pretend to know the right answer for you - and I’m not sure there is a good answer in such a shitty situation - but here’s some thoughts in no particular order.
I have been off work since we started the diagnostic process and cancer seemed a likely diagnosis. I’m lucky in that I can be signed off sick and get full pay for 6 months and half for another 6 months which should see us through her treatment (we are “lucky” to have a relatively short treatment plan). So we will take a financial hit but not a catastrophic one and my job will be there for me to go back to - it sounds like this may be complicated for you. BUT I also don’t think I could work now. The physical commitments of caring for my daughter are immense - not just appointments and admissions but now managing tube feeding, she can’t be at school for more than an hour on a great day, she’s scared of being in a room alone etc etc. Also I’m so very tired. And my concentration is screwed. I think if I were at work I’d be making some serious mistakes which would be damaging. This may or may not be the same for you - but it’s worth thinking about.
Don’t feel guilty if you can’t work. Initially I was full of plans about flexible working - but I just can’t do it. It’s too hard. Our daughter’s Macmillan nurse told us at the start it’s rare for a family to manage without at least one parent taking time completely away from work.
It’s ok to do what’s right for you and to be a bit selfish. For you that might be doing a bit of work, it might be doing none. But you need to think of your own needs as well as everyone else’s.
Do you have a Clic Sargent social worker who can help you look at benefits entitlements and grants?
Is there someone who can keep things ticking over for you? (Maybe one of the freelancers)
Good luck making a decision, it’s an awful place to be. And many many best wishes to your son and to all of you x

Thanks chinateapot that has pretty much summed up how I feel.

We're waiting to hear about DLA but it's really not enough to make much difference - although will help a little.

I had lots of flexible ideas initially but you're right, I can't concentrate.

We have some savings we can dip into.

Maybe I have to allow myself a day a week or something to keep things ticking along and see how it goes.

I hope it all goes well for you too.

A day a week sounds a great idea if you can manage that - but don’t even aim for anything more than keeping things going.

One thing that has helped me conceptualise the financial hit is thinking about this a bit like another maternity leave - we accepted the financial hit then because it was important to have the time off to parent our child as best we could and also to look after my own health, mental and physical. My daughter needs more parenting now than ever - so it kind of feels a bit like that.
I don’t know if you have a mortgage but we are also planning to ask the mortgage company about a mortgage holiday to help us with reduced income.

How is your son doing?

Also - I hear you about the shitty awful summer with no holiday of any sort that’s left me completely out of energy. It sucks. Our daughter got her diagnosis (after a prolonged process over the previous 6 weeks) on the first Monday of the school holidays.
I have decided that just keeping going is good enough. And wobbling is ok.
Xx

I'm sorry you're going through this. My mum's going through cancer treatment at the minute and it's taking it's toll work wise, so I can only begin to imagine how hard it would be with one of my DDs.

On a practical note though - do you have any critical illness cover? You may find it covers you for financial support under these circumstances. DH works in mortgages and has sadly dealt with this for clients a couple of times recently.

I've been into the office today and feel a little bit better.

I think I can keep things ticking over for the next few months and will keep business development to a minimum. Then think again in the New Year.