STBXH thinks he shouldn't have to pay divorce costs for a divorce he didn't want

[baffledbystbxh]

I would be really grateful if people could give me their views on this.

STBXH was very difficult to live with - very moody, sulky, treated me with contempt and had poor hygiene. Things went downhill very quickly after we got married. I kept trying to talk to him about his behaviour but he would always shut me down and refuse to discuss anything. I kept trying until I had a nervous breakdown and then I filed for divorce (married less than 2 years, no DC no shared finances at all). We lived in a home which had been provided by me, rather than him or us jointly and he paid what was supposed to be half the bills.

He has kept asking for money from me in the divorce. He works, earns a good wage and has bought his own home. I don't work for health reasons and get by ok, but don't have any spare money. I didn't ask for anything in the divorce because I don't think it's appropriate in this case.

He says that he wants me to pay to reimburse him for what he has spent on lawyers bills because it was me who wanted the divorce and he didn't apparently. He says he shouldn't have had to pay for a divorce he didn't want. I'm floored by this - he claims it was all a massive shock to him, I really don't know how it can have been.

Can anyone get their head around this? I just can't fathom how someone could hire a lawyer (which isn't compulsory) and then say that the person who couldn't cope with their behaviour should have to cover their legal expenses, in addition to their own, because they didn't want to get divorced. Am I missing something? This is utterly lost on me!

Tell him to fuck off and block him. There is no reason whatsoever that you ever need to speak to him again.

Yep, tell him to do one

Ha ha. What a twat! He can thin whatever he wants, that doesn't make it reality!

He employed a lawyer, he pays!

He can want , not thin

He is a tool - amazed he has a job at all with an attitude like that - is he a politician?

When my ex wanted a divorce, I told him that if he paid for it all then he could have one.
He paid.

I paid for my divorce as my ex didn’t want it. No lawyers either side so wasn’t loads but while I left him due to his abusive behaviour I wanted it done and it was the best money I ever spent.

Block and ignore
He can’t insist you pay anything
What does your solicitor say?

When my ex left for ow and wanted a divorce (I didn't) I asked him to pay my costs. He did pay some but then when he realised it wasnt all going to be straightforward and there'd be some negotiating he went back on it. I do get where you are coming from op but if he really didn't see it coming or appreciate that things were bad he may genuinely not see it as his fault.

Ignore - if it doesn’t come from a lawyer it’s not a thing. Just mind games.

Did you not get an order as to costs as part of the decree nisi? I'm part way through the process on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and I'm fairly sure as petitioner (which it sounds like you were) you can ask for the respondent (sounds like he was) to pay the costs of the divorce. If that's been laid out as part of the divorce and he's agreed to pay its largely irrelevant what he thinks.

Have you name changed?

Please excuse the Nc'd mess up! Regular MNetter

Have this moved to Legal OP. There are people there who know their stuff.

Just to be a bit clearer - the divorce hasn't been finalised yet, the finances are still outstanding. He was asking for large amounts of money from me (which he knows perfectly well I don't have) for him to go away and when I tried to talk to him about it, he backed down a bit as I think he was embarrassed to ask for so much to my face and is now saying that it was me who wanted the divorce, so I should have to give him what he has spent on his lawyers bills (which again he knows I can't afford to)

My lawyers just couldn't understand what was the matter with him, but he's basically holding me to ransom over finalising the divorce by asking me for money which I can't afford to give him (and shouldn't have to), otherwise the whole thing will end up going to court.

I'm just trying to understand where he is coming from and what the matter with him is, or if he has a point that I've missed!

I have no idea on the legality of the situation, but many will.

I just wanted to say sorry you're in this situation and hope you get some great advice.

When I divorced XH (no dc, no entwined finances), I did it myself (no solicitor) and asked for costs to cover the court fees. XH had forgotten to ask how much his solicitor would cost and wanted me to pay half his legal fees. That didn't happen.

I'd tell him he must be thick if it was a surprise. He hired the lawyer and it isn't compulsory or necessary, so he pays for the services he received.
Then block him.

He chose to employ the lawyer. He didn’t ask first. I think you should stand your ground. He was horrible to you in your marriage. The money thing is all about control.

Block and ignore. You couldn't get through to him when you were married to him, why expect to now.
💐

He can want you to pay as much as he likes, it clearly doesn't mean you have to pay. If he thinks the person at fault should pay, that would seem to put him firmly in the frame.

Are you desperate for the divorce to go through? Because if not, I would have thought the best tactic would be for your lawyers to respond to demands from his with something to the effect of "As you are no doubt well aware, there is no possibility of Mr Baffled receiving any financial contribution from Mrs Baffled and we will not therefore be forwarding any offers." Then just leave it on ice. Sooner or later you will be able to finalise the divorce and, if you make it plain that delaying it isn't going to work, he'll eventually give up.

What I'm trying to figure out is whether this is really about him wanting the money for what he's spent on lawyers and he really thinks that's fair, or whether he's just playing mind/control games/trying to get one over on me and I'm wasting my time trying to discuss it sensibly with him.

This should have been a very simple divorce being less than 2yrs married, no DC, no shared finances and living in your house. I can't understand why either of you felt the need to involve lawyers.

Divorce lawyer here.
Finances - short marriage, you kept your finances separate, he is working. He has no claim if he can return to the position he was pre-marriage without hardship. There is no need whatsoever to hold up the divorce because there isn't a financial agreement (the only reason to delay normally is pensions, in case one of you dies, but pensions are irrelevant in your scenario). If he doesn't agree, I'd issue an application and let the court tell him. You don't need a lawyer, your case is simple. The court fee is £255 though. the form you need to issue is a Form A. You HAVE to have gone to mediation beforehand though - either on your own to a MIAM (mediation information and assessment meeting) or to a proper joint session. So just book a MIAM. The mediator has to sign the Form A to say you've been. You can google local family law mediators.

Divorce costs: the bulk of the divorce costs are on the Petitioner's side (ie yours) because the P has to pay the court fee (£550) and has to complete and file all of the paperwork. The Respondent only has to return one, one-page form to say they are not defending.

So his divorce costs are really minimal and you don't have to pay them. It's not enough to say that he didn't want the divorce. I believe you are saying he wants you to pay HIS costs, not that there is an argument about your costs. But what about your own costs - did you seek an order that he pay your costs, or some of them (there is a box to tick in the Petition to say that you want a costs order)? What stage has it reached (costs order will be made at Decree Nisi stage)?