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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder if he is going to propose?

51 replies

acrylicaddict · 25/09/2019 15:44

Been with my DP for 3 years in a very happy relationship, both early twenties. We are both settled in full time careers, saving for a deposit on a house, I am very much "in it for the long run" and he regularly tells me the same.

Today he surprised me on my lunch break at work and took me to a Cafe - he does this a few times a month so nothing unusual. But what was unusual was that after we finished our lunch, he asked if we could go to the antiques shop (not his cuppa tea, totally my cuppa tea).

While walking up the road, I asked if I could pop into the Post Office first but he was insistent on going into the antiques shop first, and when we were in there looking at the jewellery cabinets (the part I always head to first), he kept slipping in questions about what stones I like in rings, what colour bands I preferred, did I like the ones with diamonds, did I prefer the small stones.

After I had finished looking at the jewellery he didn't bother browsing the rest of the shop, didn't buy anything and was happy to leave.

AND NOW THIS HAS GOT ME THINKING

Is it coming? Or has he just taken an interest in my ring choices suddenly? Am I thinking too much into this? Have I got my hopes up?

OP posts:

AllStarBySmashMouth · 25/09/2019 17:09

No wonder people think romance is dead! Let the poor guy do his proposal. If it turns out he's not proposing after all, then OP can start being a bit more forward with him.

Samsamsuperman · 25/09/2019 17:10

I really don't get the negativity on this thread. This isn't what feminism is about. Of course women can and do propose to men, why can't it still happen the other around too? And why can't it be a surprise? And why does OP have to "take some agency" over the situation? Chill out!!

OP - I totally think he's going to propose and it's very exciting! Agree with PP to try not to think about it too much, (although I absolutely would) just enioy the surprise xx

thepeopleversuswork · 25/09/2019 17:21

Samsamsuperman I didn't mean to be negative. OP and her other half sound very happy.

I just find the trappings of engagement and proposal and all the "will he/won't he" stuff nauseating.

It is a feminist issue because so many women get so wrapped up in the window dressing attached to marriage that they can't see what's important about it.

Not saying OP is like this but for huge numbers of women the paraphernalia about the engagement and the wedding and all the rest of it obscures the real decision about whether to get married or not, which basically comes down to decisions about commitment, child-rearing and financial alignment.

OP sounds bright and sensible and is doing well in her career and saving for a deposit. Good for her. And the OH sounds nice and kind. But here we are in 2019 going gaga about whether he's chosen a ring.

I don't want to spoil anyone's party but I yearn for when we don't have this miasma of nonsense around marriage and can talk honestly about whether it actually benefits us and how to make it work for us.

But I'm a hoary old feminist so will bow out gracefully and knit my leg hair. :)

Original poster

acrylicaddict · 25/09/2019 17:29

@thepeopleversuswork

Thank you for the kind comments about myself and my DP.

And I do understand the points you're making, they're incredibly valid, and I do agree that too many people rush into marriage with visions of a gorgeous ring, sparkly dress, pretty bridesmaids and then are left with a marriage with little foundation holding it together.

I should have added more detail, especially to avoid the unusually harsh and sarcastic comments from other posters.

We both know what we want, we know we both want a family, we have had so many in depth conversations about our future, our expectations, our hopes, our dreams, the realities, our career paths, the "what ifs", even talking about retirement We are on the same page about everything, and we have spoken about marriage. I know he wants to be the one to propose and I am fine with this. I have made it clear that I want to get married and don't want to be strung out for years with promises of engagements and this is also something we have spoken about in depth.

I am just excited as I love surprises, call me childish but it is exciting for me. I understand it isn't for everyone.

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 25/09/2019 17:39

acrylic

Fair enough!

Hope you get what you want :)

SuzieBishop · 25/09/2019 17:46

Euch ignore the weirdos OP - they’ve obviously had a bad day and want to bring someone down! Definitely sounds like a proposal is on the way! Remember and come back and tell us when it happens!!!

AllStarBySmashMouth · 25/09/2019 17:47

I do agree with you @thepeopleversuswork and you are not wrong - but I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with still enjoying the romance of a proposal and a wedding. Maybe it is all a bit outdated, but mostly it's just a bit of fun

AllStarBySmashMouth · 25/09/2019 17:50

The world is horribly depressing these days and if things like proposals, weddings, even birthdays and Christmas which (when you really think about it) are kind of silly in themselves. But they give people joy in a world of misery and that's what's important, I think 😊

WellButterMyArse · 25/09/2019 17:53

Hopefully he does propose while you're away if that's what you think both of you would like. If he doesn't, have a chat with him about future plans, as you've discussed marriage already.

Original poster

acrylicaddict · 25/09/2019 17:55

@AllStarBySmashMouth I agree! While I have a very sensible head at work and in life generally, surprises are things I just love! They are silly and it is that which I enjoy about them.

OP posts:

Whitewhitewinee · 25/09/2019 17:57

@timshelthechoice you’re an absolute delight. God forbid anyone propose to you, you’d probably kick off.

OP this sounds sooo exciting!! Deffo sounds like he’s up to something. I would try and not think about it because you’ll work yourself up if it doesn’t happen.

P.s just make sure you have your nails done for the holiday

Limensoda · 25/09/2019 17:58

I am just excited as I love surprises, call me childish but it is exciting for me. I understand it isn't for everyone

Despite what I said previously,....I don't think there's anything wrong with being 'childish'..... but call it childlike....because childish sounds negative!

DeadDoorpost · 25/09/2019 18:02

It sounds like he's going to! My DSis partner messaged me the other day asking me what sort of ring she likes. So no surprise for me, and I'm sure she's expecting it as they've talked about marriage a lot. But still.. the excitement of not knowing when or what the ring will look like is intense. When DH proposed to me I woke up that day just knowing he was going to propose. I hate surprises. The whole day was agonising waiting for him to ask.

Turningtides · 25/09/2019 18:12

Fgs, some people on MN are so dour.

Good for you OP. Yes, It sounds as if he will certainly propose and why wouldn’t he? Don’t listen to this predictable nonsense waffle about having a “serious talk”. It’s not a bloody board meeting fgs! And nor is it the 1950s - (god could people be a bit less predictable - maybe change it up to the 1940s next time? Or the 60s?) Just because some people are joyless and pedantic, so what? All the more reason for some of us not to be. FWIW, DH proposed to me many moons ago, on one knee on some cliffs with the most beautiful diamond which I stlll wear 17 years on and it was one of the most special moments of my life. Life is so full of crap - we need to celebrate the best bits and make these memorable imo. Good for you and start as you mean to go on!

katalavenete · 25/09/2019 18:20

Traditional couple. So you're going to give up your job as soon as you're married? Because that's from the same era as men walking on the outside of the pavement.

Have your discussions covered whether your career continues after children? What kind of childcare you want to use? whether you'll both go part time to deal with pick ups etc? how you will split responsibilities if a child is too ill for school/nursery? Or is he assuming tradition will win out and you'll do every last bit of it and he'll just arrive home to be presented with his dinner and adoring children?

Liking traditions that mean you get treated as if you're on a pedestal is all well and good, but be clear whether the traditions also mean your career gets binned whether you like it or not. Because I doubt that would make you feel as special as having doors held open for you. The chivalry of no career and no pension isn't quite as romantic.

Also, nobody suggested you "hound" him. Quite the misrepresentation of what was actually said to you.

sparklefarts · 25/09/2019 18:28

Totally missing the point, but...he holds your umbrella for you? That would fuck me right off. Bet is never held in the right place and is right awkward to walk down the road

Funghi · 25/09/2019 18:30

OP why are you justifying yourself to strangers on the internet?

I’d try not to get your hopes up because it is so close to Christmas. Either way you’ll probably end up with a lovely antique ring though so win-win

Original poster

acrylicaddict · 25/09/2019 18:36

@katalavenete obviously we have discussed all of that? Why wouldn't we have done? What did you believe "in detail" meant? Did you fail to read my previous responses where I have clearly stated that my DP and I have discussed our future in detail. How presumptuous of you to assume that as I have not spelled out every small detail of our conversation for you, it must have been brief and inadequate. Please stop attempting to question the validity of my relationship, what works for us may not work for others but unless you misunderstood my OP, whether or not my DP and I are ready for marriage was NOT what I was asking, nor would it be something that I would ask advice from strangers on the internet.

My post, since you didn't understand, was asking "are these signs that he may be looking to propose, or am I thinking too much into this". The details you're getting into are weirdly unnecessary, because of course we have discussed it all at length for a long time.

And enjoying chivalrous traditions is something that he liked before we got together (if you had read my posts you would have been aware of this), and no, I will not drop my job. I earn more than my DP, own a small business which I am proud of, mentioning his chivalrous tastes was more to express the point that he is the one who wants to propose, as people were asking me why I didn't just propose. I'm not planning to be a 1950s housewife, but even if it was, it shouldn't matter to you.

That whole critical post of my DP and I, and yet you didn't even manage to respond to the original point.

OP posts:

Original poster

acrylicaddict · 25/09/2019 18:37

@sparklefarts he is much taller than me and it is a large umbrella, it works fine, thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

acrylicaddict · 25/09/2019 18:40

@Funghi I don't know to be honest, I'm wasting too much time on them! It is just because they're ignoring my OP and questioning every small detail of the pre-marriage discussions my partner and I have had, it is just so weird. I don't need relationship "advice" from strangers, and yet they feel the need to offer it.

Thank you so much! :)

OP posts:

Chilledout11 · 25/09/2019 18:48

I don't why this thread is so negative. Nothing wrong with a bit of romance. I totally think he will propose but try to let him surprise you. Also might be a while yet (but get your nails done just incase)

Original poster

acrylicaddict · 25/09/2019 18:51

@chilledout11 I know!! That will teach me to post something on a public forum in future, this will be my first and last post, I had no idea people could turn something so lighthearted into something so serious and negative

And thank you! I will update if anything happens, I love surprises

OP posts:

MrsMozartMkII · 25/09/2019 19:00

Ditto AllStarBySmashMouth.

I hope you get the lovely surprise lass.

Original poster

acrylicaddict · 25/09/2019 20:19

Thank you @MrsMozartMkII :)

OP posts:

Chilledout11 · 25/09/2019 21:05

No don't let it be your last post. I am here seven years and find it very supportive (few responses not nice but mostly kind).

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