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Original poster

Expectations after 16 months together ?

26 replies

Hmrevenue · 25/09/2019 14:01

Late twenties , partner early thirties . Together 16 months. Don’t live together but nearby. See one another a couple of times per week overnight ( we both work) and a day and night over the weekend. Discussed moving in. He’s not ready and I’m
Strapped for money . Am I a fool
To wait another year or two? Cheers folks

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 25/09/2019 14:04

I don't think its about whether you're a fool or not. Personally I would take moving in very slowly. Its about what you want. If you're not comfortable with the pace its going, communicate this to him and if you can't agree then you're in different places and its time to move on.

Incidentally, I think being strapped for money is a very bad reason to want to move in. It immediately puts you in a weaker position if you do end up moving in. Fix that first before you start depending on someone else.

Basketofkittens · 25/09/2019 14:07

We were living together by then with a joint mortgage. At my age (early 30s) I didn’t want to leave too long or take it slowly.

Original poster
Hmrevenue · 25/09/2019 14:07

I’m trying to upskill and do a few more hours but I won’t ever be on the same wage as him and I know it worries him as I can’t do activities/ adventures that he does so he has to do them with friends instead

OP posts:
SistersOfMerci · 25/09/2019 14:12

I'm trying to upskill and do a few more hours but I won’t ever be on the same wage as him and I know it worries him as I can’t do activities/ adventures that he does so he has to do them with friends instead

For that reason alone I'd be ending it.

Bodicea · 25/09/2019 14:14

I wouldn’t wait. When you know you are with the one, you know pretty soon. Especially at that age. What is he waiting for? When will he be ready?

I would think if he has never settled before in a long term relationship he is a Peter Pan type who will string you along for a few years before dropping you and you will be at the back end of your fertile years.

The money thing makes me think you doesn’t see you as a partnership.

thepeopleversuswork · 25/09/2019 14:14

OP to be honest it doesn't sound like you're compatible for now and moving in would just increase your financial dependence on him which is to be avoided at all costs. You've made it clear that your inability to keep pace with him financially is a problem for him. If he really wanted it to work he would take this into account and would be happy to pay for you to do these things, or scale them back in order to be more in line with you.

He's done neither of these things and this suggests that he would feel resentful if you were living together.

Find someone with whom you are more evenly matched financially, or who cares less about this.

Bibidy · 25/09/2019 14:15

I think it completely depends what's right for you.

If you would like to move in together and you're expecting to pay 50/50 then I don't think he needs to have such concerns on the financial front. After all, you're still his girlfriend whether you're living with him or not, so he will be doing activities you can't afford with his friends rather than you regardless. That won't change. If you think you would want/need him to pay more than you to live together then I can see his reservations.

Everyone moves at a different pace. I have only just moved in with my OH this year after 3+ years together due to our respective situations, and that worked for us. However I know that's quite a long time to wait. If I were in a less complicated situation, I probably would be looking to take the next step and move in together around the point you are now.

Has he given reasons as to why he doesn't want to move in yet?

ThinkerThunkk · 25/09/2019 14:15

I dont understand the conversation He’s not ready and I’m
Strapped for money If he isnt ready and you have no money, where did 'shall we move in together' come from?

I wouldnt be with someone who didnt treat me as financially equal, money should IMHO be pooled. None of this one cant afford it business.

Original poster
Hmrevenue · 25/09/2019 14:24

I want us to move in together . He said he’s not ready for at least another year or so . We will never have the same incomings . I won’t be able to pay half his mortgage. I think this is an issue for him

OP posts:
SistersOfMerci · 25/09/2019 14:28

My dh earns 5 times what I earn and he was happy to cover the full cost of everything when I wasn't working for a few years due to ill health.

He never once made me feel like it was an issue.

That's called an equal relationship.

YouJustDoYou · 25/09/2019 14:28

You will end up wasting years waiting for a man who just isn't that into you. Which sounds harsh, but it's true. They end up telling their girlfriends "in a few years I'll be ready for xyz", and then the goal posts get moved again and again and again but by that point the woman has invested years in something that just isn't going anywhere. He doesn't want you living with him. I'd cut my losses and move on to be honest, and find someone who DOES want you.

YouJustDoYou · 25/09/2019 14:30

ALso, you do NOT want to be with someone to whom money will always be an issue. WHat if you have kids togther and you go on maternity leave? His type stats to bitch and moan about what you;re "costing him". What about if you get ill one day and can't work and end up losing money? You think he'll be there for you? He won't. All he'll see is his precious money going towards someone who isn't "pulling their weight". Get out now whilst you still can.

Zebraaa · 25/09/2019 14:30

Have you posted before about him having to do activities with his friends and you not being able to afford anything?

Zebraaa · 25/09/2019 14:31

Wow they’ve only been together 16 months. They aren’t married, she doesn’t live with him, no children... why should he be financially supporting her and “pooling” his money?!

EileenAlanna · 25/09/2019 14:32

With such a large difference in income that won't even out in the years ahead , if he isn't paying for you for holidays/activities etc then you're more like rich relative/friend poor relative/friend who basically inhabit different worlds with an occasional get together at your financial level to keep the relationship alive.
16 months together isn't really long enough to make a commitment to pool all money. Maybe give it a bit longer then reassess how you both feel about it & how you see these money matters working out.

sausages75 · 25/09/2019 14:34

Agree with Sistersofmercy, if he is choosing to do stuff with his friends instead of you, based purely on money then he isn't that committed. I would pay for my other half as I would want them there & to share the experience etc

Bibidy · 25/09/2019 14:37

I want us to move in together . He said he’s not ready for at least another year or so . We will never have the same incomings . I won’t be able to pay half his mortgage. I think this is an issue for him

Ok in that case I can see a bit more where he's coming from if he owns his place as it's not an even playing field.

I notice you said you're in your late 20s but trying to increase hours/upskill....are you working full-time? Are you in training for something? I know you said you'll never earn as much as him, which is fine, but are you on some kind of path to earning more or are you in a full-time job which just doesn't pay as much as his?

PooWillyBumBum · 25/09/2019 14:37

Same gaps before full stops. I suspect you are.

I think you were given good perspective on the last thread. 16 months isn’t a horrendous amount of time to live apart.

Expectations after 16 months together ?
Cheeseandwin5 · 25/09/2019 14:42

it sounds to me that you only want to move in to save yourself some cash. I am not surprised his cautious.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 25/09/2019 14:43

I would think in a 2 year relationship with a man in his early 30s, that would be enough time for him to decide if he is committed to you or not. A lot of people get engaged after a couple of years. I'd set a date e.g. middle of next year and if he cant commit by then, hes likely not going to

Walnutwhipster · 25/09/2019 14:44

Have you posted about him before?

Bibidy · 25/09/2019 14:44

I'm sure it hurts that you want to live with him and he's not up for it at the moment, but it sounds like you might have to be a bit more realistic about your finances.

It sounds like if you moved in together you wouldn't really be able to contribute a fair amount at the moment, so I can see why your bf wouldn't be keen. You would be better off focusing on your training and getting a reasonable income before worrying about moving in with him, although I get that it would make things so much easier for you.

thepeopleversuswork · 25/09/2019 15:06

Zebraa its not that he should be supporting her or that they should be pooling money... its that its obviously an issue for him now that she basically can't "keep up" with him lifestyle wise.

If its such an issue this early on it clearly indicates that a) he's not sufficiently into her either to scale back his social life to accommodate her or help her when she can't afford things and b) that he is likely to become resentful of her if and when they ever do move in and she can't meet him half way. Such as, for example, on maternity leave.

I'd quit while you're ahead OP.

dollydaydream114 · 25/09/2019 15:13

If the previous post linked to is also you, which I'm pretty sure it is, you give the strong impression that you are pinning all your hopes for a home, a social life and exciting activities on your boyfriend and hoping that he will one day provide them for you.

He is not responsible for your lack of funds or your lack of social life. Everything in your posts is so passive and downbeat and a bit whiny. Please just try to take some control of your life instead of pinning everything on your boyfriend, who frankly doesn't sound that bothered about you.

If you aren't happy with things, tell him, instead of dithering around waiting for him to commit to moving in.

If you don't have much of a social life without him, get out and meet some other people or find things to do with friends that don't cost the earth.

If you aren't happy with your job, have a serious think about career progression or retraining rather than just doing a few more hours.